'Twas the night before Christmas
and all through the house
not a creature was stirring
except me and my spouse
All the presents were wrapped
the stockings full of stuff
my wife, she did sigh as she sat
'oh', I said, 'you think you have it rough'
The children were all nestled, snug in their beds
while I looked at the race track
and doll house boxes
my head full of dread
Tab A and slot B
soon filled my brain
I reached over to grab my beer
which I soon drained
When out on the street
there rose such a noise
there was some fat guy
and a big bag of toys
I ran to the window
my heart full of fear
I raised up the window
and threw up my beer
My eyes popped out
for what did I see?
a red Ford pick up
wrapped around our tree
On the hood were tied
eight reindeer, obviously dead
in front of the truck,
the fat guy, obviously out of his head
'Damn lights, damn flashers
damn snow all around
I knew I was gonna have an accident
drove it right into the ground'
I ran for the phone
to call 911
I knew this scene
was not going to be fun
As I started to dial
my wife said 'What's the matter?'
I looked out the window
The fat guy had a ladder
He set it on the side of the roof
and started to climb
he had nearly reached the top
when the cops arrived at the scene of the crime
He slipped on the ladder
and started to fall
'Won't someone catch me?'
he was heard to call
His boot got hooked
and flipped him upside down
as he hung by his toes
his bag hit the ground
I ran right on over
and gave him a grin
I pulled on the bag
and started dragging it in
'Just go ahead and take it'
he said with a sigh
'Just go ahead and leave me
hanging here to die'
The cops ran over
and helped him get down
as they snapped on the cuffs
one said 'What a fat clown'
I closed my door slowly
and then I shook with glee
I had to know what was in the bag
I just had to see
'I don't have to build that crap'
I was speaking to me
'I can take all this stuff
and stuff it under the tree!'
I looked at the goodies
and quickly lost my grin
as I read each package
my brain filled with chagrin
Each and ever box was marked
'Assembly Required'
I realized
I am going to be very tired
