Tuesday, 26 June 2007

Captain Pegwash and her pirates held a council of war

Captain Pegwash was a pirate of the high seas who commanded the Black Cat. She was the hero of many tales of bravery and daring. As she would tell you herself, her ruthless cunning made her a daunting enemy, and the name of the Black Cat (or pussy) was enough to strike fear into the heart of any sea-faring captain.

"Plundering Porpoises! Jumping jellyfish! Harrowing hurricanes!" blustered pirate Captain Pegwash to the work-shy crew of her ship, the Black Pussy as they sailed the Seven Seas and encountered adventures. The busty Captain. always bold before the event, with a tendency to get into scrapes (and make a speedy exit forthwith).

The Good Captain, and her crew (above) Big Willy Warmer, Master Bates, Hugh Harse, were simple pirates and no match for their various shiver-me-timbers foes but fortunately they were regularly rescued from the clutches of black-bearded arch villain Cut-Throat Rawlings (of the 'Flying Dustman') by the cunning and courage of the Black Pussy's, Roger the Cabin Boy'

Here in her latest adventure we see Captain Pegwash with Seaman Staines after her latest encounter with Cut-throat Rawlings who was camped in the old Persian fort with the greatest chest in Wivey ladies history.

Thursday, 21 June 2007

Wivey's Ambassador for Stirring Up Trouble

After being ignored in the Queens birthday honours list Ivor Biggun has accepted an offer by the United Nations to be the newly created Ambassador for Stirring Up Trouble in Wiveliscombe and the rest of the UK, it has been disclosed.

Mr. Bigun narrowly beat other candidates former Wivey 3rds player John Darlow, Tony Lockyer and 'Complete Twat' Mike Phillips. A member of the Interview Panel said:"We were particularly impressed at Mr. Bigguns's wide and varied credentials in the field of stirring up trouble. With Mr Lockyer we actually lost count of how many fights he has started so had to disqualify him. Although we considered Mr. Darlow, he simply didn't come close. We felt that he didn't really Stir Up enough Trouble, was too ginger and had gone too soft. As for Mr.Phillips, well, it was a close call between him and Mr. Biggun. Mr. Phillips has Stirred Up a lot of small troubles but never finishes what he starts."

A beaming Ivor biggun later emerged from the Rugby club toilets in Wiveliscombe and said "I am proud to receive this honour and distinction, and particularly proud that these accolades fall on a Wivey person. I have also done my best to Stir Up Trouble on behalf of my country and hope to continue to be able to do so."

As Ambassador for Stirring Up Trouble, Mr. Biggun is likely to be kept posted on events in Wivey's Basra (Kingsmead Close) in Southern Wiveliscombe, and has been reported as offering to arrange to have large concentric circles to be painted on the roof of the worst properties.

Friday, 15 June 2007

Face Detection Technology camera fails on Bear bike club outing - Or does it ?

The new canon face dectection camera should make it simple to take great portraits and group shots at family gatherings and on nights out with friends. Switch on Canon’s clever Face Detection Technology, for instance, and the camera automatically picks out up to nine faces in the frame and adjusts focus, exposure and flash for optimal results. Here we see the new camera being used by a member of the Bear bike club to take a group photo of their latest outing.

Putting a smile on everyone’s face – perfect portraits are made easy with new Canon ‘A’ Series digital cameras.

Thursday, 14 June 2007

Sheep 'Flu Epidemic Is Sweeping The Welsh Valleys

Ooooh...those Welshmen!

A recent outbreak in Wales of, what was thought to be H5N1 Bird 'Flu, has, in fact, turned out to be rather less sinister, and has mystified Health officials in the area.

Local medical experts say Sheep Flu has spread like wildfire in the valleys, with more than 7000 reported cases in the last two weeks.

"These are the first recorded cases of Sheep Flu in this part of the world", said vet Dai Davies, adding "it's almost unknown outside Brompton Ralph. The virus is thought to be the non-fatal W001 strain, and it can only be contracted by "extreme intimacy"

Farmer Huw Chaser, who used to be a shepherd before he developed a liking for bigger cattle, said he'd had the 'flu, but that he was now better."My thingy doesn't itch anymore, Boyo, and the rash has all but cleared up. "

Mr Chaser also claimed that the illness was quite common in many parts of Wales , and that sufferers were more than willing to put up with the discomfort, for the pleasure it brought them.
"I keep all my sheep indoors nowadays, in the bedroom. When you have them at such close quarters, you're bound to get a few sniffles and snuffles, aren't you?"

Welsh health officials have warned the public against complacency, and have issued a statement telling potential sufferers of Sheep 'Flu to lock up their herds, and to see a doctor immediately.

Roderick Morgan, from the Royal St David's Animal Fondness Hospital in Carmarthen, said:"In some cases it can be quite nasty. The sheep don't seem to mind, but it's best to leave the fleecy little darlings alone for a while."

Thursday, 7 June 2007

Bob the Bodger! "Can he f*** it?"

Wiveliscome TV have remade an episode of the classic kids series aimed at young children that originally followed the adventures of an odd-job man.Welcome to the world of Wivey's Bob the Bodger! With their chorus of "Can he f*** it?" "Yes, he can!" Bob and his loveable gang, drink together, laugh together, play together, quarrel and make up and just do their best to muddle through. Just like kids everywhere.

Their world is imaginative and filled with fun and adventure - a unique world of instruction mayhem and chaos, that comes complete with modern gadgets like mobile phones, remote controls and beer pumps!

In this episode we see the mischievous scarecrow "Spud" Piercey, who loiters around always up to no good, undermining the gang's hard work watching from his window when he ought to be helping.

The rest of the gang, Andy "Roley" Harvey, Del "Lofty" Evans, Heather "Dizzy" Harvey and Pete "Travis Tractor" Kirk remain at the refuelling depot looking after "bird"Tawny Owl in the cellar.

But between them, despite the mix ups, muddles and mayhem, buildings get built, constructions get constructed, and things get well and truly f****d...

Friday, 1 June 2007

Message from Juan Kerr

Buenos Dias Senor Bigun, Como estas?

My name ees Juan, Juan Kerr. I haf a llama farm. In my rugby team I am known a "Big Juan Kerr". I haf son. My son is known as "Little Juan Kerr". We leeve in a small village, known as Don Burros, in the mountains of Los Malvinas, the small islands near to thee beloved mother country of ARGENTINA! VIVA ARGENTINA!! VIVA LOS PUMAS !!!

I an known as big Juan, the rugby fan. I haf woman who ees known as "Little Rosita" (You may know her Indian cousin Minge) .

I like dog sheet on the rugby field! You do not know I am there until it ees too late, and thee damage ees done.

My son, little Juan ees surfing thee web. He find thee site of thee Wiveliscombe turds. I am so happy to find an Engleesh team who love thee rugby and also our four legged friends ! My team ees known as Los Llamashaggers of the Malvinas!

Tell me senor Bigun Un what ees a "big twat" and why is Senor Phileeps a "complete twat". When Senor Phileeps come to the Malvinas he go surfing waves and I see he haf big one to! Surfboard that ees. I haf thee photo of him to prove it.

He haf thee peenis of a penguin under thee wet suit, no?

I go now, leetle Jaun Keer he still surf on thee net. He mostly go on thee bad website from the country of Cymru near you. It ees full of thee pictures of Welesh men with thee sheep. Leetle Juan Kerr speek on thee net to Phil McCreviss from the Scot of land and he say thee women of the Welesh men must haf facees like thee beehind of the llama.

Adios, my engleesh amigo! Asta la vista!!

Big Juan