Friday, 30 May 2008

Wivey And North Kingsmead Expeditionary Regiment

In the above video we can see the Wivey And North Kingsmead Expeditionary Regiment training on the West Somerset coastline. This unit or WANKER's as they are more commonly known have been put through their paces by former Marines Omar Rawlings and Delwyn Evans.

Once fully active this unit Will be sent to do peace keeping duties in Kingsmead Close and The Square as well as sheep protection at Brompton Ralph.

Wednesday, 28 May 2008

Next Years Eurovision Song Contest result announced ahead of event

The result of next years Eurovision Song Contest has been announced ahead of the competition being held, with the winning song from the UK gaining the highest number of 12 point votes.

"I wear the trousers", to be sung by Wivey Ladies representing the UK, will sweep the boards at this year's event, despite the block voting that will occur from former Communist Russian states.

The song which will come second,"Flump Phat Pharg", sung by a goat herder from Mont Blanc, accompanied by an orchestra comprised solely of black-headed seagulls , will be only 32 votes behind.

An ecstatic Sir Terrence of Woganshire takes up the story:

"I genuinely think both the mummified group of lute musicians from Pompei who are representing Italy with "My alphabeti spaghetti" and the bicycle representing Malta may do better.

"I also feel the entry from Afganistan is a little out of place, and "Boom Bang a Bang" by Osama and the Tallytubbies is frankly in very bad taste."

Stamping down on crime

A Wivey shopkeeper has been warned that he could be jailed for his unusual way of dealing with shoplifters.He said police were doing little to prevent shoplifters targeting his shop so he told thieves he'd call the police unless they gave him one of their shoes.

But police told him his punishment counted as robbery, whereas shoplifting was merely a misdemeanour.

"I give them the choice. I say, 'I'm either going to call the cops or you give me one of your shoes'," Mr Milton Fyffe told The Wivey Mirror.

"They're too humiliated to come back and ask for their shoe, and that also means they won't steal again."

But PC Dick Head of Wivey Constabulary said: "I would suggest that he find a different option that doesn't involve giving up property. "What's the difference between him saying, 'Give me £20 and I won't call the police' or 'Give me your shoe?'"

Mr Milton Fyffe has denied having a shoe fetish and has reluctantly agreed to abide by the police warning: "It was a good try, but I'll have to figure something else out," he said.

Tuesday, 27 May 2008

BID - Balamory is Disturbing

CBeebies programme Balamory has been switched to Channel 4 and will now be aired at 10.00pm after complaints from concerned parents that it was disturbing.

The fictional fishing village has what can only be described as having alternative characters.

Spokesperson for BID (Balamory is Disturbing) James Beale said 'I was shocked when I came home from work to see my children watching this programme as to be blunt; it scared the shit out of me. If that's not the Wicker Man then I don't know what is?'

Beale continued, 'From what I saw, you have a chap who resides in a pink castle and makes inventions out of everyday objects, a policeman who does pirouettes and sings and a school teacher who is just plain weird. It's all well and good having a copper singing and dancing but I bet crime is through the bloody roof, it's the stuff of nightmares.

'I myself grew up watching the likes of Mr Benn, Sesame Street and Finger bobs. What next will they show? The Chainsaw Children and the Hillbilly Bastard clan? It's all wrong I tell you.'

Ivor Comment: Sounds a bit like Wivey to me !

Bristol City Fans To Abandon Singing Cider Songs

Fans of Bristol City, the Championship playoff losers, have vowed to stop singing stupid cider songs as a way of inspiring their team, and of drowning their sorrows after huge defeats.

Bristol lost 1-0 at the hands of far superior Hull City in the Wembley final last Saturday, and must start the new campaign in August back in the Championship, enduring another season along with the likes of Doncaster Rovers, who, at least, know how to win at the Twin Towers.

Their inability to get past Hull will now cost them £60million.

The Robins fans, who had expected as much, came armed with a full complement of Cider Songs, including Coider Rosie, and The Wurzels top ten hit, I Am A Coider Drinker (Oo ar oo ar ay, oo ar oo ar ay), as well as their self-penned anthem I'm Dozy And Blathered - Give Me Another Coider.

When Hull fans laughed uncontrollably at this West Country cacaphony, however, the sad Bristolians fell silent, and having failed to console themselves, trudged off back to Avon with their tails and pitchforks between their legs.

Robins fan, John Figgis, 21, who had a piece of straw sticking out of his mouth, said:

"Oo ar, oo ar. Them coider songs didn't do us much good, did them?"