Wivey 3rd Team

Do you want some snow cleared

2010-01-09T12:16:00.000Z

Martin Broome is offering his services to clear snow form paths with his special snow clearing service.

Fee payable:- 3 pints = 1 hours snow clearing

Top Ten Things You Do Not Want To Hear Mike Phillips Say In A Hospital

2010-01-09T11:34:00.003Z

Top Ten Things You Do Not Want To Hear Mike Phillips Say In A Hospital .....................

1. Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.

2. Nurse, did this patient sign the organs donation card?

3. Darn! Page 84 of the manual is missing!

4. Everybody stand back! Charlotte's Driving the Ambulance!

5. Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie

6. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

7. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"

8. Whoa, Stop wait a minute, I've only had five tea breaks this morning?

9. "Good Morning Mr Ware"

10. What do you mean "You had two legs when you came in earlier"

Musgrove Redeployment

2010-01-07T15:45:00.000Z

During the recent snow due to staff shortages many staff at Musgrove Park hospital were redeployed to avoid any operations from being cancelled.

Ivor has been informed that Dr Mike Phillips was found an appropriate job mending the broken leg of a Gingerbread man in the restaurant.

'Twas The Night Before Christmas 2009

2009-12-24T16:53:00.000Z

'Twas the night before Christmas
and all through the house
not a creature was stirring
except me and my spouse

All the presents were wrapped
the stockings full of stuff
my wife, she did sigh as she sat
'oh', I said, 'you think you have it rough'

The children were all nestled, snug in their beds
while I looked at the race track
and doll house boxes
my head full of dread

Tab A and slot B
soon filled my brain
I reached over to grab my beer
which I soon drained

When out on the street
there rose such a noise
there was some fat guy
and a big bag of toys

I ran to the window
my heart full of fear
I raised up the window
and threw up my beer

My eyes popped out
for what did I see?
a red Ford pick up
wrapped around our tree

On the hood were tied
eight reindeer, obviously dead
in front of the truck,
the fat guy, obviously out of his head

'Damn lights, damn flashers
damn snow all around
I knew I was gonna have an accident
drove it right into the ground'

I ran for the phone
to call 911
I knew this scene
was not going to be fun

As I started to dial
my wife said 'What's the matter?'
I looked out the window
The fat guy had a ladder

He set it on the side of the roof
and started to climb
he had nearly reached the top
when the cops arrived at the scene of the crime

He slipped on the ladder
and started to fall
'Won't someone catch me?'
he was heard to call

His boot got hooked
and flipped him upside down
as he hung by his toes
his bag hit the ground

I ran right on over
and gave him a grin
I pulled on the bag
and started dragging it in

'Just go ahead and take it'
he said with a sigh
'Just go ahead and leave me
hanging here to die'

The cops ran over
and helped him get down
as they snapped on the cuffs
one said 'What a fat clown'

I closed my door slowly
and then I shook with glee
I had to know what was in the bag
I just had to see

'I don't have to build that crap'
I was speaking to me
'I can take all this stuff
and stuff it under the tree!'

I looked at the goodies
and quickly lost my grin
as I read each package
my brain filled with chagrin

Each and ever box was marked
'Assembly Required'
I realized
I am going to be very tired

Save The Earth - Wivey's Carbon Footprint

2009-12-21T16:43:00.000Z

Wivey's carbon footprint has doubled since Rob Aplin turned on his Christmas lights. It was thought that Rob also turned away climate camp protest only to find out that they were Wivey Young Farmers carol singers.

Ivors tips

Do You Want To Help Save The Environment and Reduce CO2 Emissions? How can you help save the environment and reduce CO2 emissions?

Humans exhale Carbon Dioxide (CO2) - Stop breathing !!

''Dick Turpin,Ghouldilocks and the three bear drinkers'

2009-12-10T23:07:00.000Z

WAMDRAM Wivey's new amateur drama group are about to stage its first production, the pantomime 'Dick Turpin',but after recent photographs appeared in the press someone suggested it should be called 'Dick Turpin,Ghouldilocks and the three bear drinkers'

Synopsis of our version of 'Dick Turpin'

In the scariest tale of the infamous Dick 'Andy Harvey' Turpin, highwayman, is brought to raucous life in this hilarious pantomime.

Many a new twist is brought to the much-loved Panto conventions; Dame Ghouldilocks (Paul Hopkins), the villain (Delwyn Evans) complete with dim-witted henchmen, (Richard Piercey), the beautiful girl (??????)and her beau are all here, as ever, but in a new and exciting setting with its fair share of surprises! The choice of songs will cater to all tastes, both young and old and especially the deaf.

When lovable rogue Dick Turpin realises that someone is out to tarnish his reputation by claiming he is using too much water, he himself goes undercover. He takes a job on Dame Ghouldilocks farm so he can track down the villain.

But on the farm he discovers a love triangle between farm-hands Dolly the pantomine Cow , Pork Scratchings the old sow and Smokey Bacon the confused sheep.

Please send your nominations for the above posts, but Stuart even I am not brave enough to say that about Mims!

Gordon Brown

2009-12-08T12:37:00.002Z

Gordon Brown was visiting Wivey primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Mr. Brown if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'.

So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a 'tragedy.'

No, said Gordon - that would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy'

I'm afraid not, explained Gordon - that's what we would call great loss'

The room went silent. No other children volunteered Gordon searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand...

In a quiet voice he said: 'If a plane carrying you and Mr Darling was struck by a friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy.'

'Fantastic!' exclaimed Gordon. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?'

'Well,' says little Johnny 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a f*kc1ng accident either!

Musgrove Park Hospital, Taunton, found noise levels on an average general medical ward exceeded 60dB

2009-12-03T22:31:00.001Z

Ivors Comment -"What else would you expect with the Phillips family working there?"

Hospital wards across the NHS are breaking recommended noise limits, disturbing patients' sleep, well-being and recovery, experts say.

Two separate studies found the din of chattering visitors and loud mobile phones pushed noise levels well over recommended limits.

The World Health Organization says patients should not be exposed to noise above 35 decibels or a loud whisper.

But the UK researchers frequently recorded levels of 60dB to 90bB.

Researchers at Musgrove Park Hospital, Taunton, found noise levels on an average general medical ward exceeded 60dB most of the time, even at night.

Accident & Emergency

2009-11-29T17:09:00.003Z

Wivey 3rds would like to send their best wishes to Andy Ware after his recent microsurgery.

We understand that Andy was rushed into hospital last week after Sarah noticed an unusual swelling late at night.

Dr Willie Finder a spokesperson for the hospital said ' After initial assessment we realized the hands on approach was not an option and called in the microsurgery team.'

Nurse Vi Agra who helped Andy complete his admission form commented ' The operation went and we would not expect anything otherwise due to Andy's Teetotal, non smoking healthy lifestyle'

Other Medical News

After breaking down at half time recently whilst refeering a match Pete Thompson visited his Doctor.

When his Doctor requested a urine sample Thomo handed over his underpants.

Mike 'Elmer Fudd' Phillips

2009-11-29T12:40:00.001Z

The has been a rumour going around that Mike Phillips has actually managed to shoot a fox and a rabbit.

Today we can reveal that this rumour is true, but the taxidermnist threatened court action unless mike replaced his shop window.

'World's worst' e-fit sparks arrest

2009-11-27T21:55:00.000Z

Ivor's Comment' I'm not sure they got the right Man'

Bolivian police managed to track down a man wanted for murder from what was described as the world's worst photo-fit.

Officials issued an appeal for help, and one neighbour drew a picture of what she believed the suspect looked like - though many other people have said her drawing resembles nothing more than the scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz.

The picture, more reminiscent of a child's school drawing than a piece of forensic evidence, consists of a pair of eyes, lopsided lips, a broomstick-shaped nose, and straight eyebrows topped with hair resembling a thatched roof.

What lies beneath?

2009-11-09T18:17:00.000Z

Apparently the vast majority of Scotsmen still choose to wear nothing beneath their kilts, according to a survey out today.

A survey of men north of the border revealed that 69 per cent of kilt-wearers prefer to "go commando".

Of the remainder, 14 per cent said they wore boxers and 10 per cent chose briefs - with 7 per cent admitting to falling into the rather ambiguous "other" category. One man admitted wearing a thong with a Batman motif.

Researchers found that a large number of Scotsmen often made up their minds on the basis of how formal the occasion was. Many preferred to wear underwear for occasions such as weddings, while on less formal outings such as rugby matches they went without.

Do we think Ben is a thong man?

A natural move for an estate agent

2009-08-24T19:57:00.000Z

The new Wookly Hole witch has inspired Bruce Keay to make his next career move.

This occurred after the new witch proclaimed “I am on top of the moon. This is a natural step up from my current job as an estate agent. You need witchy skills to sell houses at the moment.

We now hear that bruce is in secret negotiations to replace the present Basil Fawlty in Fawlty Towers.

'Being a right miserable grumpy git he should fit in well' said Lynn

It is understood that Max Green is also being lined up to be the next 'Manuel'

Swine flu-the facts

2009-08-21T17:04:00.004Z

I called the Swine Flu hotline ... all I got was crackling.

I heard that the first symptom is that you come out in rashers.

Another is that you get the trotts.

But, I woke up with pig tails this morning ... Should I be worried?

The doctor asked me how long I'd had the symptoms of Swine Flu. I said it must have been about a Weeeeeeeeeeeeeek!

Apparently my mate's got Swine Flu, I think he's just telling porkies, though.

The only known cure for Swine Flu in humans has been found to be the liberal application of oinkment.

This little piggy went to market,
This little piggy stayed at home,
This little piggy had roast beef,
This little piggy had none.
And this little piggy had influenza A virus subtype hemagglutinin protein
1 neuraminidase protein 1

Swine flu, however, is not a problem for the pigs because they're all
going to be cured anyway.

News Flash .... this just in. The world's religious leaders have issued a
joint declaration that the Swine Flu pandemic is the start of the aporkalypse.

Swine flu has now mixed with bird flu. Scientists say they will find a cure when pigs fly.

I just heard on the news that, "Swine Flu could potentially be a threat to
every single person in the world". Well it's a good thing I'm married then, isn't it?

This is not a time for panic. It is no pig deal. It is a mild hamademic, don't believe the spam you're getting.

Half price on return flights to Mexico - it's not like you're comingback, is it?

You've got to hand it to the Mexicans. Even Osama Bin Laden didn't scare this many Americans.

DO NOT BE AFRAID OF SHINY, YELLOW BALL IN THE SKY, SAY EXPERT

2009-08-19T19:25:00.000Z

A Wiveliscombe expert is urging people not to panic when a large, shiny yellow ball appears in the skies over Wivey this week.

Professor Stuart Norman , of the Institute for Studies, said: "It's natural to be afraid, but we are 99% certain that the shiny, yellow ball means us no harm.

"Our computer modelling suggests it will encourage plant growth and pollination, as well as leading to a significant increase in white wine, ice cream and nipples as women remove their brassieres in what we think will be some sort of sacrificial offering.

"Indeed I advise, young women to remove as much of their clothing as possible while the shiny ball is visible, otherwise it could kill them. It totally could."

Wiveliscome 3rd team and Daryl Smith are not encouraged to expose the 'Man Boobs' though.

Professor Norman added: "Don't waste your time trying to touch it because, as far as we have been able to determine, it is quite a long way away.

"Possibly as far away as the moon, or Bristol."

Transvestite cult baffles religious leaders

2009-08-17T17:58:00.003Z

Religious leaders in India are baffled by a bizarre new transvestite cult in Wiveliscombe for men to live as a Hindu love goddess.

Thousands of devotees are now dressing up as Radha - the goddess lover of Krishna - like retired scarecrow Martin Broome, 41.

"I can't put it into words properly but I feel more holy dressed as a woman," said Broomena of New Delhi (The Restaurant).

"The Lord told me he wanted me as his bride and I won't ever have to worry about the CSA again."

But the cult has astonished traditional religious leaders.

Senior priest Mohammad Mustafa Phil Leeps said: "There are many ways to be closer to the Lord without trying to be his girlfriend - like my AK-47."

As the new Season approaches.........

2009-08-08T10:36:00.002Z

...Give a good home to an old donkey

We are looking for a home for this old boy! We have taken him in, completely unhandled, to save him from having to go to the sale. He has great potential for a cart donkey, companion or even a riding donkey for a child.

He is heavy boned,and is around 48-52" at this time. I don't have a measuring stick big enough to accurately measure him. He is considered a rescue and is in dire need of a good home! We don't have the facilities to keep him for long but do not want him to go to the sale to end up unloved and unhandled. He is already enjoying his neck and ear rubs but will need a lot of work. He seems to do what he is told and gets used to his routines very quickly!

If you think you can help email saveadonkey@wivey3rds.co.uk

More Donkey's

2009-08-08T08:51:00.000Z

Bruce has a very inquisitive nature and is always looking for things to play with. Recently he found an empty bucket and pushed it all around the yard with his nose, taking great delight in the noise he was making!

Jimmy is proving to be a very popular donkey and is beginning to enjoy all the attention he gets from visitors, who often admire his lovely, velvety grey coat! He has even started coming to the fence to meet the children. He continues to be as popular as ever in the riding arena, and giving rides to the children with special needs is something he is now very proud of!

Whilst practising long-reigning in anearby Park, we noticed that Pete was fascinated by the white lines marking out the rugby pitch. He was so intrigued, that he began to walk along the lines, refusing to go any other direction.

Mike enjoys the attention they get from the residents. They especially like the gardens of the homes as they can nibble the grass on the way out!

Mike always seems to enjoy himself - and we have discovered why. Recently he was seen staring intently at a large plasma screen television in the lounge of one of the residential homes. He would obviously be a television addict if given the opportunity!

Local Goverment Association's list of banned words

2009-07-31T17:24:00.001Z

How's about this for utter nonsense? The Local Government Association has created a list of 200 words which shouldn't be used by councils. Hmmm.

Click here to see the list.

Apparently council staff should avoid using these words in order to communicate effectively. What do you think?

When the Wivey Lads Go To London Town

2009-06-30T21:18:00.000Z

Mike Phillips Playing Golf

2009-05-23T11:02:00.001Z

We understand that Mike is almost as good as golf as he is at rugby. Here the proof?

Obstruction in Silver Street

2009-05-23T10:47:00.005Z

After a recent obstruction occurred in the road in Silver Street Martin Broome has suggested that the Government should supply jetpacks for the elderly.

This happened after a man from the bottom of Golden Hill on his mobility scooter had to avoid objects on the road and pavement in Silver Street .

This way they don't block the pavements and roads with those slow little machines that they have. This will reduce congestion so will be good for the environment. The elderly may have more fun in their life, more fun than bingo, and as there are no cars in the sky it will be much safer.

He said 'Soon everyone will want jetpacks and the world will be a better place.'

Breaking News

2009-05-22T12:09:00.002Z

More news from our 'Wivey Today' section in tomorrows edition when we interview the Wivey Colts player who recently solved one side of the Rubick's Cube.

Wivey Fireman Fight Pig Flu

2009-04-28T20:09:00.002Z

I hear that Wivey Firemen were sent into the Bear to combat a suspected case of pig flu. I understand from a source that the bar was cordoned off whilst Andy Priest ate all of the Pork scratching whilst Daryl Smith and Neil Higgins went down into the cellar after the Smokey Bacon crisps emerging hours later.

A Spokesperson for the Fire Service praised their bravery " We are concerned about possible side effects especially after the Mexican Chilli they all had at the weekend"

Health experts have suggested that another possible outbreak in Brompton Ralph appears to be the widely-known P19-Luv strain, for which there is no cure.

The farmer a member of Wivey Young Farmers, who runs the farm told officials that his pig had seemed fine two nights ago, but was keen to point out that he had never had sex with her.

Public Servants

2009-02-25T20:39:00.000Z

"Give me a sentence about a public servant", asked Ben Parnell to one of his Bridgwater pupils.

The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."

Ben took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" he asked.

"Sure", said the young student confidently. "It means 'carrying a child'.

Fare Revenge

2009-02-10T20:47:00.000Z

An man catches a taxi home one evening and the cabbie charges him almost double the usual fare and when he complains the driver becomes abusive.

The man resolves to get his revenge if he comes across this taxi driver again.

A week later the man goes to get a cab home and notices the driver from the week before is third in the taxi rank.He strolls up and gets in the first cab, once inside he tells the Nick Wickham that he doesn’t have any cash but if he takes him home he’ll give him a blow job. Nick goes mad and kicks him out of his cab.

The man now gets into the second cab and makes Flicky the same proposition: a blow job for a lift home. Flicky also refuses and kicks him out.

So now the man gets into the third taxi, the guy who ripped him off, and asks to be dropped a few blocks away.

As the cab drives off the smiles at Flicky and Nick and gives a big thumbs up…

Advice on Alcohol

2009-02-03T22:05:00.000Z

Martin Aplin on the touchline at North Petherton with two twelve year old girls.

CHILDREN should not be given any alcohol before they turn 15, parents have been warned. Britain's chief medical officer Sir Liam Donaldson said yesterday that between the ages of 15 and 18 youngsters should drink no more than once a week and only then under strict adult supervision.

He advised that parents who let their children have the odd tipple could be putting them at risk of brain damage and depression, stunting their growth and can cause memory problems.

Some parents are known to give children as young as five alcohol at home. Many families believe alcohol at mealtimes can encourage a responsible attitude in older offspring.

But Sir Liam yesterday said this practice was misguided and "middle class". He said the advice, the first in Europe and possibly the world, was being issued to help clear up parental confusion on safe levels of childhood drinking.

'A lot of people ask me what is wrong with giving children a glass of pinot noir watered down from an early age,' he said

'There is an extremely strongly held belief among middle class parents that it must work'

'But there is no evidence either way. The danger of any misguided attempt to ply children with alcohol is that they get the taste for drinking.'

Lookalikes - Ben 'Henry' Parnell

2009-02-01T21:59:00.002Z

Henry would not permit his photo to be used unless we allowed him to wear a disguise in case in went out in public and was mistaken for a teacher.

Binge drinking encouraged to beat recession

2009-01-31T20:25:00.001Z

Martin Broome has called for pubs and clubs to stay open 24/7 to help the UK spend its way out of recession.

Speaking at the Wite Hart pub in Wiveliscombe he said "People drinking more alcohol will have a knock on effect in lots of ways, more money will be spent at the bar,which will lead to more jobs for council workers who will have to clean up vomit and urine from the streets, also hospitals will employ more staff in A&E. "

"The motor industry will also benifit as more drunks will crash their cars leading to an increase in new car sales."

Ben Thain's Computer Clinic

2009-01-25T10:46:00.003Z

Is your computer running really slowly? Has it been infected by a virus or spyware? Viruses, adware, spyware, worms, hackers, scams, phisher attacks and the list reasons to worry goes on and on.

All these can be real threats so Wivey 3rds have teamed up with Ben Thain to offers hints and tips and general trouble-shooting along with some common questions with your computer.
Please email your questions to wivey3rds@hotmail.com or leave comments below:

So let's take a break and talk about some common questions that shouldn't worry you.

'My computer wont work' - Mike Phillips, Kingsmed Close
Press the on / off switch

'How do I email the Vicar' - M Boome, Silver Street
Dont bother your off to Hell anyway.

'Is internet shopping safe' - Anon, Wivey Ladies
Much safer than you driving to Taunton!

'I have been surfing internet porn and got a virus on this computer. How do I stop my mum from finding out?' - Anon. Wivey Under 15s
Don't worry you dad has been doing it as well!

'I have been surfing internet porn and got a virus on this computer. How do I stop my wife from finding out?' - Anon. Wivey 3rds
Blame it on your son !

'How do I sort out problems with my Excel Spreadsheet?' - Estate Agent, Wiveliscombe
Get a real job!

'I have pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens.' - Kirtsy Bawden, Wivey Ladies
Thats the computer's mouse.

'Can you suggest a good website for me?' - M. Aplin, Church Street
http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/TravelAndTransport/Highwaycode/index.htm

And my dad?
http://www.caravanclub.co.uk/

'How can I upload pictures of my favorite sheep to my facebook account' - Jimmy, Wiveliscombe Young Farmers
You f*****g Sheepsagger

Stuart Norman - Alcohol, wonder cure for everything.

2009-01-17T20:23:00.000Z

New cure all for the masses gets the thumbs up. In breaking news today it was revealed that alcohol was the answer to all the worlds problems.

Top Wiveliscombe expert Stuart Norman said today, "I have been trying to find all sorts of answers to all sorts of problems when I just had enough."

"I drank 5 cans of Stella Artois and nothing mattered anymore" continued Mr Norman.

His published results revealed that after 6 or more cans he became more handsome, women looked more attractive, he could drive much faster and became incredibly hilarious.

Side effects also noted included a tendancy for violence, extreme nausea and the smell of stale piss.

"The side effects, although extreme, can be easily removed by another session on the lash."

Mike & Jackie Phillips recent skiing trip

2009-01-17T15:56:00.005Z

We have exclusive pictures below of Mike & Jackie Phillips recent skiing trip.

Mike remarked they are taking the piste, "By the time I learned to stand up, I couldn't sit down."

Standard Assessment Tests (SATs) are too difficult

2009-01-17T10:02:00.000Z

Standard Assessment Tests (SATs) are too difficult, say Britain's teachers,
who struggle to mark the papers.

The national union has called for the scrapping of all exams for children under 10 because of the pressure they put on teachers. Its got so bad that some teachers might have to cancel one of their skiing trips!

"We really struggle to mark the exams, because we don't have the time and don't know the answers. " said teaching spokesperson Ivan O'Level.

" When we went to school, no one corrected our spelling, made us do our homework or taught us to add up without using our fingers, so why should we be expected to know the answers to these exams?

"How can we mark the papers if we don't know what marks to give? Not only that, we struggle to add up the number of questions the children have got right."

Ted Todd, a junior minister at the Department for Children, Schools and Families, said it is a disgrace that teachers are not clever enough to teach children. "Something should be done," he said, "to ensure that today's children do not grow up to be tomorrow's stupid and uneducated teachers."

Church Expulsion

2009-01-01T12:01:00.006Z

Martin 'Steptoe' Broome was thrown out of church during this year Christmas Eve might mass service. After interrupting the Vicar sermon and lecturing him on charity begins at home and unmarried mothers, Martin was escorted out the St Andrews door.

We can not fully understand why he was in the church whilst the pub were open - Perhaps he was planning a wedding?

When questioned about the incident he commented " I hear hell is like cross between Pete Thompson's classroom and my toilet after Graham's been in there, but at least its warm this time of year"

Ivor's Comment:

A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.

She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!"

The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Man, I'm on the wrong bus!"

New Year's Honours list leaked

2008-12-31T14:57:00.000Z

A Buckingham palace spokesman was said to be livid that news of some of this year's New Year Honour recipients had leaked out. The spokesman was said to be especially incensed as he had intended selling it to the Sun himself tomorrow.

The list, full of OBEs (Other Buggers Efforts), MBEs (May Be Essential) and assorted new Lord and Lady honours, recognizes the true worth of many people who are generally too useless to be awarded anything else.

Some of the names appearing on the leaked list this year included:

*Tommy Acock for services to comedy.

*Andy Priest for his contribution to his bank account.

*Benji Stevens for managing to avoid pushing the the scrums for the last twenty five years.

*Fyffes News for helping the public save money with their special 52-week sale

*Mike Phillips for demonstrating that even people who have the IQ of a telegraph pole can get on in life.

*Wivey Ladies for their contribution to 'This is why we should ban karaoke' appeal

Prime Minister Gordon Brown was said to also be a little miffed, especially as the misplaced names weren't on a disk or hard drive and weren't lost by a government department. He said that it was the Government's responsibility to be careless with names and personal details, not the Royal Household's.

Estate Agents Repossessed

2008-12-31T14:52:00.001Z

Tens of thousands of estate agents have lost their jobs since the start of the credit crunch, according to pointless research which highlights how the housing crash has wreaked misery across the economy.

Up to 80,000 of estate agents that were ripping of first time buyers & buy to let investors eighteen months ago are now eating economy beans & less fillet mignons since they were made unemployed due to the downturn.

Out of work estate agents have also been seen tramping the streets of Wiveliscombe making valuations of all the best begging spots & showing bottom end clients round bijou skips & bespoke cardboard boxes.

In a survey homeowners with crippling mortgages said that although they may lose their homes the fact that so many estate agents were now in the gutter made the pain easier to bear. "Every cloud has a silver lining" was the general consensus across the board.

Bampton Mother

2008-12-26T20:30:00.000Z

A single mother from Bampton went into the Jobcentre Plus to ask for help. The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"

"Ten," she replied.

"What are their names?" he asked.

"David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David and David," she answered.

"They're all named David?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?"

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'David,' and they all come running in."

"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"

"I just say, 'David, come eat your dinner'," she answered.

"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"

YMCA - School announces new head

2008-12-20T11:59:00.000Z

TAUNTON School deputy headmaster Jimmy Beale is to become head of Taunton Prep School.

He will replace Michael Anderson in January 2010 after ten years at the helm.

Mr Beale is already involved in the prep school as a parent, RE teacher and rugby referee.

He is a former police constable in Plymouth, but turned to teaching in 1992 He said: “Taunton Prep School is an amazing place - it gives confidence and structure to the young in an incredibly positive and supportive environment.

“The education is inspirational and teachers have a passion for ensuring that the journey and educational transition from very little to more mature is smooth and rewarding.”

Mr Anderson said it would be a “great wrench” leaving after ten years.

“There is so much that I will miss,” he added.

“Jimmy will work with the excellent staff to ensure that the School moves forward in a dynamic and exciting way without losing its essential ethos.”

Taunton School headmaster Dr John Newton said: “Michael retires after bringing the school to national recognition for its arts, sport and quality of teaching and learning.

“He will be sadly missed - his wisdom, calm and wonderful humour have all been deeply appreciated.”

CBI suggests bonus scheme for job botchers should be available to all British workers

2008-09-27T11:48:00.003Z

Martin Broom President of the Wivey CBI (Cow Boys & Indians) recently suggested that all British companies should introduce special bonus schemes for poor and shoddy workmanship.

With general state of the banking sector where bosses of failing banks are still receiving large bonuses he suggested in the Bear that they certainly did not deserve these 6-figure bonuses.

However, because the club membership of the Wivey CBI also boasts useless and over-paid managers in other business sectors, it was felt that the bonus system for shoddy work and foul-ups should be extended to all.

President of the CBI, said:

"There is growing unrest amongst Wivey's sloppiest and shoddiest workers that they are not being given recognition for their incredibly poor performance and business-ruining practices. Why shouldn't they also receive thousands of pounds for their incompetence?

"For example, when your child's teacher helps him fail their exams, give him a bonus. When you bank manager leaves your personal details outside the bank in a skip and your identity is stolen, give him a bonus.Or if someone drops a try scoring pass in a game of rugby, well give him a bonus on a incremental scale such as a packet or crisps or a pint of beer .

However under this scheme it is not clear how the education authority will be able to afford Ben Parnell's salary but it is rumoured that Mike Phillip's has already been offered life membership of Wivey RFC for his past performances.

"More bonuses all round I say."

Chester Locke

2008-09-17T21:16:00.003Z

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/7619715.stm

Two lovers banished from each other's sight when they conceived an illegitimate child nearly 40 years ago have been reunited by their daughter and are to marry.

Christine Orchard, 57, and Chester Locke, 64, from Taunton, Somerset, fell in love after meeting at a youth club in 1965.

Mrs Orchard discovered she was pregnant two years later, aged 16, but her mother said she could only keep the baby on the condition that she cut Mr Locke, then 21, from her life.

The daughter they had together, Tracey Orchard, now 40, decided to hunt down her birth father 12 years ago, moved by the death of her grandparents.

Together at last: Tracey Orchard (far left) reunited her parents Chester Locke and Christine Orchard who were forced apart for having Tracey out of wedlock

But she never dreamed her parents would fall in love all over again and that she would be at their wedding, due to take place in a fortnight's time.

Mrs Orchard told BBC Points West she was delighted to be marrying her childhood sweetheart after social stigma kept them apart for so long.

The former shop assistant said: "Being an unmarried mother back in the 1960s was still frowned upon. My parents decided they would bring the baby up but I had to sever all contact with Chester."

Tracey Orchard said her first motivation for the search was to dispel rumours that her father was a "waste of space". She was amazed when the romance rekindled so quickly.

She said: "My intention was to get him to meet his grandchildren and great-grandchild. I'm shocked but it is lovely. It's wonderful to see them where they should have been 40 years ago."

Mr Locke, who works in a saw mill, joked: "I'm a bit angry at her for making me wait!"

He was told never to contact Christine or his daughter Tracey - who was raised by her maternal grandparents - and went on to marry another woman and raise his own family.

But Tracey, now 40, set about rebuilding her broken family following the death of her grandparents and staged a surprise meeting between Ms Orchard and Mr Locke.

And despite their long and difficult separation, the pair - who were both divorced - fell head over heels in love for the second time - 40 years after their relationship ended.

Incredibly Christine, now 57, and Chester, 64, are set to marry later this month and fulfil their lifelong dream of living side by side.

Ms Orchard, of Taunton, Somerset, said: 'There was always quite a lot of hoo ha about Chester because of the age difference.

'When my parents found out I was pregnant my Mum and her sisters went into a room and basically decided my future.

'They told me that if I wanted to I could keep the baby and they would bring her up, but I had to stay away from Chester.'

Family ties: Christine Orchard holds daughter Tracey

Retired shop assistant Ms Orchard added: 'Mum told me that if I saw Chester in the street I should walk away, so I didn't see him again for 35 years.'

Ms Orchard fell pregnant aged 16 after a whirlwind romance with local 'heartthrob' Mr Locke, an engineer who worked in her local launderette in Taunton.

But Ms Orchard's late parents Flossie and Fred 'ruled with an iron rod' and insisted the pair were separated for ever.

Christine was allowed to keep the baby on the condition that neither had any further contact with Mr Locke.

Mr Locke eventually married and bore another daughter, Amanda, who is now in her 30s.

Meanwhile, Ms Orchard married in 1972 and produced three children, Russell, 35, Nicky, 31, and Ryan, 27.

She separated from her husband in 1998 before divorcing him last year.

Mr Locke also separated from his wife and divorced in 2007.

But when Fossie and Fred died 12 years ago, mum-of-two Tracey moved out of the family home and began thinking of ways to reunite her parents.

Single Tracey, who lives with daughters Jennifer, 21, Alison, 17, and son Christopher, 15, said: 'I was always told my Dad was a waste of space but I needed to find out for myself.

'After all, everyone changes in 35 years. After my grandparents died I lost a big part of my life and I wanted to fill in the gaps.'

Tracey finally tracked down her father, who still lived in Taunton, in 2003, but both he and her mother were still married.

She secretly kept in touch until Ms Orchard's marriage - like Mr Locke's - broke down and Tracey arranged for a surprise meet at the local pub.

To Ms Orchard's amazement and delight, Mr Locke had also been asked to come and the long-lost pair set about rebuilding their relationship.

Grandmother-of-two Ms Orchard said: 'When we met up that first time we were talking and laughing so much we didn't leave for five hours.

'It felt very safe going back to someone I already knew. I suppose in a way we were reliving our youth.'

Mr Locke, who works in a saw mill, popped the question earlier this year and the couple are now set to wed on September 27 at a chapel in Taunton with family and friends.

He said: 'We've made our mistakes but she's the love of my life and I couldn't be happier.

'If you'd have told me ten years ago that I'd be marrying Christine after all these years I would never have believed you, but here we are.

'Getting married means a lot to me. I can't wait to spend the rest of our lives together as man and wife.'

Tracey added: 'I think it's going to be a new beginning for the whole family.'

Become a teacher

2008-09-17T21:16:00.002Z

I Predict.............

2008-09-02T15:01:00.000Z

Olympic Chiefs have decided to include Farting into the London 2012 Olympic Games.

2008-09-01T21:28:00.000Z

The Olympic Panel Committee agreed unanimously that if they were going to have silly events like Gymnastic Ribbon Twirling & Synchronized Swimming in the Olympics, then Farting is a viable option.

The event will include many different disciplines of Farting: Men's, Women's and mixed doubles catagories. 3 judges will award points for Odour, pitch, tone and style of delivery. A shit is immediately disqualified. Each competitor will be randomly tested for banned substances such as: Sprouts, Curry, Chilli, Bombay Mix and Baked Beans.

There are several Catagories: Freestyle, Power Endurance, Synchronized Formation, Squat-thrust, Power Blast & Marathon.

6 times UK Champion, Stuart 'The Trumpet' Norman from Wiveliscombe is thrilled, he said

"it'll be fantastic to represent Great Britain in 2012. Efforts must be doubled and I am gonna practice every day and it'll be nice to be around people me again".

Seb Coe, who himself is known to be quite handy in the trouser department and regularly 'turns out' for his local pub team, has welcomed the news. "It's going to be a tremendous spectacle", said Lord Coe "I've already booked The Gas Club in Croydon. We will need to improve the ventilation though

I'd do anything

2008-08-26T21:52:00.003Z

Here we see Ben Parnell at the BBC auditioning for the role of Nancy and one three youthful proteges to play orphaned urchin Oliver in the new Cameron Mackintosh forthcoming West End production of Oliver!

It is not known whether he tried out for the part of Oliver or just wanted to be a Nancy .

Unfortunately he did not get the callback and was recommended by the panel for the part of the Tin Man in Wivey's production of The Wizard of Oz.

When are school holidays in England?

2008-08-26T17:01:00.004Z

The British academic year runs from September to July.

Schools are open for 195 days each school year.

English schools have 3 terms, separated by holidays.

The school year is 39 weeks long and is divided into three terms:

Term 1 - September to October (followed by a one week holiday),October to December (followed by a two week holiday)
Term 2 - January to February (followed by a one week holiday), February to March (followed by a two week holiday)
Term 3 - April to May (followed by a one week holiday). June to July (followed by a six week summer holiday)

Who decides the dates of the School terms and holidays for these lazy b******ds?

A state-of-the-art watch?

2008-08-26T13:02:00.001Z

A rather confident 007 strolled into a bar and took a seat next to a stunningly attractive woman. He gave her a quick glance, then casually looked at his watch for a moment.

Noticing his actions, the woman next to him asked, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replied, "Q's just given me this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

Intrigued by his words the woman replied, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"Well you see," said Bond, "it uses Alpha waves to telepathically talk to me."

"I see," said the woman, "and what's it telling you now?"

"It says you're not wearing any knickers..." came the reply.

The woman giggled and replied, "Well it must be broken because I'm afraid I'm wearing knickers!"

007 tutted, tapped his watch and said, "Damn thing must be an hour fast!"

Guys & Their Games

2008-08-23T13:09:00.000Z

Here are the facts, ladies. Two-thirds of all men in television-owning households between the ages of 18 and 34 have videogame consoles, according to media research company, Nielsen. That means your chances of going with a gaming guy are pretty high. What can his choice of gaming system tell you about him? We convened a panel of experts to give you the scoop:

What does a PlayStation reveal about a bloke?
This is your 21st-century individual who enjoys gaming and demands the best out of his experience—and probably his women. The PS3 guy enjoys life to its fullest. He is sophisticated, intelligent, enjoys competition and is willing to wait for a good thing. He is loyal as well.

What does a Wii tell a woman about her potential date?
The Wii-mote will force him to get up off the couch and actually get a little exercise while he’s playing. Of all of the consoles, the Wii is probably the best date machine, as a lot more of the games appeal to both sexes. Challenge him to a game of tennis or bowling.

And what does the Xbox divulge about its owner?
There is a wide variety of games available through the Xbox 360... so one may be better able to find games in common with a significant other who may not be an avid gamer. Preferring the Xbox 360 may say that the owner is willing to play cooperatively.

Of course, these expert opinions won’t apply to all men who own these consoles, so don’t consider them absolutes. But they should help you gain some solid clues about that videogame-playing guy you’re seeing.

A spokeswoman for Wivey ladies commented "We prefer men that play with balls and if you've watched Wivey 3rds, then you have seen men that play with their balls together"

On The Pull In Wellington

2008-08-19T13:04:00.002Z

Wiveliscombe Will Send Reinforcements

2008-08-18T12:35:00.002Z

An Australian mayor has landed himself in hot water after making an ill-advised plea for ugly women, subtly illustrated here by a bearded lady, to move to a remote mining town where men outnumber women by a ratio of five to one.

John Molony, the mayor of Mount Isa, found himself under attack after the suggestion that telling a local newspaper "with five blokes to every girl, may I suggest that beauty-disadvantaged women should proceed to Mount Isa" reports Reuters.

Mayor Molony has refused to apologise for his comments and added that, in a testosterone-laden town famous for cowboys and mining, he was simply “telling it like it is”.

However, the situation may not be quite as dire as Molony noted. The Associated Press reports that, according to the 2006 census, men make up 52.6 percent of Mount Isa’s population of nearly 20,000

Builders bungle train tunnel

2008-08-14T14:14:00.003Z

Bungling engineers have been left red-faced after building a railway tunnel that's too small for trains to actually fit through.

The costly mistake was only discovered when inspectors measured the finished tunnel in the Polish capital, Warsaw, and realised the roof was so low that no trains would get under it.

Rail bosses claim the mix-up happened because workers who were laying new tracks didn't talk to the team that was building the tunnel.

"During work on the tunnel, tracks were laid down on newly-raised ground which meant the distance between the tracks and roof of the tunnel became shorter," said Polish Railways spokesman Marta Szklarek.

Wiveliscombe Representative of ARD (Association of Road Diggers) Mr Sharland commented

'I went to Poland last year to discuss how best we could delay traffic across Europe using Taunton as a template. After long talks with Hans Onmeknob I went to advise the poles how to lean on a shovel, drinking coffee whilst traffic backed up.

The cock-up is the latest in a series of public transport construction fiascoes in Poland.

A tunnel built recently to divert lorry traffic in Warsaw turned out to be too low for lorries.

Aplin's win Dunster Castle Tickets

2008-08-09T13:14:00.002Z

It appeas that Rob and Monica Aplin have gone a bit over the top after wining free tickets to Dunster Castle in the Wiveliscombe Rugby Club Fete Grand Draw.

It was suggested that he was dressed up as St George but I am not brave enough to say what that makes Monica..........

Divorce

2008-08-01T12:48:00.000Z

A man is being divorced by his wife after his penis extension snapped off during sex.

Doctors in Voronezh, southern Russia, had fitted the special prosthetic when Grigory Toporov, 47, told them he didn't measure up to his wife's expectations in the bedroom.But she was horrified when the extension broke off during a wild sex session.

"I told her I would get a new one but she wasn't having any of it. She said she was fed up with my failures in bed and wants a divorce," said Toporov.

His wife is now moving to Wellington, Somerset UK affter she heard a lot of big pricks live there.

Prayboy

2008-07-31T12:47:00.000Z

Is this Thomo's reading material?

Speaking Clock

2008-07-30T19:46:00.000Z

I hear that Matt Ellis had the colts round his house last week late one night, and led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.

"What's that big brass gong for?" Graham Broome asked.

"Why, that's the talking clock" Matt replied.

"How does it work?" asked Toby West. "Watch", Matt said, giving it an ear-shattering pound with a hammer.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "For fuck sake, you wanker, it's 2am in the fucking morning!!"

The most bizarre transfers

2008-07-29T19:39:00.005Z

Will anyone take Baz for a packet of peanuts??

The most bizarre transfers

Name: Ernie Blenkinsop

Transfer route: Cudworth to Hull

Year: 1921

'Fee': £200 and 80 pints of ale

Ok, so money was used here, but only as a sweetener to off-set the taste of bitter. Not that anyone in Cudworth, a village in South Yorkshire, needed any cheering up at the time.

It's not known whether the vast quantity of ale was shared among the inhabitants or simply guzzled by a sole, alcoholic director.

Blenkinsop wasn't too bothered either way, he went on to become England captain and a Sheffield Wednesday legend.

Inflatable sparks Clatworthy rescue

2008-07-25T15:51:00.006Z

A major air search at Clatworthy Reservoir was called off - when two inflatable sheep were found. An RAF rescue helicopter and the Wivey Fire Engine were called out after a member of the public reported someone struggling in the water.

Fortunately after closer inspection emergency services only found two 3ft inflatable sheep, reports the Wivey Mirror. However, Wiveliscombe Fire Fighter Daryl Smith thought he recognized the object in the water as a balloon that he had purchased at Wivey Rugby Club Fete.

Daryl commented " I paid good money for that balloon and was going to let it go to waste and return the ticket if I could. At least the two inflatable sheep are doing well and recovering at Wivey Fire Station."

As we go to press though reports suggest the two inflatable sheep concerned have gone missing from Wivey Fire Station...........................

Miracle Cure

2008-07-22T15:25:00.000Z

Insomniacs across Taunton Deane have had the first nights sleep in a long time after receiving a miracle cure. This occurrence coincided with Chester Locke appearance on the radio talking about his life story and forthcoming wedding in September.

One insomniac from Lion d'angers, Wivelisombe commented

"I even went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. He gave me a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with me, and then told me that if I ever expect to cure my insomnia, I just have to stop taking my troubles to bed with me"

I know, I said, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone."

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

2008-06-30T13:39:00.002Z

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Anaesthetist
4. Cinnamon
5. Chrysanthemum

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Specificity
2. Rhipidistian-Amphibian Transition
3. Anti-constitutionalistically
4. Transubstantiate
5. Sphygmomanometer

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

01. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex. (Wivey Colts)
02. Nope, no more booze for me. (Andy Ware)
03. Sorry, but you're not really my type. (Martin Broome)
04. Mac Donalds? No thanks, I'm not hungry. (Stuart Norman)
05. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight? (Rock)
06. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing karaoke. (Wivey Ladies)
07. I'm not interested in fighting you. (Mike Philips)
08. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool. (Rob Aplin)
09. Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to hurl in the street. (Daryl Smith)
10. I must be going home now as I have work in the morning. (Bloody Lying School Teachers)

Michael Eavis: Glastonbury Goers Are Too Old

2008-06-12T23:29:00.000Z

Michael Eavis believes that there were too many old people at this year’s Glastobury Festival.
The farmer wants to attract a younger audience to the Worthy Farm extravaganza, saying that the 2007 crowd was too “middle-class” and too “respectable.”

He told the Metro: “We’re trying to get the youngsters back – the 16, 17 and 18 year-olds - because numbers were down this year. People say we’re getting middle class, which is stretching it a bit far, but we’re attracting a lot more people in their 30s and 40s.”

Mr Eavis continued: “These kids add so much to the flavour of it and should have a lot of fun but we’re getting the 30 and 40-year-olds in, which changes the character of it.
"The demographic is changing and it’s slightly worrying. We might lose the fascination the show has for the public.

"The people who now come have the right attitude, they grin and bear the mud. They’re fantastically well mannered and polite, and respectable, but they do change the nature of the show."

However, Eavis admitted that the problem was partly Glastonbury’s fault with the complicated ticketing system they employ.

He added that internet users are "likely to be older people, with the money for the fast connections.

"By selling 40% of tickets through phone lines, kids will be able to use their mobile phones to get tickets."

Ode to Martin Broome

2008-06-04T13:59:00.003Z

Positive proof that Martin Broome does do some work:

I'm the farmer's scarecrow, I scare away the birds,

I keep the farmer's corn safe without any words.

But when Halloween comes I jump out of the ground

And scare the boys and girls when they come walking 'round.

Binge drinking adults 'are normal'

2008-06-02T15:03:00.003Z

Many children think adults who binge drink are behaving normally, according to a new survey. The study questioned 15 seventeen to 50 year-old children who play for Wiveliscombe 3rd team about their perceptions of adult alcohol consumption

A third questioned by researchers said they believed five or more glasses of wine in one night was normal for adults. More than a quarter of children thought drinking four pints of beer in an evening was usual. 60% told researchers people drink alcohol to forget about their problems.

Stephen Burgess, National Director of Life Education said: "As educationalists, health workers, the media, advertisers or simply parents we must take these results seriously and consider carefully the messages we are sending out.

"We need to look at what role models we wish to provide and to make sure children understand that a healthy life does not involve excessive drinking, unless your a school teacher on an inset day"

Last month it emerged more than one of these children are seen in hospital at least five days a week and others on a regular basis with alcohol-related problems. For example: returning home pissed to their wives and partners. .

First photos of uncontacted tribe

2008-06-01T16:32:00.002Z

Painted warriors from one of Brazil's last uncontacted tribes have been photographed for the first time.

They were spotted in Brazil's far western Amazon jungle near the Peruvian border.

The photos were taken on flights over the Ethno-Environmental Protected Area along the Envira River in the remote Acre state, the National Indian Foundation or Funai said.

The photos show "strong and healthy" warriors, six huts and a large planted area. It is not known to which tribe they belong but they are thought to be related to the Aplin and Lockyer families.

Funai does not make contact with the Indians and prevents invasions of their land, to ensure total autonomy for the isolated tribes, Funai said.

"We did the overflight to show tribe's houses, to show they are there, to show they exist," said Mr Meirelles.

"This is very important because there are some who doubt their existence."

UK based charity Survival International said the Indians are in danger from illegal logging in Peru.

This is driving uncontacted tribes over the border and could lead to conflict with the estimated 500 uncontacted Indians now living on the Brazilian side.

There are more than 100 uncontacted tribes worldwide, most of them in Brazil and Peru or Wellington, the group said.

Survival director Stephen Corry called for their territory to be protected by international law.

Wivey And North Kingsmead Expeditionary Regiment

2008-05-30T11:10:00.005Z

In the above video we can see the Wivey And North Kingsmead Expeditionary Regiment training on the West Somerset coastline. This unit or WANKER's as they are more commonly known have been put through their paces by former Marines Omar Rawlings and Delwyn Evans.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q5sHcXRec_I

Once fully active this unit Will be sent to do peace keeping duties in Kingsmead Close and The Square as well as sheep protection at Brompton Ralph.

Next Years Eurovision Song Contest result announced ahead of event

2008-05-28T15:56:00.004Z

The result of next years Eurovision Song Contest has been announced ahead of the competition being held, with the winning song from the UK gaining the highest number of 12 point votes.

"I wear the trousers", to be sung by Wivey Ladies representing the UK, will sweep the boards at this year's event, despite the block voting that will occur from former Communist Russian states.

The song which will come second,"Flump Phat Pharg", sung by a goat herder from Mont Blanc, accompanied by an orchestra comprised solely of black-headed seagulls , will be only 32 votes behind.

An ecstatic Sir Terrence of Woganshire takes up the story:

"I genuinely think both the mummified group of lute musicians from Pompei who are representing Italy with "My alphabeti spaghetti" and the bicycle representing Malta may do better.

"I also feel the entry from Afganistan is a little out of place, and "Boom Bang a Bang" by Osama and the Tallytubbies is frankly in very bad taste."

Stamping down on crime

2008-05-28T15:44:00.003Z

A Wivey shopkeeper has been warned that he could be jailed for his unusual way of dealing with shoplifters.He said police were doing little to prevent shoplifters targeting his shop so he told thieves he'd call the police unless they gave him one of their shoes.

But police told him his punishment counted as robbery, whereas shoplifting was merely a misdemeanour.

"I give them the choice. I say, 'I'm either going to call the cops or you give me one of your shoes'," Mr Milton Fyffe told The Wivey Mirror.

"They're too humiliated to come back and ask for their shoe, and that also means they won't steal again."

But PC Dick Head of Wivey Constabulary said: "I would suggest that he find a different option that doesn't involve giving up property. "What's the difference between him saying, 'Give me £20 and I won't call the police' or 'Give me your shoe?'"

Mr Milton Fyffe has denied having a shoe fetish and has reluctantly agreed to abide by the police warning: "It was a good try, but I'll have to figure something else out," he said.

BID - Balamory is Disturbing

2008-05-27T16:14:00.000Z

CBeebies programme Balamory has been switched to Channel 4 and will now be aired at 10.00pm after complaints from concerned parents that it was disturbing.

The fictional fishing village has what can only be described as having alternative characters.

Spokesperson for BID (Balamory is Disturbing) James Beale said 'I was shocked when I came home from work to see my children watching this programme as to be blunt; it scared the shit out of me. If that's not the Wicker Man then I don't know what is?'

Beale continued, 'From what I saw, you have a chap who resides in a pink castle and makes inventions out of everyday objects, a policeman who does pirouettes and sings and a school teacher who is just plain weird. It's all well and good having a copper singing and dancing but I bet crime is through the bloody roof, it's the stuff of nightmares.

'I myself grew up watching the likes of Mr Benn, Sesame Street and Finger bobs. What next will they show? The Chainsaw Children and the Hillbilly Bastard clan? It's all wrong I tell you.'

Ivor Comment: Sounds a bit like Wivey to me !

Bristol City Fans To Abandon Singing Cider Songs

2008-05-27T16:08:00.000Z

Fans of Bristol City, the Championship playoff losers, have vowed to stop singing stupid cider songs as a way of inspiring their team, and of drowning their sorrows after huge defeats.

Bristol lost 1-0 at the hands of far superior Hull City in the Wembley final last Saturday, and must start the new campaign in August back in the Championship, enduring another season along with the likes of Doncaster Rovers, who, at least, know how to win at the Twin Towers.

Their inability to get past Hull will now cost them £60million.

The Robins fans, who had expected as much, came armed with a full complement of Cider Songs, including Coider Rosie, and The Wurzels top ten hit, I Am A Coider Drinker (Oo ar oo ar ay, oo ar oo ar ay), as well as their self-penned anthem I'm Dozy And Blathered - Give Me Another Coider.

When Hull fans laughed uncontrollably at this West Country cacaphony, however, the sad Bristolians fell silent, and having failed to console themselves, trudged off back to Avon with their tails and pitchforks between their legs.

Robins fan, John Figgis, 21, who had a piece of straw sticking out of his mouth, said:

"Oo ar, oo ar. Them coider songs didn't do us much good, did them?"

Wivey 3rds Late Night Out Last Saturday

2008-04-22T08:50:00.000Z

Last of The Summer Whine

2008-04-13T18:16:00.005Z

Wivey TV are to reamake an episode of the whimsical comedy with a penchant for light philosophy and full-on slapstick, that first run following the misadventures of three elderly friends and their mates tramping around the countryside.

The cast include Pete 'Foggy' Thompson; flat cap-wearing voice-of-reason Ben 'Cleggy' Parnell, a scruffy hormone-riddled layabout Martin 'Compo' Broome, Bruce 'Smiler' Keay and Mike 'Eli' Phillips.

In a world where men are just over-grown kids, the authority figures come in the shape of some of Wivey's most formidable women. There will be casting for the physically intimidating tea shop owner Ivy, and Nora Batty, with her wrinkled stockings and hair curlers, she's both a bogeyman figure curtailing the trio's fun and became an unlikely lust object for Compo.

'Compo Simonite'

Lunt villagers sick of graffiti

2008-04-11T15:06:00.005Z

A campaign has been launched in the historic village of Lunt to change its name because vandals keep defacing road signs.The not-so-witty pranksters constantly change the village's name to an extremely rude swear word, reports the Daily Telegraph.

However, the proposal is dividing villagers in the Merseyside community who say they should not have to give up a name that has been around since the 13th century.

Martyn Ball, a retired police officer and prospective Conservative councillor, is urging residents to support the move because he is fed up with the graffiti which greets visitors to the village.
He said: "We are all painfully aware of the repeated times our village sign is defaced by mindless yobs who change the L to a C.

After an appeal for information on Crimewatch, hundreds of viewers phoned in to name Mike Phillips as the biggest Lunt.

David Roughley, whose family has farmed in Lunt since 1851, added: "At the end of the day we live in Lunt and we don't want to change because of a few yobs. It is the vandals who should change, not the village. It could be worse, we could be called Twatt!"

The State of the Country !

2008-04-11T14:55:00.002Z

Message On The M5

2008-04-10T11:56:00.000Z

It has been suggested to me that it was Richard Peircey who was driving this lorry up the M5 this morning.

Man 'Targeted By Green Aliens' Sent To Asylum

2008-04-07T22:05:00.006Z

A Wiveliscombe man whose home has been hit an incredible five times by meteorites believes he is being targeted by aliens.

Experts are now investigating local magnetic fields to try and work out what makes him so attractive to big green men.

But Mr F, who has had a steel girder reinforced door and roof put on the house he rents has an alternative explanation.

He said: "I am obviously being targeted by extraterrestrials. I don't know what I have done to annoy them but there is no other explanation that makes sense. The chance of being hit by a meteorite is so small that getting hit five times has to be deliberate.

The strikes always happen when the pubs close and it is raining heavily, never when there are clear skies.He said: "I did not know what the strange-looking creatures were at first but I am being targeted by aliens. They are playing games with me. I don't know why they are doing this. When it rains I can't sleep for worrying about another strike."

Wivey 3rds 48 Chard 3rds 5

2008-04-05T16:38:00.002Z

With Omar Rawlings off watching Portsmouth scrape though to the FA Cup final and Lee Milton Fyffe doing a late newspaper round Wivey struggled to raise a team for the 1pm start. This was compounded by Mike Phillips not arriving until half time but not may people noticed.

Playing up the slope in the first half Wivey struggled with the swirling wind and bad handling and only manged to score one try through Rob Stone breaking fron inside his own half, which was converted by Ross Porter leaving the half time score 7 - 0.

In the second half Wivey's handling improved and they made the most of their possession and the slope. Rob Stone completed a hat trick of tries, and Dave Huxtable, Baz Lockyer, Fly half Jamie and Matt Green also score tries. Prop Chris Roud also scores a try in the corner at at the end of the game and after several pints he was wondering if he was needed at work.

Ross Porter converted four leaving the score at the final whistle 48 - 5

In the bar afterwards the usual fines were toilet brushes and Ross Porter unsuccessfully tried to convince the twat that his wife cleaned the toilet with his toothbrush

Plan a bank raid - students told

2008-04-05T09:06:00.003Z

Students are being asked to plan a bank robbery for an assignment. They have to work out how to rob a bank with a team of six within seven minutes, reports Information Times.

They have to come up with a robbery action plan for a team comprising a leader, a lock breaker, a driver, two robbers and a gunman.

The school teacher who came up with the assignment after watching the twat rob Wivey 3rds weekly, says it's aimed at teaching students how to allocate resources economically and efficiently.

"Students majoring in the arts usually do not have the training in thinking deliberately that students majoring in science do. So this also trains their thinking ability," he said.
The assignment involves teams of five or six students, with each team having to make its own presentation.

One student said: "We've never taken an assignment as seriously as this one. On our team, each person came up with a plan, and we picked the best one. We even timed ourselves on the college grounds."

The teacher who came up with the idea doesn't think the assignment will encourage students to rob a bank for real: "They're adults, and know what's right and wrong," he added.

Up and Underwater

2008-04-05T08:56:00.003Z

No I am not talking about Mike Phillips retrieving his golf balls at Cedar Falls golf course !

Switzerland has started an underwater rugby competition with dozens of teams signed up for the new sport.The Swiss Underwater Sports Union says it's been flooded with requests from people wanting to learn the game.

It is now organising introduction days for newcomers. Underwater rugby is a six-a-side game for both men and women who are equipped with flippers, a snorkel and goggles.

The ball is filled with salt water and weighs 13lbs, and the aim of each team is to place it in the basket of the opposing team on the ground of the swimming pool. Players have to come to the surface to breathe.

Jan Maisenbacher of the Swiss Underwater Sports Union says: "Underwater rugby is the only three-dimensional sport."

The game was first developed in Germany to help train divers and has become the new hit sport on the continent this year.

2008-04-05T08:54:00.003Z

One sunny afternoon Superman was out flying around. Crime was slow that day, so he decided to go over to Spiderman's house. Supe: "Hey Spidey, let's go get a burger and a beer!".

Spidey: "No can do, Supe. I've got a problem with my Web-shooter. Can't fight crime tomorrow without it".

So Superman heads over to the Bat Cave to see what's up. Supe: "Hey, Batman! Let's go get a burger and a beer!". Batman: "Not today, my friend. My BatMobile is down and it must be fixed today. Can't fight crime tomorrow without it".

Disgruntled, Superman takes to the air, cruising around the skies when he flies over a penthouse apartment. And what to his SuperVision does he see, but none other than WonderWoman, lying on the deck, spread-eagle, stark-naked! Supe gets a brilliant idea: "They've always said I'm faster than a speeding bullet and I've always wondered what she'd be like with all her Wonder Powers". So he zzoooooommms down and does her in a flash and is gone before anyone can notice. All of a sudden WonderWoman sits up and says, "What was that!?!". Then the Invisible Man gets off her and replies, "I don't know but it hurt like hell!"

Camel Beauty Pageant

2008-04-05T08:46:00.001Z

A beauty pageant is being held in Abu Dhabi - for camels.Ten thousand camels will compete against each other with the chance of their owners winning more than £4m in prize money and up to 100 cars and other prizes to be won.

Camels from Bahrain, Kuwait, Oman, Qatar and Saudi Arabia will take part in the competition. The contest is part of the Mazayin Dhafra festival, with a panel of expert camel appreciators from Brompton Ralph will be judging each age group.

The ruler of Abu Dhabi, Sheikh Khalifa bin Zayed, has sponsored the event in its six years, reports BBC online.

After the contest there wil be an auction where some of you might like to see how many camels you can get for your partners and wives.

Fair Exchange??

Colts Suffer Trauma After Listening to Wivey Ladies CD

2008-04-05T08:44:00.004Z

WARNING

The 'Wivey Ladies Sing Karaoke ' cd is a lethal killer. If found do not attempt to listen to it ! Call Scotland Yard's Anti Terrorist Unit immediately.

Basil Brush racist?

2008-04-05T08:40:00.002Z

Basil Brush is at the centre of a police investigation after an allegation that an episode of the programme was racist to gypsies.

A complaint was made after an episode of the BBC show featured a gypsy character selling pegs and lucky heather and a joke about a fortune teller stealing Basil's wallet.

Gypsies from Kinsmead Close, Wiveliscombe reported the show to the Police alleging that the storyline is racist towards their community and way of life.

Michael Phillips, vice-chairman of the South West Romany, gypsy and Irish Traveller Network, called on the BBC to pull the episode and give travellers the same protection and respect they give to other ethnic minorities.

"They need to realise that gypsies and travellers are a recognised ethnic minority in this country and deserve the same treatment as any other group," he said.

"To perpetuate this myth about gypsies and travellers is wrong. Attitudes like this belong 20 or 30 years ago, we are supposed to have moved on since then.

"If they are going to keep showing this then I look forward to them bringing back the likes of Alf Garnett to the screen."

The BBC refused to comment on the situation, with a spokesman saying the matter was now in the hands of the police.

A spokesman for the Police said: "We can confirm we have received a complaint about a TV show featuring Basil Brush from a member of the public.

"The complaint was logged as an incident of a racist nature and we are now investigating."

Lookalikes

2008-04-05T08:03:00.000Z

Wivey 3rds Join Facebook

2008-04-03T10:51:00.002Z

Why I should not have got so pissed after playing for, or at Wivey Rugby Club!

Type:Sports & Recreation - Recreational Sports
Description: Wiveliscombe RFCPissed & Proud In Wivey

Click Below to Join

http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=23970418656

Excuse for speeding

2008-03-18T16:54:00.002Z

I hear that Charlotte Phillips was pulled over on for speeding on the Taunton Road last week. When asked for her driver's license, she argued, "Speeding??? But officer, I was only trying to keep a safe distance between my car the and the car behind me."

Tiverton 3rds 0 Wivey 3rds 22

2008-03-10T09:16:00.005Z

With skipper Rob Aplin away on holiday it was left to Mike Phillips to leave his golf and fishing alone to rally the troops this week. With many players unavailable this was not an easy task for him but thanks to several colts who stepped in at the last minute, to everyone's surprise he managed to count up to 15.

On a cold windy afternoon in Devon, Wivey started the game well but despite lots of pressure in the early stages failed to score. Tiverton responded well and began to put pressure on in the scrum and loose play and for a while the game was evenly matched. Credit must go to Wivey colts Matt Ellis and Graham Broom in the front row up against a very experienced Tiverton front row.

Midway through the first half Wivey finally scored after a series of passes out wide Dave Huxtable ran in to score a try in the corner. This was soon followed by a series of forward phases and the ball went out wide for winger Omar ' Hair Gel' Rawlings to score. Both tries went unconverted and the half time score was 10 - 0.

In the second half Wivey continued to pile on the pressure and big Dave ' Steamroller' Brant ran over and past several Tiverton players to make a 25yd break. From the following ruck the ball was passed out to Ben Parnell to score under the posts. He also converted this try of which he repeatedly reminded us all evening. At 17 - 0 the result was not in doubt and Wivey relaxed for a while and Tiverton's tackling prevented more tries. Near the end Dave Brant finished off a forward move to score Wivey's fourth try to make the final score 22 - 0.

Once again another good satisfying performance on a cold, windy afternoon

Green Fingers

2008-03-10T09:09:00.003Z

No matter how hard my Tommy tries, every plant or flower he has attempted to grow seems to wither and die an untimely death under his care. But he never gives up hope.

Whilst visiting his home recently, a friend pointed to a line of new plants that Tommy had placed by the kitchen bay window.

“Look,” she whispered,“death row.”

Twit & Twoo

2008-03-10T09:00:00.002Z

After Farmer Dave's and Dr Dave's really bad Teat Owl joke this weekend I think we have a new nickname for them - Twit & Twoo

A message for the Welsh

2008-03-10T08:56:00.000Z

For all you Welsh people in the Bear Saturday evening !!

Thomo's Carbon Footprint

2008-03-10T07:58:00.004Z

After a recent environmental project it is understood that Pete Thompson intends to reduce his Carbon Footprint by eating less baked beans in Whelan's of a Saturday morning.

Spokesperson for Fiends of the Earth, Martin Broom commented

' I was prepared to hold the bottom of the ladder whilst activists climbed on Thomo's roof with banners. I am pleased to say this will not be necessary and we will now target Stuart ' Mr Methane' Norman'

Boss bans smelly undies

2008-03-01T18:18:00.000Z

The boss of a Wellington company has banned staff from coming into work with dirty underwear.

Rob Aplin said: "I am fed up with people with poor personal hygiene standards. I have now made it a sackable offence for people to come in without having a shower,- or with dirty underwear."

He has also banned staff from smelling after eating garlic or curry - warning that they need to make sure they brush their teeth - and use perfume and deodorant.

Mr Aplin, who runs a garage in Rockwell Green, sent out an official memo to all employees demanding they adopt good standards of personal hygiene especially in his garage lavatory where hideous smells are left regularly.

The memo warned all employees to make sure they brush their teeth, take showers regularly, flush the staff toilet and change their underpants every day.

He did not say how he would make sure his clean underpants rule was followed but warned it would be enforced.

Court bans crotch-grabbing

2008-02-29T17:58:00.004Z

The Italian supreme court has outlawed men from touching their genitals in public. Crotch-grabbing is an ancient superstitious habit in Italy that is believed to ward off the evil eye.

It's traditional for men to do it if passed by a hearse or when discussing serious illness or disasters.

However, the supreme court ruled that a 42-year-old man from Como had broken the law by "ostentatiously touching his genitals through his clothing".
His lawyers said he had a "compulsive, involuntary movement" because of uncomfortable overalls.

But the court ruled his behaviour was an "act contrary to public decency" and said the law "required everyone to abstain from conduct that is potentially offensive to collectively held feelings of decorum".

The man was fined £1520 and ordered to pay £760 in costs, reports the Daily Telegraph.

Judges pointed out that if men needed to grab their crotches, they should wait until they were in the privacy of their own home.

It is now understood that a local group of school teachers have cancelled their sky trip to Italy after hearing this news, and will be going to Poland instead.

104-year-old sprinter

2008-02-28T12:17:00.000Z

Bloody hell ! He is faster that most of the 3rd team

A 104-year-old South African man has set a new world record for the 100 metre race.
Phillip Rabinowitz, from Cape Town, is now officially the world's fastest centenarian sprinter, reports the Daily Mirror.

He finished the 100 metres in 30.86 seconds, knocking more than five seconds off the previous best.

It's not quite the 9.74 seconds set by Asafa Powell in 2007 but Phil is 80 years older than the world record holder.

Phillip said: "I've always run and walked everywhere because when I was a kid there weren't any cars."

Hulk, Bulk or Giant ?

2008-02-20T19:28:00.004Z

Yes you had better believe it!

Stuart Norman in fancy dress as the Incredible Hulk but does this character suit him. We would like to conduct a survey and ask the question:

Stuart Norman looks like the:

1...Incredible Hulk

2...Incredible Bulk

3...Jolly Green Giant

Answers to wivey3rds@hotmail.com

Moments of Love

2008-02-20T17:26:00.000Z

Wivey Studios production 'Moments of Love' is a 2007 romance film hailed as one of the best love stories ever made. The film's exceptional visuals and storytelling helped the movie to earn praises from movie critics. It is also been praised for its stunning musical scoring, with popular entertainers Bruce Keay and Martin Broome acting in the movie as well as singing the movie's themesong.

It is a classic romantic tale between two people and the story revolves around a strange attraction that begins when they first speak with each other. Together they fill the emptiness they have always known all their lives.

In a sleepy town, time curves for two people to meet and part. In the end, all that is left are their Moments of Love.

Rocky's top six signs that you are too drunk

2008-02-20T17:25:00.000Z

Here are Rocky's top ten signs that you are too drunk

1. You spent more time on the floor than you do standing up.
2. You can focus better with one eye closed.
3. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth.
4. You don't recognize your partner unless seen through bottom of glass.
5. The whole bar including Andy Ware greets you when you come in.
6. Mike Philips looks good.

Murder Most Foul ??

2008-02-19T20:23:00.001Z

Here we see a family gathering at Tony Lockyer's 50th birthday party with everyone in fancy dress. Food and karaoke was provided at Wivey Rugby Club for all present to eat and sing. Can you guess the fancy dress - Marilyn Monroe ? Gangster? Scotsman?

Well if you had heard them on karaoke Saturday evening you would have thought Marilyn Manson, Helvis Pressley, Dr Crippen and Ted Bundy was more appropriate the way several songs were murdered.

Martina Aplins Top 5 Signs That You May Be a Bad Driver

2008-02-19T17:38:00.005Z

I looks like Martina Aplin is now using the public transport after her recent car accident.

Here are Martina's Top 5 tips that you may be a bad driver

1. Every time your cell phone rings while you're putting on makeup, you spill your wine, drop your DS and drive up the rear of the car in front of you.

2. The other day, you ran right into the garage door -- and it was *up* at the time.

3. The Police have memorized your date of birth, licence number, home address, and car registration plate number.

4. You see more middle fingers than a manicurist.

5. You have a reserved parking space with your name on it outside the Magistrates Court.

Soldier returns from leave a woman

2008-02-10T14:29:00.000Z

An army officer called went on holiday leave - and came back as a woman called Jasmin.

Aparantly this is quite common for people taking leave or leaving HM Forces and can be blamed on stress of the war in places like Iraq and Afganistan

The 26-year-old captain took three months leave after complaining of stress, and had a sex change operation before returning to barracks.

Other officers and soldiers were reportedly shocked when Jasmin, whose full name has not been revealed by the army, came back.

But senior army staff have decided Jasmin can keep her old job and will not be demoted.

Defence Ministry officials have also accepted the decision by Jasmin, to have a sex change.

A press spokesperson for the MOD, said: "We accept this very personal decision."

A soldier at the barracks told the media: "Everybody has a weird feeling about it: a colleague leaving the building as a man and returning as a woman after his holiday is more than a bit strange. We will have to wait and see if this leads to problems."

Boy Gets Stuck In Mum's Handcuffs

2008-02-09T14:12:00.000Z

An boy from Lion D'anger had to be freed by firefighters after getting stuck in a pair of handcuffs he found in his mum's bedroom.

Firefighters took the schoolboy to Wivey Fire Station to be freed with industrial metal cutters.The cuffs were described as made of "hardened steel" and not meant as a toy, reports The Wivey News.

Firefighter Daryl Smith said: "The little boy came to the fire station with his grandmother and had the cuffs hanging from one wrist.

"Before we released him I asked if he was on the run from the police but he assured me he wasn't. And then his grandmother said he'd found the cuffs in his mother's bedroom.

"She immediately realised what she'd said and put her hand over her mouth. It's beyond my wildest imagination why someone would keep handcuffs in their bedroom!"

Wivey Ladies Latest Picture

2008-02-02T17:17:00.000Z

Puzzle

2008-02-01T14:41:00.000Z

Apparently last week in the Bear, Martin Broome said to his son Eggy: 'You know that jigsaw puzzle I was doing son? You will never guess - I've finished it and only took me 6 months! '

Eggy replied ' Well dad what's so good about 6 months ??? '

Martin Broome responded: 'on the box it said 3 to 6 years'