Accident & Emergency

Wivey 3rds would like to send their best wishes to Andy Ware after his recent microsurgery.

We understand that Andy was rushed into hospital last week after Sarah noticed an unusual swelling late at night.

Dr Willie Finder a spokesperson for the hospital said ' After initial assessment we realized the hands on approach was not an option and called in the microsurgery team.'

Nurse Vi Agra who helped Andy complete his admission form commented ' The operation went and we would not expect anything otherwise due to Andy's Teetotal, non smoking healthy lifestyle'

Other Medical News

After breaking down at half time recently whilst refeering a match Pete Thompson visited his Doctor.

When his Doctor requested a urine sample Thomo handed over his underpants.

Mike 'Elmer Fudd' Phillips

The has been a rumour going around that Mike Phillips has actually managed to shoot a fox and a rabbit.



Today we can reveal that this rumour is true, but the taxidermnist threatened court action unless mike replaced his shop window.

'World's worst' e-fit sparks arrest

Ivor's Comment' I'm not sure they got the right Man'

Bolivian police managed to track down a man wanted for murder from what was described as the world's worst photo-fit.


Officials issued an appeal for help, and one neighbour drew a picture of what she believed the suspect looked like - though many other people have said her drawing resembles nothing more than the scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz.

The picture, more reminiscent of a child's school drawing than a piece of forensic evidence, consists of a pair of eyes, lopsided lips, a broomstick-shaped nose, and straight eyebrows topped with hair resembling a thatched roof.

What lies beneath?

Apparently the vast majority of Scotsmen still choose to wear nothing beneath their kilts, according to a survey out today.

A survey of men north of the border revealed that 69 per cent of kilt-wearers prefer to "go commando".

Of the remainder, 14 per cent said they wore boxers and 10 per cent chose briefs - with 7 per cent admitting to falling into the rather ambiguous "other" category. One man admitted wearing a thong with a Batman motif.



Researchers found that a large number of Scotsmen often made up their minds on the basis of how formal the occasion was. Many preferred to wear underwear for occasions such as weddings, while on less formal outings such as rugby matches they went without.

Do we think Ben is a thong man?

A natural move for an estate agent

The new Wookly Hole witch has inspired Bruce Keay to make his next career move.

This occurred after the new witch proclaimed “I am on top of the moon. This is a natural step up from my current job as an estate agent. You need witchy skills to sell houses at the moment.

We now hear that bruce is in secret negotiations to replace the present Basil Fawlty in Fawlty Towers.

'Being a right miserable grumpy git he should fit in well' said Lynn

It is understood that Max Green is also being lined up to be the next 'Manuel'

Swine flu-the facts

I called the Swine Flu hotline ... all I got was crackling.

I heard that the first symptom is that you come out in rashers.

Another is that you get the trotts.

But, I woke up with pig tails this morning ... Should I be worried?

The doctor asked me how long I'd had the symptoms of Swine Flu. I said it must have been about a Weeeeeeeeeeeeeek!

Apparently my mate's got Swine Flu, I think he's just telling porkies, though.

The only known cure for Swine Flu in humans has been found to be the liberal application of oinkment.

This little piggy went to market,
This little piggy stayed at home,
This little piggy had roast beef,
This little piggy had none.
And this little piggy had influenza A virus subtype hemagglutinin protein
1 neuraminidase protein 1

Swine flu, however, is not a problem for the pigs because they're all
going to be cured anyway.

News Flash .... this just in. The world's religious leaders have issued a
joint declaration that the Swine Flu pandemic is the start of the aporkalypse.

Swine flu has now mixed with bird flu. Scientists say they will find a cure when pigs fly.

I just heard on the news that, "Swine Flu could potentially be a threat to
every single person in the world". Well it's a good thing I'm married then, isn't it?

This is not a time for panic. It is no pig deal. It is a mild hamademic, don't believe the spam you're getting.

Half price on return flights to Mexico - it's not like you're comingback, is it?

You've got to hand it to the Mexicans. Even Osama Bin Laden didn't scare this many Americans.

DO NOT BE AFRAID OF SHINY, YELLOW BALL IN THE SKY, SAY EXPERT

A Wiveliscombe expert is urging people not to panic when a large, shiny yellow ball appears in the skies over Wivey this week.

Professor Stuart Norman , of the Institute for Studies, said: "It's natural to be afraid, but we are 99% certain that the shiny, yellow ball means us no harm.

"Our computer modelling suggests it will encourage plant growth and pollination, as well as leading to a significant increase in white wine, ice cream and nipples as women remove their brassieres in what we think will be some sort of sacrificial offering.

"Indeed I advise, young women to remove as much of their clothing as possible while the shiny ball is visible, otherwise it could kill them. It totally could."

Wiveliscome 3rd team and Daryl Smith are not encouraged to expose the 'Man Boobs' though.

Professor Norman added: "Don't waste your time trying to touch it because, as far as we have been able to determine, it is quite a long way away.

"Possibly as far away as the moon, or Bristol."

Transvestite cult baffles religious leaders

Religious leaders in India are baffled by a bizarre new transvestite cult in Wiveliscombe for men to live as a Hindu love goddess.



Thousands of devotees are now dressing up as Radha - the goddess lover of Krishna - like retired scarecrow Martin Broome, 41.

"I can't put it into words properly but I feel more holy dressed as a woman," said Broomena of New Delhi (The Restaurant).

"The Lord told me he wanted me as his bride and I won't ever have to worry about the CSA again."

But the cult has astonished traditional religious leaders.

Senior priest Mohammad Mustafa Phil Leeps said: "There are many ways to be closer to the Lord without trying to be his girlfriend - like my AK-47."

As the new Season approaches.........

...Give a good home to an old donkey

We are looking for a home for this old boy! We have taken him in, completely unhandled, to save him from having to go to the sale. He has great potential for a cart donkey, companion or even a riding donkey for a child.

He is heavy boned,and is around 48-52" at this time. I don't have a measuring stick big enough to accurately measure him. He is considered a rescue and is in dire need of a good home! We don't have the facilities to keep him for long but do not want him to go to the sale to end up unloved and unhandled. He is already enjoying his neck and ear rubs but will need a lot of work. He seems to do what he is told and gets used to his routines very quickly!

If you think you can help email saveadonkey@wivey3rds.co.uk

More Donkey's

Bruce has a very inquisitive nature and is always looking for things to play with. Recently he found an empty bucket and pushed it all around the yard with his nose, taking great delight in the noise he was making!







Jimmy is proving to be a very popular donkey and is beginning to enjoy all the attention he gets from visitors, who often admire his lovely, velvety grey coat! He has even started coming to the fence to meet the children. He continues to be as popular as ever in the riding arena, and giving rides to the children with special needs is something he is now very proud of!





Whilst practising long-reigning in anearby Park, we noticed that Pete was fascinated by the white lines marking out the rugby pitch. He was so intrigued, that he began to walk along the lines, refusing to go any other direction.








Mike enjoys the attention they get from the residents. They especially like the gardens of the homes as they can nibble the grass on the way out!

Mike always seems to enjoy himself - and we have discovered why. Recently he was seen staring intently at a large plasma screen television in the lounge of one of the residential homes. He would obviously be a television addict if given the opportunity!

Local Goverment Association's list of banned words

How's about this for utter nonsense? The Local Government Association has created a list of 200 words which shouldn't be used by councils. Hmmm.

Click here to see the list.

Apparently council staff should avoid using these words in order to communicate effectively. What do you think?

When the Wivey Lads Go To London Town

Mike Phillips Playing Golf

We understand that Mike is almost as good as golf as he is at rugby. Here the proof?

Obstruction in Silver Street

After a recent obstruction occurred in the road in Silver Street Martin Broome has suggested that the Government should supply jetpacks for the elderly.

This happened after a man from the bottom of Golden Hill on his mobility scooter had to avoid objects on the road and pavement in Silver Street .

This way they don't block the pavements and roads with those slow little machines that they have. This will reduce congestion so will be good for the environment. The elderly may have more fun in their life, more fun than bingo, and as there are no cars in the sky it will be much safer.

He said 'Soon everyone will want jetpacks and the world will be a better place.'

Breaking News

More news from our 'Wivey Today' section in tomorrows edition when we interview the Wivey Colts player who recently solved one side of the Rubick's Cube.

Wivey Fireman Fight Pig Flu

I hear that Wivey Firemen were sent into the Bear to combat a suspected case of pig flu. I understand from a source that the bar was cordoned off whilst Andy Priest ate all of the Pork scratching whilst Daryl Smith and Neil Higgins went down into the cellar after the Smokey Bacon crisps emerging hours later.

A Spokesperson for the Fire Service praised their bravery " We are concerned about possible side effects especially after the Mexican Chilli they all had at the weekend"

Health experts have suggested that another possible outbreak in Brompton Ralph appears to be the widely-known P19-Luv strain, for which there is no cure.

The farmer a member of Wivey Young Farmers, who runs the farm told officials that his pig had seemed fine two nights ago, but was keen to point out that he had never had sex with her.

Public Servants

"Give me a sentence about a public servant", asked Ben Parnell to one of his Bridgwater pupils.

The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."

Ben took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" he asked.

"Sure", said the young student confidently. "It means 'carrying a child'.

Fare Revenge

An man catches a taxi home one evening and the cabbie charges him almost double the usual fare and when he complains the driver becomes abusive.

The man resolves to get his revenge if he comes across this taxi driver again.

A week later the man goes to get a cab home and notices the driver from the week before is third in the taxi rank.He strolls up and gets in the first cab, once inside he tells the Nick Wickham that he doesn’t have any cash but if he takes him home he’ll give him a blow job. Nick goes mad and kicks him out of his cab.

The man now gets into the second cab and makes Flicky the same proposition: a blow job for a lift home. Flicky also refuses and kicks him out.

So now the man gets into the third taxi, the guy who ripped him off, and asks to be dropped a few blocks away.

As the cab drives off the smiles at Flicky and Nick and gives a big thumbs up…

Advice on Alcohol

Martin Aplin on the touchline at North Petherton with two twelve year old girls.


CHILDREN should not be given any alcohol before they turn 15, parents have been warned. Britain's chief medical officer Sir Liam Donaldson said yesterday that between the ages of 15 and 18 youngsters should drink no more than once a week and only then under strict adult supervision.

He advised that parents who let their children have the odd tipple could be putting them at risk of brain damage and depression, stunting their growth and can cause memory problems.

Some parents are known to give children as young as five alcohol at home. Many families believe alcohol at mealtimes can encourage a responsible attitude in older offspring.

But Sir Liam yesterday said this practice was misguided and "middle class". He said the advice, the first in Europe and possibly the world, was being issued to help clear up parental confusion on safe levels of childhood drinking.

'A lot of people ask me what is wrong with giving children a glass of pinot noir watered down from an early age,' he said

'There is an extremely strongly held belief among middle class parents that it must work'

'But there is no evidence either way. The danger of any misguided attempt to ply children with alcohol is that they get the taste for drinking.'

Lookalikes - Ben 'Henry' Parnell

Henry would not permit his photo to be used unless we allowed him to wear a disguise in case in went out in public and was mistaken for a teacher.

Binge drinking encouraged to beat recession

Martin Broome has called for pubs and clubs to stay open 24/7 to help the UK spend its way out of recession.


Speaking at the Wite Hart pub in Wiveliscombe he said "People drinking more alcohol will have a knock on effect in lots of ways, more money will be spent at the bar,which will lead to more jobs for council workers who will have to clean up vomit and urine from the streets, also hospitals will employ more staff in A&E. "

"The motor industry will also benifit as more drunks will crash their cars leading to an increase in new car sales."

Ben Thain's Computer Clinic

Is your computer running really slowly? Has it been infected by a virus or spyware? Viruses, adware, spyware, worms, hackers, scams, phisher attacks and the list reasons to worry goes on and on.

All these can be real threats so Wivey 3rds have teamed up with Ben Thain to offers hints and tips and general trouble-shooting along with some common questions with your computer.
Please email your questions to wivey3rds@hotmail.com or leave comments below:

So let's take a break and talk about some common questions that shouldn't worry you.

'My computer wont work'  - Mike Phillips, Kingsmed Close
Press the on / off  switch

'How do I email the Vicar' - M Boome, Silver Street
Dont bother your off to Hell anyway.

'Is internet shopping safe' - Anon, Wivey Ladies

Much safer than you driving to Taunton!

'I have been surfing internet porn and got a virus on this computer. How do I stop my mum from finding out?' - Anon. Wivey Under 15s
Don't worry you dad has been doing it as well!

'I have been surfing internet porn and got a virus on this computer. How do I stop my wife from finding out?' - Anon. Wivey 3rds
Blame it on your son !

'How do I sort out problems with my Excel Spreadsheet?' - Estate Agent, Wiveliscombe
Get a real job!

 'I have pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens.' - Kirtsy Bawden, Wivey Ladies
Thats the computer's mouse.

'Can you suggest a good website for me?' - M. Aplin, Church Street
http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/TravelAndTransport/Highwaycode/index.htm

And my dad?
http://www.caravanclub.co.uk/

'How can I upload pictures of my favorite sheep to my facebook account' - Jimmy, Wiveliscombe Young Farmers
You f*****g Sheepsagger

Stuart Norman - Alcohol, wonder cure for everything.

New cure all for the masses gets the thumbs up. In breaking news today it was revealed that alcohol was the answer to all the worlds problems.

Top Wiveliscombe expert Stuart Norman said today, "I have been trying to find all sorts of answers to all sorts of problems when I just had enough."

"I drank 5 cans of Stella Artois and nothing mattered anymore" continued Mr Norman.

His published results revealed that after 6 or more cans he became more handsome, women looked more attractive, he could drive much faster and became incredibly hilarious.

Side effects also noted included a tendancy for violence, extreme nausea and the smell of stale piss.

"The side effects, although extreme, can be easily removed by another session on the lash."

Mike & Jackie Phillips recent skiing trip

We have exclusive pictures below of Mike & Jackie Phillips recent skiing trip.

Mike remarked they are taking the piste, "By the time I learned to stand up, I couldn't sit down."

Standard Assessment Tests (SATs) are too difficult

Standard Assessment Tests (SATs) are too difficult, say Britain's teachers,
who struggle to mark the papers.



The national union has called for the scrapping of all exams for children under 10 because of the pressure they put on teachers. Its got so bad that some teachers might have to cancel one of their skiing trips!

"We really struggle to mark the exams, because we don't have the time and don't know the answers. " said teaching spokesperson Ivan O'Level.

" When we went to school, no one corrected our spelling, made us do our homework or taught us to add up without using our fingers, so why should we be expected to know the answers to these exams?

"How can we mark the papers if we don't know what marks to give? Not only that, we struggle to add up the number of questions the children have got right."

Ted Todd, a junior minister at the Department for Children, Schools and Families, said it is a disgrace that teachers are not clever enough to teach children. "Something should be done," he said, "to ensure that today's children do not grow up to be tomorrow's stupid and uneducated teachers."

Church Expulsion

Martin 'Steptoe' Broome was thrown out of church during this year Christmas Eve might mass service. After interrupting the Vicar sermon and lecturing him on charity begins at home and unmarried mothers, Martin was escorted out the St Andrews door.



We can not fully understand why he was in the church whilst the pub were open - Perhaps he was planning a wedding?

When questioned about the incident he commented " I hear hell is like cross between Pete Thompson's classroom and my toilet after Graham's been in there, but at least its warm this time of year"


Ivor's Comment:

A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.

She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!"


The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Man, I'm on the wrong bus!"

New Year's Honours list leaked

A Buckingham palace spokesman was said to be livid that news of some of this year's New Year Honour recipients had leaked out. The spokesman was said to be especially incensed as he had intended selling it to the Sun himself tomorrow.


The list, full of OBEs (Other Buggers Efforts), MBEs (May Be Essential) and assorted new Lord and Lady honours, recognizes the true worth of many people who are generally too useless to be awarded anything else.

Some of the names appearing on the leaked list this year included:

*Tommy Acock for services to comedy.

*Andy Priest for his contribution to his bank account.

*Benji Stevens for managing to avoid pushing the the scrums for the last twenty five years.

*Fyffes News for helping the public save money with their special 52-week sale

*Mike Phillips for demonstrating that even people who have the IQ of a telegraph pole can get on in life.

*Wivey Ladies for their contribution to 'This is why we should ban karaoke' appeal

Prime Minister Gordon Brown was said to also be a little miffed, especially as the misplaced names weren't on a disk or hard drive and weren't lost by a government department. He said that it was the Government's responsibility to be careless with names and personal details, not the Royal Household's.

Estate Agents Repossessed

Tens of thousands of estate agents have lost their jobs since the start of the credit crunch, according to pointless research which highlights how the housing crash has wreaked misery across the economy.

Up to 80,000 of estate agents that were ripping of first time buyers & buy to let investors eighteen months ago are now eating economy beans & less fillet mignons since they were made unemployed due to the downturn.

Out of work estate agents have also been seen tramping the streets of Wiveliscombe making valuations of all the best begging spots & showing bottom end clients round bijou skips & bespoke cardboard boxes.

In a survey homeowners with crippling mortgages said that although they may lose their homes the fact that so many estate agents were now in the gutter made the pain easier to bear. "Every cloud has a silver lining" was the general consensus across the board.

Bampton Mother

A single mother from Bampton went into the  Jobcentre Plus to ask for help. The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"


"Ten," she replied.

"What are their names?" he asked.

"David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David and David," she answered.

"They're all named David?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?"

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'David,' and they all come running in."

"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"

"I just say, 'David, come eat your dinner'," she answered.

"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"

YMCA - School announces new head

TAUNTON School deputy headmaster Jimmy Beale is to become head of Taunton Prep School.

He will replace Michael Anderson in January 2010 after ten years at the helm.

Mr Beale is already involved in the prep school as a parent, RE teacher and rugby referee.

He is a former police constable in Plymouth, but turned to teaching in 1992 He said: “Taunton Prep School is an amazing place - it gives confidence and structure to the young in an incredibly positive and supportive environment.

“The education is inspirational and teachers have a passion for ensuring that the journey and educational transition from very little to more mature is smooth and rewarding.”

Mr Anderson said it would be a “great wrench” leaving after ten years.

“There is so much that I will miss,” he added.

“Jimmy will work with the excellent staff to ensure that the School moves forward in a dynamic and exciting way without losing its essential ethos.”

Taunton School headmaster Dr John Newton said: “Michael retires after bringing the school to national recognition for its arts, sport and quality of teaching and learning.

“He will be sadly missed - his wisdom, calm and wonderful humour have all been deeply appreciated.”