Saturday, 21 July 2007

Most young people in Wivey spend their lives drunk.

Figures published today have shown that most 17-25 year olds in Wivey spend their lives drunk.

"This is a terrible state of affairs", said a young person spokesperson Andy Ware. "I remember the days when I spent the weekend whacked off my brain on other things apart from just alcohol. I think they are mad to put all their eggs in one basket. They should try to spread their substance abuse about a bit more to prevent addiction to one thing."

Doctors have said that the rise in alcopops and sweet cider encourage young people to drink. A spokesman for the campaign for under age drinking tried to tell us that this was rubbish but instead told us that we were his best mates and would we like some of his kebab.

After presenting the picture above as evidence to Macyla Aplin she claimed

"Well they do say I take after my father! And I'm not admitting to being a lightweight, I just had a hard game that day!"

Here we see Martina Aplin using the latest youth drinking accessory. This useful drink and sickness spilage device can be used to pevent staining of clothing after consumption of too much alcohol.

Police chiefs have said that most of their officers have found more than 100% of arrests are of youngsters driving whilst under the influence."They're always pissed and stoned and most of them are dealers but we are planning to crackdown on these rogue officers" said a member of the Wiveliscombe Constabulary.

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