Tuesday, 29 January 2008

Going Out Pass


I request permission for a leave of absence from my marital home for the following period:

Date Time of Departure Time of Return:

Should permission be granted, I do solemnly swear to only visit the locations stated below. nor shall I speak to another female other than those listed without gaining oral permission to do so from my better half. Nor shall I consume above the allocated volume of alcohol without first phoning for a taxi, a pizza or ordering a tandoori. I understand that even if permission is granted my wife/partner retains the right to be pissed off with me the following day for no valid reason what so ever. In addition I confirm I will continue to wear any items of female clothing found about my person

Amount of alcohol allowed (units):

Locations likely to be visited:

Females likely to be encountered:

Strength of curry permitted:

I am a low life. I know who wears the trousers in our home, and it ain't me. I promise to abide by your rules and regulations. I understand that this is going to cost me a fortune in chocolates and flowers. You reserve the right to obtain and use my credit cards in my absence. I hereby promise not to sleep overnight on a park bench next to a tramp (or in an alley) On my way home I will not pick a fight with a person who only exists in my inebriated mind, nor shall i conduct in depth discussions with said entity.

I declare that to the best of my knowledge (of which I have none) the above information is correct



This decision is not open to negotiation other than on my terms

Permission for my husband/partner to be away for the period

Date Time of Departure Time of Return


Monday, 28 January 2008

Would Sir like an A level with that?

McDonald's is now offering the equivalent of A levels on its menu, after winning government approval to become an exam board.

The 'basic shift manager' course which is being piloted will train staff in everything they need to run a McDonald's outlet, from marketing to human resources and customer service skills.

It marks the first time commercial companies have been allowed to award nationally recognised qualifications based on their own workplace training schemes.

Two other firms - Network Rail and Flybe - have also been approved to award their own qualifications, the Qualifications and Curriculum Authority has said.

South West Principal Michael Mc Twat said: 'It is right that we recognise and accredit employers that have shown a commitment to training and developing their staff.

'Giving qualifications equivalent status to A levels raises the prospect that staff could take a course at McDonald's and then go on to college or university. Every time I go into McDonalds Taunton to avoid the Musgrove staff canteen I see lots of kids that are bunking off school in there anyway.'

'This is an important step towards ending the old divisions between company training schemes and national qualifications, something that will benefit employees, employers and the country as a whole.'

But it will be universities and the higher education admissions service Ucas who decide whether the courses that emerge from these companies will be a good preparation for undergraduate study.

Monday, 21 January 2008

Wivey 2nds - Spot The Difference

Dear Ivor

I have been searching on the internet and I have found two pictures of those girlies in Wiveliscombe 2nd team. I wondered if your website groupies or yourself could spot the differences.

Just to give you a clue here is a few to start with; in the second picture:

A) Ballbag Norman has had a shave.
B) Rob Aplin is wearing black trainers.
C) Flapper Barington has got smaller breasts.
D) Daryl smith is wearing mens underwear.

I look forward to your comments with interest.

Warmest wishes
Biggus Dickus

Monday, 7 January 2008

Place your bets for 2008

Despite 2007 being a bit of a dire write-off for many of Wivey's sporting hopes, the odds are defiantly optimistic for next year. Bookies are inviting punters to place their 2008 bets - whether canny or crazy.

Early odds suggest it could be a good year for Wivey punters. Tony Lockyer is the shortest odds with Bill Hill to have his 100th fight on the rugby pitch, at 1-7 - and 9-4 to attend casualty after the match.

After a year of reunions for the likes of the Spice Girls, Rocky and John Darlow appear to be the bookies' tips for a 2008 comeback - offering 6-1 that they will team up again. Meanwhile Omar Rawlings is just 3-1 to rejoin his former team mates in Wivey Ladies

The Queen is 150-1 to knight an Wivey 3rds teacher for services against insomnia - but just 16-1 to abdicate.

In less exalted social circles, Dolly the Sheep is 5-1 to marry a member of Wivey 2nds, though Will Hill do not seem to specify. Meanwhile Ladblokes are offering 4/1 on the axing of Bruce Keay's Wivey Messenger column or the chances of anyone reading it 400-1.

Other hopes of Wivey success include Baz Lockyer scooping one of the top Oscar prizes (7-2), Stuart Norman remaining silent for more than 2 seconds (20-1) and Tommy attending an entirely dry Wimbledon fortnight (50-1).

Rather more improbably, if Rob Aplin Ever scores a try, then punters could scoop a 250-1 windfall. The same odds are available if you find Daryl Smith awake in a pub after 9.30pm. At least this seems more credible than conclusive proof of the Loch Ness monster, a 500-1 longshot but you can get slightly less odds for seeing Pete Thompson out after 7.30pm.

Just as likely - or unlikely - according to the bookies are Wivey Ladies to have a number one single.

And at 1,000-1, Bill Hill are offering odds that Martin Broome shoots an advert for an anti-hairloss product, that Martina grows above 5ft tall or that the Archbishop of Canterbury confirms the Second Coming.

But now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to back Mike Phillips I reckon he has a decent outside chance of winning the Booker Prize at odds of (500,000-1) or is it a prize at Brookers?