Saturday, 9 January 2010

Do you want some snow cleared

Martin Broome is offering his services to clear snow form paths with his special snow clearing service.

Fee payable:- 3 pints = 1 hours snow clearing

Top Ten Things You Do Not Want To Hear Mike Phillips Say In A Hospital

Top Ten Things You Do Not Want To Hear Mike Phillips Say In A Hospital .....................

1. Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.

2. Nurse, did this patient sign the organs donation card?

3. Darn! Page 84 of the manual is missing!

4. Everybody stand back! Charlotte's Driving the Ambulance!

5. Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie

6. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

7. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"

8. Whoa, Stop wait a minute, I've only had five tea breaks this morning?

9. "Good Morning Mr Ware"

10. What do you mean "You had two legs when you came in earlier"

Thursday, 7 January 2010

Musgrove Redeployment

During the recent snow due to staff shortages many staff at Musgrove Park hospital were redeployed to avoid any operations from being cancelled.
Ivor has been informed that Dr Mike Phillips was found an appropriate job mending the broken leg of a Gingerbread man in the restaurant.

Thursday, 24 December 2009

'Twas The Night Before Christmas 2009

'Twas the night before Christmas
and all through the house
not a creature was stirring
except me and my spouse

All the presents were wrapped
the stockings full of stuff
my wife, she did sigh as she sat
'oh', I said, 'you think you have it rough'

The children were all nestled, snug in their beds
while I looked at the race track
and doll house boxes
my head full of dread

Tab A and slot B
soon filled my brain
I reached over to grab my beer
which I soon drained

When out on the street
there rose such a noise
there was some fat guy
and a big bag of toys

I ran to the window
my heart full of fear
I raised up the window
and threw up my beer

My eyes popped out
for what did I see?
a red Ford pick up
wrapped around our tree

On the hood were tied
eight reindeer, obviously dead
in front of the truck,
the fat guy, obviously out of his head

'Damn lights, damn flashers
damn snow all around
I knew I was gonna have an accident
drove it right into the ground'

I ran for the phone
to call 911
I knew this scene
was not going to be fun

As I started to dial
my wife said 'What's the matter?'
I looked out the window
The fat guy had a ladder

He set it on the side of the roof
and started to climb
he had nearly reached the top
when the cops arrived at the scene of the crime

He slipped on the ladder
and started to fall
'Won't someone catch me?'
he was heard to call

His boot got hooked
and flipped him upside down
as he hung by his toes
his bag hit the ground

I ran right on over
and gave him a grin
I pulled on the bag
and started dragging it in

'Just go ahead and take it'
he said with a sigh
'Just go ahead and leave me
hanging here to die'

The cops ran over
and helped him get down
as they snapped on the cuffs
one said 'What a fat clown'

I closed my door slowly
and then I shook with glee
I had to know what was in the bag
I just had to see

'I don't have to build that crap'
I was speaking to me
'I can take all this stuff
and stuff it under the tree!'

I looked at the goodies
and quickly lost my grin
as I read each package
my brain filled with chagrin

Each and ever box was marked
'Assembly Required'
I realized
I am going to be very tired

Monday, 21 December 2009

Save The Earth - Wivey's Carbon Footprint

Wivey's carbon footprint has doubled since Rob Aplin turned on his Christmas lights. It was thought that Rob also turned away climate camp protest only to find out that they were Wivey Young Farmers carol singers.

Ivors tips

Do You Want To Help Save The Environment and Reduce CO2 Emissions? How can you help save the environment and reduce CO2 emissions?

Humans exhale Carbon Dioxide (CO2) - Stop breathing !!

Thursday, 10 December 2009

''Dick Turpin,Ghouldilocks and the three bear drinkers'

WAMDRAM Wivey's new amateur drama group are about to stage its first production, the pantomime 'Dick Turpin',but after recent photographs appeared in the press someone suggested it should be called 'Dick Turpin,Ghouldilocks and the three bear drinkers'

Synopsis of our version of 'Dick Turpin'

In the scariest tale of the infamous Dick 'Andy Harvey' Turpin, highwayman, is brought to raucous life in this hilarious pantomime.

Many a new twist is brought to the much-loved Panto conventions; Dame Ghouldilocks (Paul Hopkins), the villain (Delwyn Evans) complete with dim-witted henchmen, (Richard Piercey), the beautiful girl (??????)and her beau are all here, as ever, but in a new and exciting setting with its fair share of surprises! The choice of songs will cater to all tastes, both young and old and especially the deaf.

When lovable rogue Dick Turpin realises that someone is out to tarnish his reputation by claiming he is using too much water, he himself goes undercover. He takes a job on Dame Ghouldilocks farm so he can track down the villain.

But on the farm he discovers a love triangle between farm-hands Dolly the pantomine Cow , Pork Scratchings the old sow and Smokey Bacon the confused sheep.

Please send your nominations for the above posts, but Stuart even I am not brave enough to say that about Mims!

Tuesday, 8 December 2009

Gordon Brown

Gordon Brown was visiting Wivey primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Mr. Brown if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'.

So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a 'tragedy.'

No, said Gordon - that would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy'

I'm afraid not, explained Gordon - that's what we would call great loss'

The room went silent. No other children volunteered Gordon searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand...

In a quiet voice he said: 'If a plane carrying you and Mr Darling was struck by a friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy.'

'Fantastic!' exclaimed Gordon. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?'

'Well,' says little Johnny 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a f*kc1ng accident either!

Thursday, 3 December 2009

Musgrove Park Hospital, Taunton, found noise levels on an average general medical ward exceeded 60dB

Ivors Comment -"What else would you expect with the Phillips family working there?"

Hospital wards across the NHS are breaking recommended noise limits, disturbing patients' sleep, well-being and recovery, experts say.

Two separate studies found the din of chattering visitors and loud mobile phones pushed noise levels well over recommended limits.

The World Health Organization says patients should not be exposed to noise above 35 decibels or a loud whisper.

But the UK researchers frequently recorded levels of 60dB to 90bB.

Researchers at Musgrove Park Hospital, Taunton, found noise levels on an average general medical ward exceeded 60dB most of the time, even at night.

Sunday, 29 November 2009

Accident & Emergency

Wivey 3rds would like to send their best wishes to Andy Ware after his recent microsurgery.

We understand that Andy was rushed into hospital last week after Sarah noticed an unusual swelling late at night.

Dr Willie Finder a spokesperson for the hospital said ' After initial assessment we realized the hands on approach was not an option and called in the microsurgery team.'

Nurse Vi Agra who helped Andy complete his admission form commented ' The operation went and we would not expect anything otherwise due to Andy's Teetotal, non smoking healthy lifestyle'

Other Medical News

After breaking down at half time recently whilst refeering a match Pete Thompson visited his Doctor.

When his Doctor requested a urine sample Thomo handed over his underpants.

Mike 'Elmer Fudd' Phillips

The has been a rumour going around that Mike Phillips has actually managed to shoot a fox and a rabbit.

Today we can reveal that this rumour is true, but the taxidermnist threatened court action unless mike replaced his shop window.

Friday, 27 November 2009

'World's worst' e-fit sparks arrest

Ivor's Comment' I'm not sure they got the right Man'

Bolivian police managed to track down a man wanted for murder from what was described as the world's worst photo-fit.

Officials issued an appeal for help, and one neighbour drew a picture of what she believed the suspect looked like - though many other people have said her drawing resembles nothing more than the scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz.

The picture, more reminiscent of a child's school drawing than a piece of forensic evidence, consists of a pair of eyes, lopsided lips, a broomstick-shaped nose, and straight eyebrows topped with hair resembling a thatched roof.

Monday, 9 November 2009

What lies beneath?

Apparently the vast majority of Scotsmen still choose to wear nothing beneath their kilts, according to a survey out today.

A survey of men north of the border revealed that 69 per cent of kilt-wearers prefer to "go commando".

Of the remainder, 14 per cent said they wore boxers and 10 per cent chose briefs - with 7 per cent admitting to falling into the rather ambiguous "other" category. One man admitted wearing a thong with a Batman motif.

Researchers found that a large number of Scotsmen often made up their minds on the basis of how formal the occasion was. Many preferred to wear underwear for occasions such as weddings, while on less formal outings such as rugby matches they went without.

Do we think Ben is a thong man?

Monday, 24 August 2009

A natural move for an estate agent

The new Wookly Hole witch has inspired Bruce Keay to make his next career move.

This occurred after the new witch proclaimed “I am on top of the moon. This is a natural step up from my current job as an estate agent. You need witchy skills to sell houses at the moment.

We now hear that bruce is in secret negotiations to replace the present Basil Fawlty in Fawlty Towers.

'Being a right miserable grumpy git he should fit in well' said Lynn
It is understood that Max Green is also being lined up to be the next 'Manuel'

Friday, 21 August 2009

Swine flu-the facts

I called the Swine Flu hotline ... all I got was crackling.

I heard that the first symptom is that you come out in rashers.

Another is that you get the trotts.

But, I woke up with pig tails this morning ... Should I be worried?

The doctor asked me how long I'd had the symptoms of Swine Flu. I said it must have been about a Weeeeeeeeeeeeeek!

Apparently my mate's got Swine Flu, I think he's just telling porkies, though.

The only known cure for Swine Flu in humans has been found to be the liberal application of oinkment.

This little piggy went to market,
This little piggy stayed at home,
This little piggy had roast beef,
This little piggy had none.
And this little piggy had influenza A virus subtype hemagglutinin protein
1 neuraminidase protein 1

Swine flu, however, is not a problem for the pigs because they're all
going to be cured anyway.

News Flash .... this just in. The world's religious leaders have issued a
joint declaration that the Swine Flu pandemic is the start of the aporkalypse.

Swine flu has now mixed with bird flu. Scientists say they will find a cure when pigs fly.

I just heard on the news that, "Swine Flu could potentially be a threat to
every single person in the world". Well it's a good thing I'm married then, isn't it?

This is not a time for panic. It is no pig deal. It is a mild hamademic, don't believe the spam you're getting.

Half price on return flights to Mexico - it's not like you're comingback, is it?

You've got to hand it to the Mexicans. Even Osama Bin Laden didn't scare this many Americans.

Wednesday, 19 August 2009


A Wiveliscombe expert is urging people not to panic when a large, shiny yellow ball appears in the skies over Wivey this week.

Professor Stuart Norman , of the Institute for Studies, said: "It's natural to be afraid, but we are 99% certain that the shiny, yellow ball means us no harm.

"Our computer modelling suggests it will encourage plant growth and pollination, as well as leading to a significant increase in white wine, ice cream and nipples as women remove their brassieres in what we think will be some sort of sacrificial offering.

"Indeed I advise, young women to remove as much of their clothing as possible while the shiny ball is visible, otherwise it could kill them. It totally could."

Wiveliscome 3rd team and Daryl Smith are not encouraged to expose the 'Man Boobs' though.

Professor Norman added: "Don't waste your time trying to touch it because, as far as we have been able to determine, it is quite a long way away.

"Possibly as far away as the moon, or Bristol."

Monday, 17 August 2009

Transvestite cult baffles religious leaders

Religious leaders in India are baffled by a bizarre new transvestite cult in Wiveliscombe for men to live as a Hindu love goddess.

Thousands of devotees are now dressing up as Radha - the goddess lover of Krishna - like retired scarecrow Martin Broome, 41.

"I can't put it into words properly but I feel more holy dressed as a woman," said Broomena of New Delhi (The Restaurant).

"The Lord told me he wanted me as his bride and I won't ever have to worry about the CSA again."

But the cult has astonished traditional religious leaders.

Senior priest Mohammad Mustafa Phil Leeps said: "There are many ways to be closer to the Lord without trying to be his girlfriend - like my AK-47."

Saturday, 8 August 2009

As the new Season approaches.........

...Give a good home to an old donkey

We are looking for a home for this old boy! We have taken him in, completely unhandled, to save him from having to go to the sale. He has great potential for a cart donkey, companion or even a riding donkey for a child.

He is heavy boned,and is around 48-52" at this time. I don't have a measuring stick big enough to accurately measure him. He is considered a rescue and is in dire need of a good home! We don't have the facilities to keep him for long but do not want him to go to the sale to end up unloved and unhandled. He is already enjoying his neck and ear rubs but will need a lot of work. He seems to do what he is told and gets used to his routines very quickly!

If you think you can help email

More Donkey's

Bruce has a very inquisitive nature and is always looking for things to play with. Recently he found an empty bucket and pushed it all around the yard with his nose, taking great delight in the noise he was making!

Jimmy is proving to be a very popular donkey and is beginning to enjoy all the attention he gets from visitors, who often admire his lovely, velvety grey coat! He has even started coming to the fence to meet the children. He continues to be as popular as ever in the riding arena, and giving rides to the children with special needs is something he is now very proud of!

Whilst practising long-reigning in anearby Park, we noticed that Pete was fascinated by the white lines marking out the rugby pitch. He was so intrigued, that he began to walk along the lines, refusing to go any other direction.

Mike enjoys the attention they get from the residents. They especially like the gardens of the homes as they can nibble the grass on the way out!

Mike always seems to enjoy himself - and we have discovered why. Recently he was seen staring intently at a large plasma screen television in the lounge of one of the residential homes. He would obviously be a television addict if given the opportunity!

Friday, 31 July 2009

Local Goverment Association's list of banned words

How's about this for utter nonsense? The Local Government Association has created a list of 200 words which shouldn't be used by councils. Hmmm.

Click here to see the list.

Apparently council staff should avoid using these words in order to communicate effectively. What do you think?

Saturday, 23 May 2009

Mike Phillips Playing Golf

We understand that Mike is almost as good as golf as he is at rugby. Here the proof?

Obstruction in Silver Street

After a recent obstruction occurred in the road in Silver Street Martin Broome has suggested that the Government should supply jetpacks for the elderly.

This happened after a man from the bottom of Golden Hill on his mobility scooter had to avoid objects on the road and pavement in Silver Street .

This way they don't block the pavements and roads with those slow little machines that they have. This will reduce congestion so will be good for the environment. The elderly may have more fun in their life, more fun than bingo, and as there are no cars in the sky it will be much safer.

He said 'Soon everyone will want jetpacks and the world will be a better place.'

Friday, 22 May 2009

Breaking News

More news from our 'Wivey Today' section in tomorrows edition when we interview the Wivey Colts player who recently solved one side of the Rubick's Cube.

Tuesday, 28 April 2009

Wivey Fireman Fight Pig Flu

I hear that Wivey Firemen were sent into the Bear to combat a suspected case of pig flu. I understand from a source that the bar was cordoned off whilst Andy Priest ate all of the Pork scratching whilst Daryl Smith and Neil Higgins went down into the cellar after the Smokey Bacon crisps emerging hours later.

A Spokesperson for the Fire Service praised their bravery " We are concerned about possible side effects especially after the Mexican Chilli they all had at the weekend"

Health experts have suggested that another possible outbreak in Brompton Ralph appears to be the widely-known P19-Luv strain, for which there is no cure.

The farmer a member of Wivey Young Farmers, who runs the farm told officials that his pig had seemed fine two nights ago, but was keen to point out that he had never had sex with her.

Wednesday, 25 February 2009

Public Servants

"Give me a sentence about a public servant", asked Ben Parnell to one of his Bridgwater pupils.

The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."

Ben took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" he asked.

"Sure", said the young student confidently. "It means 'carrying a child'.

Tuesday, 10 February 2009

Fare Revenge

An man catches a taxi home one evening and the cabbie charges him almost double the usual fare and when he complains the driver becomes abusive.

The man resolves to get his revenge if he comes across this taxi driver again.

A week later the man goes to get a cab home and notices the driver from the week before is third in the taxi rank.He strolls up and gets in the first cab, once inside he tells the Nick Wickham that he doesn’t have any cash but if he takes him home he’ll give him a blow job. Nick goes mad and kicks him out of his cab.

The man now gets into the second cab and makes Flicky the same proposition: a blow job for a lift home. Flicky also refuses and kicks him out.

So now the man gets into the third taxi, the guy who ripped him off, and asks to be dropped a few blocks away.

As the cab drives off the smiles at Flicky and Nick and gives a big thumbs up…

Tuesday, 3 February 2009

Advice on Alcohol

Martin Aplin on the touchline at North Petherton with two twelve year old girls.

CHILDREN should not be given any alcohol before they turn 15, parents have been warned. Britain's chief medical officer Sir Liam Donaldson said yesterday that between the ages of 15 and 18 youngsters should drink no more than once a week and only then under strict adult supervision.

He advised that parents who let their children have the odd tipple could be putting them at risk of brain damage and depression, stunting their growth and can cause memory problems.

Some parents are known to give children as young as five alcohol at home. Many families believe alcohol at mealtimes can encourage a responsible attitude in older offspring.

But Sir Liam yesterday said this practice was misguided and "middle class". He said the advice, the first in Europe and possibly the world, was being issued to help clear up parental confusion on safe levels of childhood drinking.

'A lot of people ask me what is wrong with giving children a glass of pinot noir watered down from an early age,' he said

'There is an extremely strongly held belief among middle class parents that it must work'

'But there is no evidence either way. The danger of any misguided attempt to ply children with alcohol is that they get the taste for drinking.'

Sunday, 1 February 2009

Lookalikes - Ben 'Henry' Parnell

Henry would not permit his photo to be used unless we allowed him to wear a disguise in case in went out in public and was mistaken for a teacher.

Saturday, 31 January 2009

Binge drinking encouraged to beat recession

Martin Broome has called for pubs and clubs to stay open 24/7 to help the UK spend its way out of recession.

Speaking at the Wite Hart pub in Wiveliscombe he said "People drinking more alcohol will have a knock on effect in lots of ways, more money will be spent at the bar,which will lead to more jobs for council workers who will have to clean up vomit and urine from the streets, also hospitals will employ more staff in A&E. "

"The motor industry will also benifit as more drunks will crash their cars leading to an increase in new car sales."

Sunday, 25 January 2009

Ben Thain's Computer Clinic

Is your computer running really slowly? Has it been infected by a virus or spyware? Viruses, adware, spyware, worms, hackers, scams, phisher attacks and the list reasons to worry goes on and on.

All these can be real threats so Wivey 3rds have teamed up with Ben Thain to offers hints and tips and general trouble-shooting along with some common questions with your computer.
Please email your questions to or leave comments below:

So let's take a break and talk about some common questions that shouldn't worry you.

'My computer wont work'  - Mike Phillips, Kingsmed Close
Press the on / off  switch

'How do I email the Vicar' - M Boome, Silver Street
Dont bother your off to Hell anyway.

'Is internet shopping safe' - Anon, Wivey Ladies
Much safer than you driving to Taunton!

'I have been surfing internet porn and got a virus on this computer. How do I stop my mum from finding out?' - Anon. Wivey Under 15s
Don't worry you dad has been doing it as well!

'I have been surfing internet porn and got a virus on this computer. How do I stop my wife from finding out?' - Anon. Wivey 3rds
Blame it on your son !

'How do I sort out problems with my Excel Spreadsheet?' - Estate Agent, Wiveliscombe
Get a real job!

 'I have pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens.' - Kirtsy Bawden, Wivey Ladies
Thats the computer's mouse.

'Can you suggest a good website for me?' - M. Aplin, Church Street

And my dad?

'How can I upload pictures of my favorite sheep to my facebook account' - Jimmy, Wiveliscombe Young Farmers
You f*****g Sheepsagger