Bob the Bodger! "Can he f*** it?"

Wiveliscome TV have remade an episode of the classic kids series aimed at young children that originally followed the adventures of an odd-job man.Welcome to the world of Wivey's Bob the Bodger! With their chorus of "Can he f*** it?" "Yes, he can!" Bob and his loveable gang, drink together, laugh together, play together, quarrel and make up and just do their best to muddle through. Just like kids everywhere.



Their world is imaginative and filled with fun and adventure - a unique world of instruction mayhem and chaos, that comes complete with modern gadgets like mobile phones, remote controls and beer pumps!

In this episode we see the mischievous scarecrow "Spud" Piercey, who loiters around always up to no good, undermining the gang's hard work watching from his window when he ought to be helping.

The rest of the gang, Andy "Roley" Harvey, Del "Lofty" Evans, Heather "Dizzy" Harvey and Pete "Travis Tractor" Kirk remain at the refuelling depot looking after "bird"Tawny Owl in the cellar.

But between them, despite the mix ups, muddles and mayhem, buildings get built, constructions get constructed, and things get well and truly f****d...

Message from Juan Kerr

Buenos Dias Senor Bigun, Como estas?

My name ees Juan, Juan Kerr. I haf a llama farm. In my rugby team I am known a "Big Juan Kerr". I haf son. My son is known as "Little Juan Kerr". We leeve in a small village, known as Don Burros, in the mountains of Los Malvinas, the small islands near to thee beloved mother country of ARGENTINA! VIVA ARGENTINA!! VIVA LOS PUMAS !!!

I an known as big Juan, the rugby fan. I haf woman who ees known as "Little Rosita" (You may know her Indian cousin Minge) .

I like dog sheet on the rugby field! You do not know I am there until it ees too late, and thee damage ees done.

My son, little Juan ees surfing thee web. He find thee site of thee Wiveliscombe turds. I am so happy to find an Engleesh team who love thee rugby and also our four legged friends ! My team ees known as Los Llamashaggers of the Malvinas!

Tell me senor Bigun Un what ees a "big twat" and why is Senor Phileeps a "complete twat". When Senor Phileeps come to the Malvinas he go surfing waves and I see he haf big one to! Surfboard that ees. I haf thee photo of him to prove it.

He haf thee peenis of a penguin under thee wet suit, no?

I go now, leetle Jaun Keer he still surf on thee net. He mostly go on thee bad website from the country of Cymru near you. It ees full of thee pictures of Welesh men with thee sheep. Leetle Juan Kerr speek on thee net to Phil McCreviss from the Scot of land and he say thee women of the Welesh men must haf facees like thee beehind of the llama.

Adios, my engleesh amigo! Asta la vista!!


Big Juan

Dame Edna Broome

Here we see Martin Broome's impersonation, providing you with an incredible lookalike / soundalike tribute to Dame Edna for any occasion. He is available for private events and parties; corporate entertainment, marketing campaigns and product launches; as well as film, television, radio, and commercials. Many people suggest though that he should be incarcerated in a maximum-security twilight home for the insane with that hairdo.

Dame Steptoe is revered for his insights into Wivey rugby. When asked why Wivey 3rds have had a good season he commented "Good food and diet; open air life; alcohol; women and the total absence of any kind of intellectual distraction. Look at Mike Phillips for a start !"

Sir Lesley Colin Patterson is a Dame Steptoe Broomes alter ego. Lecherous and offensive, this farting, belching, nose-picking figure of excess is an Wiveliscombe Falstaff.

Affectionately known as "Worzel" 0r "Steptoe", he has served Wivey 3rds in many roles from hooker to flanker.His humour abounds in such a wide range of stereotypes. Let face it with hair like that you must have a sense of humour.

Wiveliscombe's Minister for Sport with special responsibility to keep sports rampantly heterosexual and "blokey" have commented " Dame Broome abstract girly hairstyle has caused us a few problems, but he still has hair unlike many other wivey 3rds team players."

Dame Broome is ably assisted by his Eggy Broome shown below.

I hear Eggy boasts of his prowess with women and his trips to Wellington's "rub and tug shops".

He jokes that "the best place to hide something from his a father is under a bar of soap". He also represents Wivey Colts, but I hasten to add not in court they get legal aid for that.

Wivey's rising wave of teenage drinking

Young people are drinking more now than they used to. Studies have shown that young people in Wivey are drinking more per drinking session and having more sessions per week than they did ten years ago.

Chief Inspector Dick Head of the Wiveliscombe Constabulary said "We are seizing increasing amounts of alcohol from underage people. We have powers to seize alcohol from young people, and we can dispose of it as we see fit when we get it home".

"It is illegal to sell alcohol to anyone under the age of 18, but more and more young people seem to be getting into trouble with their drinking.We're trying to educate people. However, we find that parents can sometimes be the problem. "

Youngsters in Wiveliscombe now look up to their role models Andy Ware, Stuart Norman and Daryl Smith. Drinking alcohol in moderation is not usually a problem. It can become a problem when heavy drinking and drunkenness become frequent and this style of use is continued into later life. Normally, as people get older, their responsibilities increase and their alcohol use goes down.


What amount is safe to drink? About two pints if your Mike Phillips at the Dinner and Dance !

According to the Department of Health men should not drink more than three to four units of alcohol a day, and women should drink no more than two to three. These benchmarks apply whether you drink every day, once or twice a week, or occasionally. Twice the recommended amount and beyond is classed as 'binge' drinking. Although national figures suggest that binge drinking is slightly in decline except in the Bear Wiveliscombe, it is very much on the rise among young people. The current licensing laws mean that people mean will have more hours to drink at pubs and clubs.

Crazy laws around the world

According to an ancient law, it’s OK to shoot a Welsh person with a bow and arrow – as long as you’re inside the city walls and it’s after 12pm. But where? Chester.

So if you’re Welsh - or even if you look it - watch your back late at night in Chester.

Comment:- Think this law should be extended to the rest of the country

Most places would arrest you for being drunk in possession of a car – but in Scotland extends this to being drunk in possession of a cow?

So don’t take your cow to the pub north of the border – however tempted you may be

Comment:- Never take the wife on a distilery holiday tour of Scotland

We’ve all heard of the fashion police – but in Australia is it actually illegal to wear bright pink trousers

In the Australian state of Victoria, don’t even think about donning a pair of “hot pink pants” outside - especially after midday on a Sunday.


Comment:- Jimmy avoid Australia for your next holiday

If your house is on fire but you’re peckish while you wait for the fire brigade, don’t have a snack in the US city of Chicago or you could be up for arrest. But which one?


It’s forbidden to eat in a place that’s on fire in the Windy City – so watch out next time you ask for a flame-grilled burger.

Antwerp has banned people from wearing a red hat and walking down the main street? (We can only guess it’s an attempt to improve its sartorial standing.)

So expect to see only blue, black, white, green, yellow or purple headwear on the streets of Antwerp (what about Santa?).



Comment:- Could Santa get down the Chimney?

Dinner and Dance Photos

Exclusive pictures from the aftermath of last weekends dinner and dance.

Mike Phillips was a bit hungry when he arrived home

Daryl Smith in his favourite room after a night out.

Martin Broome at work the next day.










Wivey Colts sleeping accommodation

Lookalikes

Al Boredo take hostages

Terrorist from the group Al Boredo fighting for longer school holidays for school teachers have kidnapped fifty women drivers from Wiveliscombe and taken them hostage. The man behind this plot are thought to be the terrorist group leader Burin Bastardedo, and his deputies El Span Kum and Tumuch Timeoff (Pictured below).


Chief Inspector Dick Head of the local constabulary warned these men are known to be dangerous and can bore a classroom unconscious in minutes.

A spokesman from this group demanded a 10 million pound ransom fee, longer school holidays, chocolate biscuits in the staffroom and for anyone caught calling them boring to face the ultimate punishment which is to be forced to live in Wales.

If their demands are not met they are threatening to release one women driver hostage every hour on the hour from noon tomorrow until the ransom money is paid.

Crocodile Aplin

We can now exclusively reveal that Rob Aplin has been participating in the Australian reality program I'm A Camper Get Me Out Of Here (IACGMOOH).

To pay for this trip he has apparently he been collecting together all his air miles acquired of a Saturday afternoon.

We understand that he did a ' Bushtucker Trial' eating crocodile and kangaroo but said his biggest challenge was being stuck for hours driving a car across Australia the morning after his mate Lawrence had eaten a strong curry and having to use the ' dunny ' after him.

Said Rob " My bushtucker trial was nothing really, remember I have food after a 3rd team game at the rugby club "

His next ' Bushtucker Challenge' will be to have more that 5 pints after a game on a Saturday and not turn into a jibbering romantic wreck.

Club-themed funeral for Portsmouth fans

An undertaker is offering Portsmouth football fans a club-themed funeral.

Part of the £1,795 package includes a coffin painted in the club's blue-and-white colours.
The funeral cortege drives past Pompey's Fratton Park ground and mourners the option of a wake at the stadium.

According to the funeral director Lee Fletcher, 36, said: "This is a modern option for loyal supporters and I think both of them will like the idea. Many fans have died of boredom watching Pompey , its more dangerous than being on the touchline of a Wivey Ladies game"

Local pompey fan Omar Rawlings is yet to make a comment.

Hand over wife to pay debt

A Romanian man has handed over his wife to a creditor as payment for his debts.

Emil Iancu, gave his wife Daniela to 72-year-old Jozef Justien Lostrie when he turned up on his doorstep to collect a £1,800 debt.

Iancu said: "I had no money to pay the debt and when I told Lostrie he said he would take my wife instead.I was scared of what he would do and so I signed a document saying Daniela would live with him."


But Daniela says the deal has proved better for her."Before I had to clean the house and look after our three children on my own, while Emil did nothing, but now I'm treated like a guest and hardly have to raise a finger," she said.

"I hear than many husbands in Wiveliscombe, England have tried to give away their wives to pay off debts but have instead had their debt cancelled and been piad money if they promise to keep them!"

Counting Pizza

Whilst in the Bear last weekend I observed Martin Broom ordering a large pizza to take home. He appeared to be alone and the bar staff asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6.

He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces. I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."

Dead Bird

During a stoppage in the Wellington game Mike Phillips shouted.... "Look at that dead bird!" All the Wellington forwards looked up at the sky and said..."where???"

The Good Samaritan

A Good Samaritan taxi driver who allowed three people injured in a car accident with a Wivey female driver to shelter from from the cold in his cab was left counting the cost - after emergency services destroyed the taxi to 'rescue' the trio.

Chinese cabbie Doin Me Lip Stick, 45, from Wiveliscombe said: 'They had a few cuts and bruises and I let them shelter in my cab. They looked worse than they were.

'I went off to look at the wreck and when the Wivey firemen turned up, they pulled out hydraulic metal cutters and sliced the side off the cab.'

'They said it meant they could get the people out without them having to bend too much, in case of neck injuries. They didn't realise they only had to open the door.'

The taxi driver is now in dispute with his insurance company, who do not believe his story over the reason for the repair bill.

Pimping At The Pink Punter Club

Are you fed up with trying your partner clothes on in secret? Are you on your own? If please come and join the Mike Phillips Pink Punters Club , Kingmead Close and meet other transsexuals with the same secret

Coming out! - In an ideal world this shouldn't be necessary, but if you decide to come out to your partner they can join the Pink Punters Club as well and accompany you to events and which will open a whole new exciting fun world for you.

Daryl's Domestic

After a conversation In the Bear on Saturday I would like to know if you think Daryl Smith should wash his own rugby kit?

1.Yes he should...................... 21%

2. No definitely not.................21%

3. He should forget about the rugby kit and wash his partners best bra and knickers that he's been wearing all week before she finds out ...................58%

Total Votes: 19

Breast Boosting Beer

European men are flocking to Bulgaria to buy 'breast-boosting beer' after EU accession led to customs duties on the drink being abolished.
The millet-ale called Boza which is made from fermented wheat flour and yeast is being snapped up by bar owners, shopkeepers and shoppers from across Europe.They are said to be keen for their wives and girlfriends to benefit from its reported ability to make breasts grow.

Austrian landlord Klaus Schmidt from a Austrian ski resort said he was planning another trip soon.

He added: "I got some Boza before but it was always so expensive once the tax was added. But now that's gone I'm going to start offering the drink to my après-ski customers. I first sold some to a party of School teachers from Taunton and Mr Thompson purchased a whole crate.He said it was for his wife and I could obviously see that he did not need it himself."

Wivey Fire Fighters Video

Wivey Fire engine recently attended a chimney fire at the Bear Inn . Upon arrival they were escorted by the bar staff to the biggest supply of water which was the beer in the cellar.

Hours later they emerged from the cellar and by that time the fire was already out and fortunately Andy Ware remained undisturbed

Breaking News!

There is a report that a 2 seater private plane has crashed into a cemetery near Wivey. The Wiveliscombe Fire engine is in attendance and firefighters have reported recovering over 300 bodies and are still digging

Ball Skills

Here we see Ross Porter showing the importance of ball skills as Charlotte Phillips jumps in the lineout to catch the ball.

When the number of times the ball is handled during a match is considered it would seem to be impossible to over-emphasize the importance of ball handling skills. Strangely, however, these skills are virtually ignored by most of Wivey 3rd team. This doesn't mean that they don't regularly use handling drills in their training sessions, of course. The problem is that the drills they use don't work. Handling doesn't just simply improve.

Good rugby players develop a mystical relationship with their balls. They all know what it will do. This is neither second-sight nor luck -- it is total familiarity! This approach also requires that you have sufficient balls to make sure everyone can participate

Test Driver

Pint sized Martini Aplin recently turned down the opportunity to become a test driver for Scalextric to become a trainee hairdresser.A spokesperson for Scalextric commented " We are very disappointed our models are getting more and more realistic and she would have been ideal for this position and as far as I know you can not be charged for being drunk in charge of a model car.

We are though still considering bringing out a stunt version of Scalextric which will be based on avoiding the extreme parking of female drivers in Wiveliscombe "

Wellington Hurricane Appeal

A major hurricane (Hurricane Rob) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter Scale hit Wellington in the early hours of Tuesday with its epicentre in Rockwell Green.The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa Del Sol were damaged beyond repair.

Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived. Welly FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Wellington

One resident - Tracy Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. The noise nearly made me crap in my knickers but then I remembered that I had left them in the toilet of the King Arms last night."

Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:

Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
Shell suits (female)
Clean overalls
Red trainers
Any other items usually sold in Primark..

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.Required foodstuffs include:

Microwave meals, Tins of baked beans, Ice cream, Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew. £2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9 and £5 buys B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms.

Please don't forward this to anyone living in Wellington - oh, sod it, they won't be able to read it, anyway.

New Bear Bar Staff

Rumours that Andy from the Bear was holding a recruitment drive for bar staff last Sunday are yet to be confirmed.

Interview panel Mr Evans and Mr Ware suggested the standard of applicant was very high after 8 pints of Eagle and that the applicants had bigger breasts and less facial hair than the present bar staff.(Apart from the landlord anyway !!)

Seriously well done to everyone from the town who ran three miles around the surrounding villages to raise money for Breast Cancer Care.

A barbecue was provided afterwards by The Bear Inn and enjoyed by all including Wivey Fire Brigade who were there in case of an emergency.

Crimewatch Appeal

Do you recognise anyone from this group photo taken by the local Police? If so please inform crimewatch@wivey3rds.co.uk immediately with details.

Please do not approach - Make sure that you don't become just another crime statistic.

Serious Scientific Research

A team of researchers are celebrating hardly at all following their recent discovery of "the most boring substance in the known universe".



Scientists have known for many years that some chemical elements possess far more interesting properties than others though it's only relatively recently that "hyper-tedious substances" have become the focus of serious scientific research.

Early attempts to synthesize such substances were hampered by the problem of containment: Exposure to just a few atoms can result in a lab technician not being arsed to finish the experiment.

These researchers claim this substance could spread like a virus and suggest that people are at most risk when in conversation with a publican , teacher or estate agent.

If you find yourself exposed to this risk Government advice is to protect yourself by changing the topic of conversation to much more interesting material such as sport , women or whatever currently happening on East Enders.

New Terrorist Laws

Anyone wanting to grow a beard or moustache will have to first obtain planning permission if new anti-terrorism legislation announced today becomes law.

Potential terrorists, yesterday

The strict new controls on facial hair are scheduled to come into force in Wiveliscombe, following the observation by an unnamed government minister that "terrorist chappies are a right bunch of hairy buggers, aren't they?"

Though critics have condemned the proposals as unfairly discriminating against even law abiding beardies, supporters of the move have pointed out that out that most goaties and taches look twatish any way

When and if the new legislation is introduced, it is believed that terrorist numbers will be kept to a minimum by the systematic turning down of all applications made by twats weirdos, loners and "persons of an ethnic persuasion".

Sheep Olympics

Following the success of the recent Wiveliscombe Young Farmers Sheep Olympics, the IOC is giving consideration for calls to make sheep shagging an official Olympic event.

Huw Chaser, head of the IOC steering committee and Welsh representative admitted that colleagues have been studying video tapes of the YFC event. Wivey YFC spokesperson & expert Alec Brand said, " With synchronised swimming and ballroom dancing now part of the Olympic curriculum, it may only be a matter of time before sheep shagging is recognised as a genuine sport".

GARDENERS WORLD. Is this picture proof that Martin Broome was seen working in Kingsmead Close last week?

Sad News About Beer

Yesterday Wivey scientists claimed that the results of a recent test had revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, and advised men should take a long hard look at their beer consumption. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.

To test the theory Thomo , Rocky , Jimmy Beale, Bruce Keay ,Daryl Smith and Mike Phillips were fed 8 pints of beer each within a one hour period.

It was then observed that they all gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, had to sit down while urinating, couldn't perform sexually, and refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned

Andy Ware's Comeback

Andy Ware's recent rugby comeback that lasted five minutes was blamed on passive coffee inhalation that sobered him up .

Recent research has revealed that many people are in danger of inhaling coffee vapours that often contain a lot of caffeine. Mr Mike Phillips a medical professional said "This is known as Second Hand Caffeine."
Andy is now try to get the Bear to set aside a "Non Caffeine Section" for those of us who don't want to suffer the effects of inhaling "Second Hand Caffeine." He claims that customers could unknowingly suffer from withdrawal the following day, even though they didn't drink any decaffeinated coffee!

This is a potentially serious health problem and should not be taken lightly. Contact your health professional if you believe you are at risk

Wivey Ladies Lates Opponents

We have been given an exclusive on Wivey ladies latest opponents, Mambie and Asato the Western Lowland Gorillas from Paignton Zoo.

Zoo spokesman Phil Knowling said: "They really have fun, but they can play rough. Their ball-juggling skills are pretty impressive, but they did bite each other and the ball occasionally, which is not generally considered good practice in a rugby game, but that's enough about Wivey ladies the gorillas behaved impeccable"

A Wivey ladies spokesperson commented " That it was unusual to play against anyone with hairier legs than most of the Wivey ladies three-quarters " and another has emailed me pointing out Asato the gorilla's resemblance to Stuart Norman.

Lethal Weapon

Tommy Acock can be seen under going therapy in Wivey rugby club after

recently attempting to run amok in the clubhouse with a loaded finger. Tommy later blamed it on the stress of being Wivey 3rds funny man and having to find new material every week. If you think that's stress Tommy just think we have to pretend your jokes are funny and laugh at them, now that's what we call stressful