Wednesday, 31 December 2008

New Year's Honours list leaked

A Buckingham palace spokesman was said to be livid that news of some of this year's New Year Honour recipients had leaked out. The spokesman was said to be especially incensed as he had intended selling it to the Sun himself tomorrow.

The list, full of OBEs (Other Buggers Efforts), MBEs (May Be Essential) and assorted new Lord and Lady honours, recognizes the true worth of many people who are generally too useless to be awarded anything else.

Some of the names appearing on the leaked list this year included:

*Tommy Acock for services to comedy.

*Andy Priest for his contribution to his bank account.

*Benji Stevens for managing to avoid pushing the the scrums for the last twenty five years.

*Fyffes News for helping the public save money with their special 52-week sale

*Mike Phillips for demonstrating that even people who have the IQ of a telegraph pole can get on in life.

*Wivey Ladies for their contribution to 'This is why we should ban karaoke' appeal

Prime Minister Gordon Brown was said to also be a little miffed, especially as the misplaced names weren't on a disk or hard drive and weren't lost by a government department. He said that it was the Government's responsibility to be careless with names and personal details, not the Royal Household's.

Estate Agents Repossessed

Tens of thousands of estate agents have lost their jobs since the start of the credit crunch, according to pointless research which highlights how the housing crash has wreaked misery across the economy.

Up to 80,000 of estate agents that were ripping of first time buyers & buy to let investors eighteen months ago are now eating economy beans & less fillet mignons since they were made unemployed due to the downturn.

Out of work estate agents have also been seen tramping the streets of Wiveliscombe making valuations of all the best begging spots & showing bottom end clients round bijou skips & bespoke cardboard boxes.

In a survey homeowners with crippling mortgages said that although they may lose their homes the fact that so many estate agents were now in the gutter made the pain easier to bear. "Every cloud has a silver lining" was the general consensus across the board.

Friday, 26 December 2008

Bampton Mother

A single mother from Bampton went into the  Jobcentre Plus to ask for help. The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"

"Ten," she replied.

"What are their names?" he asked.

"David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David and David," she answered.

"They're all named David?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?"

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'David,' and they all come running in."

"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"

"I just say, 'David, come eat your dinner'," she answered.

"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"

Saturday, 20 December 2008

YMCA - School announces new head

TAUNTON School deputy headmaster Jimmy Beale is to become head of Taunton Prep School.

He will replace Michael Anderson in January 2010 after ten years at the helm.

Mr Beale is already involved in the prep school as a parent, RE teacher and rugby referee.

He is a former police constable in Plymouth, but turned to teaching in 1992 He said: “Taunton Prep School is an amazing place - it gives confidence and structure to the young in an incredibly positive and supportive environment.

“The education is inspirational and teachers have a passion for ensuring that the journey and educational transition from very little to more mature is smooth and rewarding.”

Mr Anderson said it would be a “great wrench” leaving after ten years.

“There is so much that I will miss,” he added.

“Jimmy will work with the excellent staff to ensure that the School moves forward in a dynamic and exciting way without losing its essential ethos.”

Taunton School headmaster Dr John Newton said: “Michael retires after bringing the school to national recognition for its arts, sport and quality of teaching and learning.

“He will be sadly missed - his wisdom, calm and wonderful humour have all been deeply appreciated.”