Thursday, 24 December 2009

'Twas The Night Before Christmas 2009

'Twas the night before Christmas
and all through the house
not a creature was stirring
except me and my spouse

All the presents were wrapped
the stockings full of stuff
my wife, she did sigh as she sat
'oh', I said, 'you think you have it rough'

The children were all nestled, snug in their beds
while I looked at the race track
and doll house boxes
my head full of dread

Tab A and slot B
soon filled my brain
I reached over to grab my beer
which I soon drained

When out on the street
there rose such a noise
there was some fat guy
and a big bag of toys

I ran to the window
my heart full of fear
I raised up the window
and threw up my beer

My eyes popped out
for what did I see?
a red Ford pick up
wrapped around our tree

On the hood were tied
eight reindeer, obviously dead
in front of the truck,
the fat guy, obviously out of his head

'Damn lights, damn flashers
damn snow all around
I knew I was gonna have an accident
drove it right into the ground'

I ran for the phone
to call 911
I knew this scene
was not going to be fun

As I started to dial
my wife said 'What's the matter?'
I looked out the window
The fat guy had a ladder

He set it on the side of the roof
and started to climb
he had nearly reached the top
when the cops arrived at the scene of the crime

He slipped on the ladder
and started to fall
'Won't someone catch me?'
he was heard to call

His boot got hooked
and flipped him upside down
as he hung by his toes
his bag hit the ground

I ran right on over
and gave him a grin
I pulled on the bag
and started dragging it in

'Just go ahead and take it'
he said with a sigh
'Just go ahead and leave me
hanging here to die'

The cops ran over
and helped him get down
as they snapped on the cuffs
one said 'What a fat clown'

I closed my door slowly
and then I shook with glee
I had to know what was in the bag
I just had to see

'I don't have to build that crap'
I was speaking to me
'I can take all this stuff
and stuff it under the tree!'

I looked at the goodies
and quickly lost my grin
as I read each package
my brain filled with chagrin

Each and ever box was marked
'Assembly Required'
I realized
I am going to be very tired

Monday, 21 December 2009

Save The Earth - Wivey's Carbon Footprint

Wivey's carbon footprint has doubled since Rob Aplin turned on his Christmas lights. It was thought that Rob also turned away climate camp protest only to find out that they were Wivey Young Farmers carol singers.

Ivors tips

Do You Want To Help Save The Environment and Reduce CO2 Emissions? How can you help save the environment and reduce CO2 emissions?

Humans exhale Carbon Dioxide (CO2) - Stop breathing !!

Thursday, 10 December 2009

''Dick Turpin,Ghouldilocks and the three bear drinkers'

WAMDRAM Wivey's new amateur drama group are about to stage its first production, the pantomime 'Dick Turpin',but after recent photographs appeared in the press someone suggested it should be called 'Dick Turpin,Ghouldilocks and the three bear drinkers'

Synopsis of our version of 'Dick Turpin'

In the scariest tale of the infamous Dick 'Andy Harvey' Turpin, highwayman, is brought to raucous life in this hilarious pantomime.

Many a new twist is brought to the much-loved Panto conventions; Dame Ghouldilocks (Paul Hopkins), the villain (Delwyn Evans) complete with dim-witted henchmen, (Richard Piercey), the beautiful girl (??????)and her beau are all here, as ever, but in a new and exciting setting with its fair share of surprises! The choice of songs will cater to all tastes, both young and old and especially the deaf.

When lovable rogue Dick Turpin realises that someone is out to tarnish his reputation by claiming he is using too much water, he himself goes undercover. He takes a job on Dame Ghouldilocks farm so he can track down the villain.

But on the farm he discovers a love triangle between farm-hands Dolly the pantomine Cow , Pork Scratchings the old sow and Smokey Bacon the confused sheep.

Please send your nominations for the above posts, but Stuart even I am not brave enough to say that about Mims!

Tuesday, 8 December 2009

Gordon Brown

Gordon Brown was visiting Wivey primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Mr. Brown if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'.

So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a 'tragedy.'

No, said Gordon - that would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy'

I'm afraid not, explained Gordon - that's what we would call great loss'

The room went silent. No other children volunteered Gordon searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand...

In a quiet voice he said: 'If a plane carrying you and Mr Darling was struck by a friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy.'

'Fantastic!' exclaimed Gordon. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?'

'Well,' says little Johnny 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a f*kc1ng accident either!

Thursday, 3 December 2009

Musgrove Park Hospital, Taunton, found noise levels on an average general medical ward exceeded 60dB

Ivors Comment -"What else would you expect with the Phillips family working there?"

Hospital wards across the NHS are breaking recommended noise limits, disturbing patients' sleep, well-being and recovery, experts say.

Two separate studies found the din of chattering visitors and loud mobile phones pushed noise levels well over recommended limits.

The World Health Organization says patients should not be exposed to noise above 35 decibels or a loud whisper.

But the UK researchers frequently recorded levels of 60dB to 90bB.

Researchers at Musgrove Park Hospital, Taunton, found noise levels on an average general medical ward exceeded 60dB most of the time, even at night.