Anyone wanting to grow a beard or moustache will have to first obtain planning permission if new anti-terrorism legislation announced today becomes law.
Potential terrorists, yesterday
The strict new controls on facial hair are scheduled to come into force in Wiveliscombe, following the observation by an unnamed government minister that "terrorist chappies are a right bunch of hairy buggers, aren't they?"
Though critics have condemned the proposals as unfairly discriminating against even law abiding beardies, supporters of the move have pointed out that out that most goaties and taches look twatish any way
When and if the new legislation is introduced, it is believed that terrorist numbers will be kept to a minimum by the systematic turning down of all applications made by twats weirdos, loners and "persons of an ethnic persuasion".