Monday, 23 July 2007

New 3rd Team Captain

At last weeks AGM Rob Aplin was officially confirmed as 3rd team captain for next season with Mike Phillips his vice captain (Both shown above). Rob's experience includes captaining the coin operated boats at Bude Caravan Park.

It is also believed that Mike Phillips ancestors captained the Spanish Armada and the Titanic. Mike claims to know the difference between an iceberg in the sea and a Rock on a rugby field - The iceberg moves faster !

Former 3rd team captain Peter Thompson who went to watch the Titanic leave port in 1912 but missed it because he had to be home by 7.30pm welcomed the news of Rob and Mike's appointment.

Hard working school teacher Thomo (His words not mine!) wished Rob and Mike his best wishes for the forthcoming season and then went on about how much teachers deserve their long school holidays.

What about all those INSET days as well, more like " In The Pub days "

Wivey secret superhero Bananaman speaking on behalf of the Wivey 3rds fan club commented " Credit to Rob and Mike but they are no Ivor Biggun."

"Like Bananaman, Ivor has great superpowers and he has the ‘equipment' of an elephant unike Mike an Rob - yeah, I looked in the showers once - but you should really ask Catwoman if you want the down and dirté on that aspect of his superpower. I'll say no more…"

Saturday, 21 July 2007

Most young people in Wivey spend their lives drunk.

Figures published today have shown that most 17-25 year olds in Wivey spend their lives drunk.

"This is a terrible state of affairs", said a young person spokesperson Andy Ware. "I remember the days when I spent the weekend whacked off my brain on other things apart from just alcohol. I think they are mad to put all their eggs in one basket. They should try to spread their substance abuse about a bit more to prevent addiction to one thing."

Doctors have said that the rise in alcopops and sweet cider encourage young people to drink. A spokesman for the campaign for under age drinking tried to tell us that this was rubbish but instead told us that we were his best mates and would we like some of his kebab.

After presenting the picture above as evidence to Macyla Aplin she claimed

"Well they do say I take after my father! And I'm not admitting to being a lightweight, I just had a hard game that day!"

Here we see Martina Aplin using the latest youth drinking accessory. This useful drink and sickness spilage device can be used to pevent staining of clothing after consumption of too much alcohol.

Police chiefs have said that most of their officers have found more than 100% of arrests are of youngsters driving whilst under the influence."They're always pissed and stoned and most of them are dealers but we are planning to crackdown on these rogue officers" said a member of the Wiveliscombe Constabulary.

Sunday, 15 July 2007

Qualified Energy Inspector

With just days to go before the start of the Government's phased implementation of Home Information Packs their future has again been thrown into doubt.
The crisis has arisen because there is still only one qualified energy assessor to cover the entire Taunton Deane area.

Alexander Keay, a former 2CV and mini driver from Wiveliscombe has qualified in energy assessment by passing the strict written test of writing out a cheque for £500 to an internet-based training firm.

Mr Keay is well know to television audiences for his frequent appearances on the Granada series "House of Horrors" where with a mate fails to notice minor faults in electrical and plumbing appliances and they charge the homeowner a bundle for unnecessary repairs.

He told the Wivey3rds website "That was all when me and a mate were doing refurbishments, but they wouldn't register us for the Corgi so I became a estate agent until the Government come up with this new way for me to fleece the public."

Asked how he could possibly cover the whole of tis area on his own he was equally dismissive, "New homes is gonna get the green light and old one's the red. It's that easy mate, five minutes in and out job and name me own price. I really don't even have to go inside, except when there's a cuppa on offer."

Saturday, 7 July 2007

Man Arrested Picking Nose Whilst Driving

A man was arrested yesterday evening for picking his nose whilst driving. Michael Phillips, 45, was driving along a quiet residential street in his hometown of Wiveliscombe, in his Audi TT. Sensing his nose was feeling a 'little full' he decided to excavate said nose with his little finger and squeeze a couple of spots.

"That was when I saw the blue lights suddenly flare up in my rear-view mirror," said Mr Phillips. "I stopped the car and asked them if there was a problem. They pulled me out of the car, threw me against the bonnet and charged me for dangerous driving."
A police spokesperson said, "It is imperative the public learn the importance of paying attention to the road whilst driving. Mr Phillips should have pulled over and picked his nose whilst he was able to devote his full attention to it. He could have caused an accident had he lost his concentration for a split second."

Mr Phillips was due up in court to face charges next month but has now paid an on the spot fine.