Tuesday, 26 August 2008

I'd do anything

Here we see Ben Parnell at the BBC auditioning for the role of Nancy and one three youthful proteges to play orphaned urchin Oliver in the new Cameron Mackintosh forthcoming West End production of Oliver!

It is not known whether he tried out for the part of Oliver or just wanted to be a Nancy .

Unfortunately he did not get the callback and was recommended by the panel for the part of the Tin Man in Wivey's production of The Wizard of Oz.

When are school holidays in England?

The British academic year runs from September to July.

Schools are open for 195 days each school year.

English schools have 3 terms, separated by holidays.

The school year is 39 weeks long and is divided into three terms:

  • Term 1 - September to October (followed by a one week holiday),October to December (followed by a two week holiday)
  • Term 2 - January to February (followed by a one week holiday), February to March (followed by a two week holiday)
  • Term 3 - April to May (followed by a one week holiday). June to July (followed by a six week summer holiday)

Who decides the dates of the School terms and holidays for these lazy b******ds?

A state-of-the-art watch?

A rather confident 007 strolled into a bar and took a seat next to a stunningly attractive woman. He gave her a quick glance, then casually looked at his watch for a moment.

Noticing his actions, the woman next to him asked, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replied, "Q's just given me this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

Intrigued by his words the woman replied, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"Well you see," said Bond, "it uses Alpha waves to telepathically talk to me."

"I see," said the woman, "and what's it telling you now?"

"It says you're not wearing any knickers..." came the reply.

The woman giggled and replied, "Well it must be broken because I'm afraid I'm wearing knickers!"

007 tutted, tapped his watch and said, "Damn thing must be an hour fast!"

Saturday, 23 August 2008

Guys & Their Games

Here are the facts, ladies. Two-thirds of all men in television-owning households between the ages of 18 and 34 have videogame consoles, according to media research company, Nielsen. That means your chances of going with a gaming guy are pretty high. What can his choice of gaming system tell you about him? We convened a panel of experts to give you the scoop:

What does a PlayStation reveal about a bloke?
This is your 21st-century individual who enjoys gaming and demands the best out of his experience—and probably his women. The PS3 guy enjoys life to its fullest. He is sophisticated, intelligent, enjoys competition and is willing to wait for a good thing. He is loyal as well.

What does a Wii tell a woman about her potential date?
The Wii-mote will force him to get up off the couch and actually get a little exercise while he’s playing. Of all of the consoles, the Wii is probably the best date machine, as a lot more of the games appeal to both sexes. Challenge him to a game of tennis or bowling.

And what does the Xbox divulge about its owner?
There is a wide variety of games available through the Xbox 360... so one may be better able to find games in common with a significant other who may not be an avid gamer. Preferring the Xbox 360 may say that the owner is willing to play cooperatively.

Of course, these expert opinions won’t apply to all men who own these consoles, so don’t consider them absolutes. But they should help you gain some solid clues about that videogame-playing guy you’re seeing.

A spokeswoman for Wivey ladies commented "We prefer men that play with balls and if you've watched Wivey 3rds, then you have seen men that play with their balls together"

Monday, 18 August 2008

Wiveliscombe Will Send Reinforcements

An Australian mayor has landed himself in hot water after making an ill-advised plea for ugly women, subtly illustrated here by a bearded lady, to move to a remote mining town where men outnumber women by a ratio of five to one.

John Molony, the mayor of Mount Isa, found himself under attack after the suggestion that telling a local newspaper "with five blokes to every girl, may I suggest that beauty-disadvantaged women should proceed to Mount Isa" reports Reuters.

Mayor Molony has refused to apologise for his comments and added that, in a testosterone-laden town famous for cowboys and mining, he was simply “telling it like it is”.

However, the situation may not be quite as dire as Molony noted. The Associated Press reports that, according to the 2006 census, men make up 52.6 percent of Mount Isa’s population of nearly 20,000

Thursday, 14 August 2008

Builders bungle train tunnel

Bungling engineers have been left red-faced after building a railway tunnel that's too small for trains to actually fit through.

The costly mistake was only discovered when inspectors measured the finished tunnel in the Polish capital, Warsaw, and realised the roof was so low that no trains would get under it.

Rail bosses claim the mix-up happened because workers who were laying new tracks didn't talk to the team that was building the tunnel.

"During work on the tunnel, tracks were laid down on newly-raised ground which meant the distance between the tracks and roof of the tunnel became shorter," said Polish Railways spokesman Marta Szklarek.

Wiveliscombe Representative of ARD (Association of Road Diggers) Mr Sharland commented

'I went to Poland last year to discuss how best we could delay traffic across Europe using Taunton as a template. After long talks with Hans Onmeknob I went to advise the poles how to lean on a shovel, drinking coffee whilst traffic backed up.

The cock-up is the latest in a series of public transport construction fiascoes in Poland.

A tunnel built recently to divert lorry traffic in Warsaw turned out to be too low for lorries.

Saturday, 9 August 2008

Aplin's win Dunster Castle Tickets

It appeas that Rob and Monica Aplin have gone a bit over the top after wining free tickets to Dunster Castle in the Wiveliscombe Rugby Club Fete Grand Draw.

It was suggested that he was dressed up as St George but I am not brave enough to say what that makes Monica..........

Friday, 1 August 2008


A man is being divorced by his wife after his penis extension snapped off during sex.

Doctors in Voronezh, southern Russia, had fitted the special prosthetic when Grigory Toporov, 47, told them he didn't measure up to his wife's expectations in the bedroom.But she was horrified when the extension broke off during a wild sex session.

"I told her I would get a new one but she wasn't having any of it. She said she was fed up with my failures in bed and wants a divorce," said Toporov.

His wife is now moving to Wellington, Somerset UK affter she heard a lot of big pricks live there.