Monday, 31 December 2007

Happy New Year


No Honours

Members of Welington Rugby Club have once more been missed from the Queen's New Year's Honours list. Officials have been secretly campaigning for their efforts in comedy on the rugby field this Season to be recognised.

Speaking to us earlier a spokesperson said: 'This is just ridiculous. In the past we have tried to pay for Honours, and never got anything, so we felt we would write to the Queen and asked for our efforts to be noticed. We made up the names of 25 Million people that we found on a disk in the street and wrote in on their behalf. We thought that that would have done the trick, but no, it did not'.

Wellington RFC now owe the Post Office millions.

Other nation's versions of the Haka

Seeing how the All Blacks were motivated by performing "The Haka" before their world cup games, the other nations were asked to suggest pre-match rituals of their own.

The England team will chat about the weather, wave hankies in the air and attach bells to their ankles for a while before moaning about how they invented the game, and gave it to the world, and how it's not fair that everyone can beat them now.

The Scotland team will chant "You lookin' at me Jimmy?" before smashing an Irn Bru bottle over their opponents heads.

The Ireland team will split into two, with the Southern half performing a Riverdance, while the Northerners march the Traditional route from their dressing room to the pitch, via their opponents dressing room.

The Welsh suggestion has been vetoed by the RSPCA.

Argentina will unexpectedly invade a small part of opposition territory claim it as their own "Las In-Goals-Areas" and then be forcibly removed by the Stewards.

Two members of the South African team will claim to be more important than the other thirteen whom they will coral between the posts while they claim the rest of the pitch for themselves.

The Americans will not be there until half time. In future years they will alter the records to show that they were in fact the most important team in the tournament and Hollywood will make a film called "Saving No8 Lyle".

Five of the Canadian team will sing La Marsaillaise and hold the rest of the side to ransom.

The Italian team will arrive in cars shaped like red dildos, sexually harass the female stewards and then run away.

The Spanish will sneak into the other half of the pitch mow it and then claim that it was all in line with the European "grass quotas". They will then curl up under the posts and have a kip until half time.

The French will declare they have new scientific evidence that the opposition are in fact all mad. They will then park trucks across the halfway line, let sheep lose in the opposition half and burn the officials.

The Australians will have a bar-b-que before negotiating lucrative singing and TV contracts in the UK. They will then invite their mates to come and live with them in Shepherds Bush before beating up all the women on the touchline.

Friday, 7 December 2007

No Batteries?

Field Marshall should see out his days on the Alstone farm. A six-year-old bullock is on course to become Britain's largest after reaching the same weight as a Mini Cooper car - with two years of growing still to do.

Owner Arthur Duckett is more than five inches shorter than Field Marshall, who stands at about 6ft 3in (1.9m) tall.

He told Wivey News: "The steer came from big stock and because he's got no batteries I can't breed from him and it affects the size he becomes. I often wonder if these big rugby players have batteries?

Are these photos proof that Field Marshall lookalike members of Wivey 3rds have lost their batteries as well?

Thursday, 6 December 2007

Exeter Saracens 3rds 8 Wivey 3rds 22

Nice to see my old mate Dave Mills refereeing. I hope that he was a better referee than he was a loose head prop!

There seems to be a lot of pictures of people standing around !!

More Missing Disks

Following the news that two discs are missing in Britain's Postal System, it has emerged that Wivey 3rds website have also lost two of its discs in the post.

The lost Wivey 3rds database CDs contained the personal information including the IQ's and driving records of many players, ex players and their families. Other damaging information on the lost discs includes details of Mark Bowden's Beano subscription, Daryl Smiths bra size, Dave Huxtable's favourite sheep called Jesus (recently renamed), Jock Morley's rare collection of Scottish rugby victories in the past decade, and many big thumb prints

Mr I Biggun, from the site said: 'It was a big mistake really. We send the discs by post, through Postman Pat, and they went missing. We should have dispatched the package by pigeon post instead its much more reliable.

Benji Stevens said: 'This is just dreadful news. I have been telling people on Wivey3rds complete lies, and now they will know the truth about me. Everybody thinks I have become the plonker I was in school, but I am not, I have a good job, do origami, and lead my own chapter of Star Trek Fans on the Internet.

Mr M. Phillips is afraid people will find out about his forty years worth of Stamp Albums, but others are more concerned that they will be exposed as having a lower IQ than him.

The second disc 'Wivey Ladies Sing Karaoke ' is a lethal killer. If found do not attempt to open it ! Call Scotland Yard's Anti Terrorist Unit immediately.

Tuesday, 4 December 2007

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Monday, 3 December 2007

God Upgrades to Vista

A spokesman for Heaven has announced that God the Almighty, the Creator of the Universe, has taken the plunge and upgraded from Windows XP to Windows Vista. It is expected that stuff will be better, the world will be faster and there will be fewer system crashes.

The spokesman, calling himself Gabriel, and speaking through His Holiness the Pope, said:

"When Microsoft released the new version of Windows, God wanted to see how well it worked before upgrading. Using His Omnipotent Presence, He has been observing Vista on millions of PCs and laptops across the world simultaneously for 40 days and 40 nights, and has decided that it is good. He made up His mind earlier today to upgrade the Universe, He accordingly purchased Windows Vista Professional from PC World."

There has been speculation about exactly what aspects of life will improve, now that God is using the newer operating system. Unfortunately, nobody has been able to answer this question yet. The downside will be that global warning will accelerate and Foot & Mouth and Bird Flu will spread more quickly.

Due to hardware incompatibilities, Wellington Rugby Club, Martin Broome and Mike Phillps wallett will cease functioning and become obsolete, though the Almighty hopes that nobody will notice the difference except Charlotte. Owners of Apple Macs will no longer be able to enter Heaven.

Gabriel added:

"If anyone knows how to hide the new sidebars, could he please mention it to the Almighty in his next prayer. The technical support number has unfortunately been engaged for hours."

Rumours though, that clouds over Wivey will have a picture of Pete Thompson on them as The Almighty changes his desktop theme have already frightened a lot of little children.