Saturday, 31 January 2009

Binge drinking encouraged to beat recession

Martin Broome has called for pubs and clubs to stay open 24/7 to help the UK spend its way out of recession.

Speaking at the Wite Hart pub in Wiveliscombe he said "People drinking more alcohol will have a knock on effect in lots of ways, more money will be spent at the bar,which will lead to more jobs for council workers who will have to clean up vomit and urine from the streets, also hospitals will employ more staff in A&E. "

"The motor industry will also benifit as more drunks will crash their cars leading to an increase in new car sales."

Sunday, 25 January 2009

Ben Thain's Computer Clinic

Is your computer running really slowly? Has it been infected by a virus or spyware? Viruses, adware, spyware, worms, hackers, scams, phisher attacks and the list reasons to worry goes on and on.

All these can be real threats so Wivey 3rds have teamed up with Ben Thain to offers hints and tips and general trouble-shooting along with some common questions with your computer.
Please email your questions to or leave comments below:

So let's take a break and talk about some common questions that shouldn't worry you.

'My computer wont work'  - Mike Phillips, Kingsmed Close
Press the on / off  switch

'How do I email the Vicar' - M Boome, Silver Street
Dont bother your off to Hell anyway.

'Is internet shopping safe' - Anon, Wivey Ladies
Much safer than you driving to Taunton!

'I have been surfing internet porn and got a virus on this computer. How do I stop my mum from finding out?' - Anon. Wivey Under 15s
Don't worry you dad has been doing it as well!

'I have been surfing internet porn and got a virus on this computer. How do I stop my wife from finding out?' - Anon. Wivey 3rds
Blame it on your son !

'How do I sort out problems with my Excel Spreadsheet?' - Estate Agent, Wiveliscombe
Get a real job!

 'I have pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens.' - Kirtsy Bawden, Wivey Ladies
Thats the computer's mouse.

'Can you suggest a good website for me?' - M. Aplin, Church Street

And my dad?

'How can I upload pictures of my favorite sheep to my facebook account' - Jimmy, Wiveliscombe Young Farmers
You f*****g Sheepsagger

Saturday, 17 January 2009

Stuart Norman - Alcohol, wonder cure for everything.

New cure all for the masses gets the thumbs up. In breaking news today it was revealed that alcohol was the answer to all the worlds problems.

Top Wiveliscombe expert Stuart Norman said today, "I have been trying to find all sorts of answers to all sorts of problems when I just had enough."

"I drank 5 cans of Stella Artois and nothing mattered anymore" continued Mr Norman.

His published results revealed that after 6 or more cans he became more handsome, women looked more attractive, he could drive much faster and became incredibly hilarious.

Side effects also noted included a tendancy for violence, extreme nausea and the smell of stale piss.

"The side effects, although extreme, can be easily removed by another session on the lash."

Mike & Jackie Phillips recent skiing trip

We have exclusive pictures below of Mike & Jackie Phillips recent skiing trip.

Mike remarked they are taking the piste, "By the time I learned to stand up, I couldn't sit down."

Standard Assessment Tests (SATs) are too difficult

Standard Assessment Tests (SATs) are too difficult, say Britain's teachers,
who struggle to mark the papers.

The national union has called for the scrapping of all exams for children under 10 because of the pressure they put on teachers. Its got so bad that some teachers might have to cancel one of their skiing trips!

"We really struggle to mark the exams, because we don't have the time and don't know the answers. " said teaching spokesperson Ivan O'Level.

" When we went to school, no one corrected our spelling, made us do our homework or taught us to add up without using our fingers, so why should we be expected to know the answers to these exams?

"How can we mark the papers if we don't know what marks to give? Not only that, we struggle to add up the number of questions the children have got right."

Ted Todd, a junior minister at the Department for Children, Schools and Families, said it is a disgrace that teachers are not clever enough to teach children. "Something should be done," he said, "to ensure that today's children do not grow up to be tomorrow's stupid and uneducated teachers."

Thursday, 1 January 2009

Church Expulsion

Martin 'Steptoe' Broome was thrown out of church during this year Christmas Eve might mass service. After interrupting the Vicar sermon and lecturing him on charity begins at home and unmarried mothers, Martin was escorted out the St Andrews door.

We can not fully understand why he was in the church whilst the pub were open - Perhaps he was planning a wedding?

When questioned about the incident he commented " I hear hell is like cross between Pete Thompson's classroom and my toilet after Graham's been in there, but at least its warm this time of year"

Ivor's Comment:

A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.

She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!"

The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Man, I'm on the wrong bus!"