Friday, 21 April 2006

Serious Scientific Research

A team of researchers are celebrating hardly at all following their recent discovery of "the most boring substance in the known universe".

Scientists have known for many years that some chemical elements possess far more interesting properties than others though it's only relatively recently that "hyper-tedious substances" have become the focus of serious scientific research.

Early attempts to synthesize such substances were hampered by the problem of containment: Exposure to just a few atoms can result in a lab technician not being arsed to finish the experiment.

These researchers claim this substance could spread like a virus and suggest that people are at most risk when in conversation with a publican , teacher or estate agent.

If you find yourself exposed to this risk Government advice is to protect yourself by changing the topic of conversation to much more interesting material such as sport , women or whatever currently happening on East Enders.

Saturday, 1 April 2006

New Terrorist Laws

Anyone wanting to grow a beard or moustache will have to first obtain planning permission if new anti-terrorism legislation announced today becomes law.

Potential terrorists, yesterday

The strict new controls on facial hair are scheduled to come into force in Wiveliscombe, following the observation by an unnamed government minister that "terrorist chappies are a right bunch of hairy buggers, aren't they?"

Though critics have condemned the proposals as unfairly discriminating against even law abiding beardies, supporters of the move have pointed out that out that most goaties and taches look twatish any way

When and if the new legislation is introduced, it is believed that terrorist numbers will be kept to a minimum by the systematic turning down of all applications made by twats weirdos, loners and "persons of an ethnic persuasion".

Sheep Olympics

Following the success of the recent Wiveliscombe Young Farmers Sheep Olympics, the IOC is giving consideration for calls to make sheep shagging an official Olympic event.

Huw Chaser, head of the IOC steering committee and Welsh representative admitted that colleagues have been studying video tapes of the YFC event. Wivey YFC spokesperson & expert Alec Brand said, " With synchronised swimming and ballroom dancing now part of the Olympic curriculum, it may only be a matter of time before sheep shagging is recognised as a genuine sport".

GARDENERS WORLD. Is this picture proof that Martin Broome was seen working in Kingsmead Close last week?

Sad News About Beer

Yesterday Wivey scientists claimed that the results of a recent test had revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, and advised men should take a long hard look at their beer consumption. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.

To test the theory Thomo , Rocky , Jimmy Beale, Bruce Keay ,Daryl Smith and Mike Phillips were fed 8 pints of beer each within a one hour period.

It was then observed that they all gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, had to sit down while urinating, couldn't perform sexually, and refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned