The result of next years Eurovision Song Contest has been announced ahead of the competition being held, with the winning song from the UK gaining the highest number of 12 point votes.
"I wear the trousers", to be sung by Wivey Ladies representing the UK, will sweep the boards at this year's event, despite the block voting that will occur from former Communist Russian states.
The song which will come second,"Flump Phat Pharg", sung by a goat herder from Mont Blanc, accompanied by an orchestra comprised solely of black-headed seagulls , will be only 32 votes behind.
An ecstatic Sir Terrence of Woganshire takes up the story:
"I genuinely think both the mummified group of lute musicians from Pompei who are representing Italy with "My alphabeti spaghetti" and the bicycle representing Malta may do better.
"I also feel the entry from Afganistan is a little out of place, and "Boom Bang a Bang" by Osama and the Tallytubbies is frankly in very bad taste."