Friday, 23 March 2007

Al Boredo take hostages

Terrorist from the group Al Boredo fighting for longer school holidays for school teachers have kidnapped fifty women drivers from Wiveliscombe and taken them hostage. The man behind this plot are thought to be the terrorist group leader Burin Bastardedo, and his deputies El Span Kum and Tumuch Timeoff (Pictured below).

Chief Inspector Dick Head of the local constabulary warned these men are known to be dangerous and can bore a classroom unconscious in minutes.

A spokesman from this group demanded a 10 million pound ransom fee, longer school holidays, chocolate biscuits in the staffroom and for anyone caught calling them boring to face the ultimate punishment which is to be forced to live in Wales.

If their demands are not met they are threatening to release one women driver hostage every hour on the hour from noon tomorrow until the ransom money is paid.

Monday, 19 March 2007

Crocodile Aplin

We can now exclusively reveal that Rob Aplin has been participating in the Australian reality program I'm A Camper Get Me Out Of Here (IACGMOOH).

To pay for this trip he has apparently he been collecting together all his air miles acquired of a Saturday afternoon.

We understand that he did a ' Bushtucker Trial' eating crocodile and kangaroo but said his biggest challenge was being stuck for hours driving a car across Australia the morning after his mate Lawrence had eaten a strong curry and having to use the ' dunny ' after him.

Said Rob " My bushtucker trial was nothing really, remember I have food after a 3rd team game at the rugby club "

His next ' Bushtucker Challenge' will be to have more that 5 pints after a game on a Saturday and not turn into a jibbering romantic wreck.

Club-themed funeral for Portsmouth fans

An undertaker is offering Portsmouth football fans a club-themed funeral.

Part of the £1,795 package includes a coffin painted in the club's blue-and-white colours.
The funeral cortege drives past Pompey's Fratton Park ground and mourners the option of a wake at the stadium.

According to the funeral director Lee Fletcher, 36, said: "This is a modern option for loyal supporters and I think both of them will like the idea. Many fans have died of boredom watching Pompey , its more dangerous than being on the touchline of a Wivey Ladies game"

Local pompey fan Omar Rawlings is yet to make a comment.

Sunday, 18 March 2007

Hand over wife to pay debt

A Romanian man has handed over his wife to a creditor as payment for his debts.

Emil Iancu, gave his wife Daniela to 72-year-old Jozef Justien Lostrie when he turned up on his doorstep to collect a £1,800 debt.

Iancu said: "I had no money to pay the debt and when I told Lostrie he said he would take my wife instead.I was scared of what he would do and so I signed a document saying Daniela would live with him."

But Daniela says the deal has proved better for her."Before I had to clean the house and look after our three children on my own, while Emil did nothing, but now I'm treated like a guest and hardly have to raise a finger," she said.

"I hear than many husbands in Wiveliscombe, England have tried to give away their wives to pay off debts but have instead had their debt cancelled and been piad money if they promise to keep them!"

Saturday, 10 March 2007

Counting Pizza

Whilst in the Bear last weekend I observed Martin Broom ordering a large pizza to take home. He appeared to be alone and the bar staff asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6.

He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces. I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."

Dead Bird

During a stoppage in the Wellington game Mike Phillips shouted.... "Look at that dead bird!" All the Wellington forwards looked up at the sky and said..."where???"