I'd do anything

Here we see Ben Parnell at the BBC auditioning for the role of Nancy and one three youthful proteges to play orphaned urchin Oliver in the new Cameron Mackintosh forthcoming West End production of Oliver!

It is not known whether he tried out for the part of Oliver or just wanted to be a Nancy .

Unfortunately he did not get the callback and was recommended by the panel for the part of the Tin Man in Wivey's production of The Wizard of Oz.

When are school holidays in England?

The British academic year runs from September to July.


Schools are open for 195 days each school year.

English schools have 3 terms, separated by holidays.

The school year is 39 weeks long and is divided into three terms:

• Term 1 - September to October (followed by a one week holiday),October to December (followed by a two week holiday)
  
• Term 2 - January to February (followed by a one week holiday), February to March (followed by a two week holiday)
  
• Term 3 - April to May (followed by a one week holiday). June to July (followed by a six week summer holiday)
  

Who decides the dates of the School terms and holidays for these lazy b******ds?

A state-of-the-art watch?

A rather confident 007 strolled into a bar and took a seat next to a stunningly attractive woman. He gave her a quick glance, then casually looked at his watch for a moment.

Noticing his actions, the woman next to him asked, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replied, "Q's just given me this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

Intrigued by his words the woman replied, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"Well you see," said Bond, "it uses Alpha waves to telepathically talk to me."

"I see," said the woman, "and what's it telling you now?"

"It says you're not wearing any knickers..." came the reply.

The woman giggled and replied, "Well it must be broken because I'm afraid I'm wearing knickers!"

007 tutted, tapped his watch and said, "Damn thing must be an hour fast!"

Guys & Their Games

Here are the facts, ladies. Two-thirds of all men in television-owning households between the ages of 18 and 34 have videogame consoles, according to media research company, Nielsen. That means your chances of going with a gaming guy are pretty high. What can his choice of gaming system tell you about him? We convened a panel of experts to give you the scoop:

What does a PlayStation reveal about a bloke?
This is your 21st-century individual who enjoys gaming and demands the best out of his experience—and probably his women. The PS3 guy enjoys life to its fullest. He is sophisticated, intelligent, enjoys competition and is willing to wait for a good thing. He is loyal as well.

What does a Wii tell a woman about her potential date?
The Wii-mote will force him to get up off the couch and actually get a little exercise while he’s playing. Of all of the consoles, the Wii is probably the best date machine, as a lot more of the games appeal to both sexes. Challenge him to a game of tennis or bowling.

And what does the Xbox divulge about its owner?
There is a wide variety of games available through the Xbox 360... so one may be better able to find games in common with a significant other who may not be an avid gamer. Preferring the Xbox 360 may say that the owner is willing to play cooperatively.

Of course, these expert opinions won’t apply to all men who own these consoles, so don’t consider them absolutes. But they should help you gain some solid clues about that videogame-playing guy you’re seeing.

A spokeswoman for Wivey ladies commented "We prefer men that play with balls and if you've watched Wivey 3rds, then you have seen men that play with their balls together"

On The Pull In Wellington

Wiveliscombe Will Send Reinforcements

An Australian mayor has landed himself in hot water after making an ill-advised plea for ugly women, subtly illustrated here by a bearded lady, to move to a remote mining town where men outnumber women by a ratio of five to one.

John Molony, the mayor of Mount Isa, found himself under attack after the suggestion that telling a local newspaper "with five blokes to every girl, may I suggest that beauty-disadvantaged women should proceed to Mount Isa" reports Reuters.

Mayor Molony has refused to apologise for his comments and added that, in a testosterone-laden town famous for cowboys and mining, he was simply “telling it like it is”.

However, the situation may not be quite as dire as Molony noted. The Associated Press reports that, according to the 2006 census, men make up 52.6 percent of Mount Isa’s population of nearly 20,000

Builders bungle train tunnel

Bungling engineers have been left red-faced after building a railway tunnel that's too small for trains to actually fit through.

The costly mistake was only discovered when inspectors measured the finished tunnel in the Polish capital, Warsaw, and realised the roof was so low that no trains would get under it.

Rail bosses claim the mix-up happened because workers who were laying new tracks didn't talk to the team that was building the tunnel.

"During work on the tunnel, tracks were laid down on newly-raised ground which meant the distance between the tracks and roof of the tunnel became shorter," said Polish Railways spokesman Marta Szklarek.

Wiveliscombe Representative of ARD (Association of Road Diggers) Mr Sharland commented

'I went to Poland last year to discuss how best we could delay traffic across Europe using Taunton as a template. After long talks with Hans Onmeknob I went to advise the poles how to lean on a shovel, drinking coffee whilst traffic backed up.

The cock-up is the latest in a series of public transport construction fiascoes in Poland.

A tunnel built recently to divert lorry traffic in Warsaw turned out to be too low for lorries.

Aplin's win Dunster Castle Tickets

It appeas that Rob and Monica Aplin have gone a bit over the top after wining free tickets to Dunster Castle in the Wiveliscombe Rugby Club Fete Grand Draw.

It was suggested that he was dressed up as St George but I am not brave enough to say what that makes Monica..........

Divorce

A man is being divorced by his wife after his penis extension snapped off during sex.

Doctors in Voronezh, southern Russia, had fitted the special prosthetic when Grigory Toporov, 47, told them he didn't measure up to his wife's expectations in the bedroom.But she was horrified when the extension broke off during a wild sex session.

"I told her I would get a new one but she wasn't having any of it. She said she was fed up with my failures in bed and wants a divorce," said Toporov.

His wife is now moving to Wellington, Somerset UK affter she heard a lot of big pricks live there.

Prayboy

Is this Thomo's reading material?

Speaking Clock

I hear that Matt Ellis had the colts round his house last week late one night, and led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.

"What's that big brass gong for?" Graham Broome asked.

"Why, that's the talking clock" Matt replied.

"How does it work?" asked Toby West. "Watch", Matt said, giving it an ear-shattering pound with a hammer.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "For fuck sake, you wanker, it's 2am in the fucking morning!!"

The most bizarre transfers

Will anyone take Baz for a packet of peanuts??

The most bizarre transfers

Name: Ernie Blenkinsop

Transfer route: Cudworth to Hull

Year: 1921

'Fee': £200 and 80 pints of ale

Ok, so money was used here, but only as a sweetener to off-set the taste of bitter. Not that anyone in Cudworth, a village in South Yorkshire, needed any cheering up at the time.

It's not known whether the vast quantity of ale was shared among the inhabitants or simply guzzled by a sole, alcoholic director.

Blenkinsop wasn't too bothered either way, he went on to become England captain and a Sheffield Wednesday legend.

Inflatable sparks Clatworthy rescue

A major air search at Clatworthy Reservoir was called off - when two inflatable sheep were found. An RAF rescue helicopter and the Wivey Fire Engine were called out after a member of the public reported someone struggling in the water.

Fortunately after closer inspection emergency services only found two 3ft inflatable sheep, reports the Wivey Mirror. However, Wiveliscombe Fire Fighter Daryl Smith thought he recognized the object in the water as a balloon that he had purchased at Wivey Rugby Club Fete.

Daryl commented " I paid good money for that balloon and was going to let it go to waste and return the ticket if I could. At least the two inflatable sheep are doing well and recovering at Wivey Fire Station."

As we go to press though reports suggest the two inflatable sheep concerned have gone missing from Wivey Fire Station...........................

Miracle Cure

Insomniacs across Taunton Deane have had the first nights sleep in a long time after receiving a miracle cure. This occurrence coincided with Chester Locke appearance on the radio talking about his life story and forthcoming wedding in September.

One insomniac from Lion d'angers, Wivelisombe commented

"I even went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. He gave me a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with me, and then told me that if I ever expect to cure my insomnia, I just have to stop taking my troubles to bed with me"

I know, I said, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone."

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Anaesthetist
4. Cinnamon
5. Chrysanthemum

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Specificity
2. Rhipidistian-Amphibian Transition
3. Anti-constitutionalistically
4. Transubstantiate
5. Sphygmomanometer

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

01. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex. (Wivey Colts)
02. Nope, no more booze for me. (Andy Ware)
03. Sorry, but you're not really my type. (Martin Broome)
04. Mac Donalds? No thanks, I'm not hungry. (Stuart Norman)
05. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight? (Rock)
06. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing karaoke. (Wivey Ladies)
07. I'm not interested in fighting you. (Mike Philips)
08. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool. (Rob Aplin)
09. Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to hurl in the street. (Daryl Smith)
10. I must be going home now as I have work in the morning. (Bloody Lying School Teachers)

Michael Eavis: Glastonbury Goers Are Too Old

Michael Eavis believes that there were too many old people at this year’s Glastobury Festival.
The farmer wants to attract a younger audience to the Worthy Farm extravaganza, saying that the 2007 crowd was too “middle-class” and too “respectable.”


He told the Metro: “We’re trying to get the youngsters back – the 16, 17 and 18 year-olds - because numbers were down this year. People say we’re getting middle class, which is stretching it a bit far, but we’re attracting a lot more people in their 30s and 40s.”

Mr Eavis continued: “These kids add so much to the flavour of it and should have a lot of fun but we’re getting the 30 and 40-year-olds in, which changes the character of it.
"The demographic is changing and it’s slightly worrying. We might lose the fascination the show has for the public.

"The people who now come have the right attitude, they grin and bear the mud. They’re fantastically well mannered and polite, and respectable, but they do change the nature of the show."

However, Eavis admitted that the problem was partly Glastonbury’s fault with the complicated ticketing system they employ.

He added that internet users are "likely to be older people, with the money for the fast connections.




"By selling 40% of tickets through phone lines, kids will be able to use their mobile phones to get tickets."

Ode to Martin Broome

Positive proof that Martin Broome does do some work:

I'm the farmer's scarecrow, I scare away the birds,

I keep the farmer's corn safe without any words.

But when Halloween comes I jump out of the ground

And scare the boys and girls when they come walking 'round.

Binge drinking adults 'are normal'

Many children think adults who binge drink are behaving normally, according to a new survey. The study questioned 15 seventeen to 50 year-old children who play for Wiveliscombe 3rd team about their perceptions of adult alcohol consumption

A third questioned by researchers said they believed five or more glasses of wine in one night was normal for adults. More than a quarter of children thought drinking four pints of beer in an evening was usual. 60% told researchers people drink alcohol to forget about their problems.

Stephen Burgess, National Director of Life Education said: "As educationalists, health workers, the media, advertisers or simply parents we must take these results seriously and consider carefully the messages we are sending out.

"We need to look at what role models we wish to provide and to make sure children understand that a healthy life does not involve excessive drinking, unless your a school teacher on an inset day"

Last month it emerged more than one of these children are seen in hospital at least five days a week and others on a regular basis with alcohol-related problems. For example: returning home pissed to their wives and partners. .

First photos of uncontacted tribe

Painted warriors from one of Brazil's last uncontacted tribes have been photographed for the first time.

They were spotted in Brazil's far western Amazon jungle near the Peruvian border.

The photos were taken on flights over the Ethno-Environmental Protected Area along the Envira River in the remote Acre state, the National Indian Foundation or Funai said.

The photos show "strong and healthy" warriors, six huts and a large planted area. It is not known to which tribe they belong but they are thought to be related to the Aplin and Lockyer families.

Funai does not make contact with the Indians and prevents invasions of their land, to ensure total autonomy for the isolated tribes, Funai said.

"We did the overflight to show tribe's houses, to show they are there, to show they exist," said Mr Meirelles.

"This is very important because there are some who doubt their existence."

UK based charity Survival International said the Indians are in danger from illegal logging in Peru.

This is driving uncontacted tribes over the border and could lead to conflict with the estimated 500 uncontacted Indians now living on the Brazilian side.

There are more than 100 uncontacted tribes worldwide, most of them in Brazil and Peru or Wellington, the group said.

Survival director Stephen Corry called for their territory to be protected by international law.

Wivey And North Kingsmead Expeditionary Regiment

In the above video we can see the Wivey And North Kingsmead Expeditionary Regiment training on the West Somerset coastline. This unit or WANKER's as they are more commonly known have been put through their paces by former Marines Omar Rawlings and Delwyn Evans.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q5sHcXRec_I

Once fully active this unit Will be sent to do peace keeping duties in Kingsmead Close and The Square as well as sheep protection at Brompton Ralph.

Next Years Eurovision Song Contest result announced ahead of event

The result of next years Eurovision Song Contest has been announced ahead of the competition being held, with the winning song from the UK gaining the highest number of 12 point votes.

"I wear the trousers", to be sung by Wivey Ladies representing the UK, will sweep the boards at this year's event, despite the block voting that will occur from former Communist Russian states.

The song which will come second,"Flump Phat Pharg", sung by a goat herder from Mont Blanc, accompanied by an orchestra comprised solely of black-headed seagulls , will be only 32 votes behind.

An ecstatic Sir Terrence of Woganshire takes up the story:

"I genuinely think both the mummified group of lute musicians from Pompei who are representing Italy with "My alphabeti spaghetti" and the bicycle representing Malta may do better.

"I also feel the entry from Afganistan is a little out of place, and "Boom Bang a Bang" by Osama and the Tallytubbies is frankly in very bad taste."

Stamping down on crime

A Wivey shopkeeper has been warned that he could be jailed for his unusual way of dealing with shoplifters.He said police were doing little to prevent shoplifters targeting his shop so he told thieves he'd call the police unless they gave him one of their shoes.

But police told him his punishment counted as robbery, whereas shoplifting was merely a misdemeanour.

"I give them the choice. I say, 'I'm either going to call the cops or you give me one of your shoes'," Mr Milton Fyffe told The Wivey Mirror.

"They're too humiliated to come back and ask for their shoe, and that also means they won't steal again."

But PC Dick Head of Wivey Constabulary said: "I would suggest that he find a different option that doesn't involve giving up property. "What's the difference between him saying, 'Give me £20 and I won't call the police' or 'Give me your shoe?'"

Mr Milton Fyffe has denied having a shoe fetish and has reluctantly agreed to abide by the police warning: "It was a good try, but I'll have to figure something else out," he said.

BID - Balamory is Disturbing

CBeebies programme Balamory has been switched to Channel 4 and will now be aired at 10.00pm after complaints from concerned parents that it was disturbing.

The fictional fishing village has what can only be described as having alternative characters.


Spokesperson for BID (Balamory is Disturbing) James Beale said 'I was shocked when I came home from work to see my children watching this programme as to be blunt; it scared the shit out of me. If that's not the Wicker Man then I don't know what is?'

Beale continued, 'From what I saw, you have a chap who resides in a pink castle and makes inventions out of everyday objects, a policeman who does pirouettes and sings and a school teacher who is just plain weird. It's all well and good having a copper singing and dancing but I bet crime is through the bloody roof, it's the stuff of nightmares.

'I myself grew up watching the likes of Mr Benn, Sesame Street and Finger bobs. What next will they show? The Chainsaw Children and the Hillbilly Bastard clan? It's all wrong I tell you.'

Ivor Comment: Sounds a bit like Wivey to me !

Bristol City Fans To Abandon Singing Cider Songs

Fans of Bristol City, the Championship playoff losers, have vowed to stop singing stupid cider songs as a way of inspiring their team, and of drowning their sorrows after huge defeats.

Bristol lost 1-0 at the hands of far superior Hull City in the Wembley final last Saturday, and must start the new campaign in August back in the Championship, enduring another season along with the likes of Doncaster Rovers, who, at least, know how to win at the Twin Towers.

Their inability to get past Hull will now cost them £60million.


The Robins fans, who had expected as much, came armed with a full complement of Cider Songs, including Coider Rosie, and The Wurzels top ten hit, I Am A Coider Drinker (Oo ar oo ar ay, oo ar oo ar ay), as well as their self-penned anthem I'm Dozy And Blathered - Give Me Another Coider.

When Hull fans laughed uncontrollably at this West Country cacaphony, however, the sad Bristolians fell silent, and having failed to console themselves, trudged off back to Avon with their tails and pitchforks between their legs.

Robins fan, John Figgis, 21, who had a piece of straw sticking out of his mouth, said:

"Oo ar, oo ar. Them coider songs didn't do us much good, did them?"

Wivey 3rds Late Night Out Last Saturday

Last of The Summer Whine

Wivey TV are to reamake an episode of the whimsical comedy with a penchant for light philosophy and full-on slapstick, that first run following the misadventures of three elderly friends and their mates tramping around the countryside.

The cast include Pete 'Foggy' Thompson; flat cap-wearing voice-of-reason Ben 'Cleggy' Parnell, a scruffy hormone-riddled layabout Martin 'Compo' Broome, Bruce 'Smiler' Keay and Mike 'Eli' Phillips.

In a world where men are just over-grown kids, the authority figures come in the shape of some of Wivey's most formidable women. There will be casting for the physically intimidating tea shop owner Ivy, and Nora Batty, with her wrinkled stockings and hair curlers, she's both a bogeyman figure curtailing the trio's fun and became an unlikely lust object for Compo.

'Compo Simonite'

Lunt villagers sick of graffiti

A campaign has been launched in the historic village of Lunt to change its name because vandals keep defacing road signs.The not-so-witty pranksters constantly change the village's name to an extremely rude swear word, reports the Daily Telegraph.

However, the proposal is dividing villagers in the Merseyside community who say they should not have to give up a name that has been around since the 13th century.

Martyn Ball, a retired police officer and prospective Conservative councillor, is urging residents to support the move because he is fed up with the graffiti which greets visitors to the village.
He said: "We are all painfully aware of the repeated times our village sign is defaced by mindless yobs who change the L to a C.

After an appeal for information on Crimewatch, hundreds of viewers phoned in to name Mike Phillips as the biggest Lunt.

David Roughley, whose family has farmed in Lunt since 1851, added: "At the end of the day we live in Lunt and we don't want to change because of a few yobs. It is the vandals who should change, not the village. It could be worse, we could be called Twatt!"

The State of the Country !

Message On The M5

It has been suggested to me that it was Richard Peircey who was driving this lorry up the M5 this morning.

Man 'Targeted By Green Aliens' Sent To Asylum

A Wiveliscombe man whose home has been hit an incredible five times by meteorites believes he is being targeted by aliens.



Experts are now investigating local magnetic fields to try and work out what makes him so attractive to big green men.

But Mr F, who has had a steel girder reinforced door and roof put on the house he rents has an alternative explanation.


He said: "I am obviously being targeted by extraterrestrials. I don't know what I have done to annoy them but there is no other explanation that makes sense. The chance of being hit by a meteorite is so small that getting hit five times has to be deliberate.

The strikes always happen when the pubs close and it is raining heavily, never when there are clear skies.He said: "I did not know what the strange-looking creatures were at first but I am being targeted by aliens. They are playing games with me. I don't know why they are doing this. When it rains I can't sleep for worrying about another strike."