The State of the Country !

Message On The M5

It has been suggested to me that it was Richard Peircey who was driving this lorry up the M5 this morning.

Man 'Targeted By Green Aliens' Sent To Asylum

A Wiveliscombe man whose home has been hit an incredible five times by meteorites believes he is being targeted by aliens.



Experts are now investigating local magnetic fields to try and work out what makes him so attractive to big green men.

But Mr F, who has had a steel girder reinforced door and roof put on the house he rents has an alternative explanation.


He said: "I am obviously being targeted by extraterrestrials. I don't know what I have done to annoy them but there is no other explanation that makes sense. The chance of being hit by a meteorite is so small that getting hit five times has to be deliberate.

The strikes always happen when the pubs close and it is raining heavily, never when there are clear skies.He said: "I did not know what the strange-looking creatures were at first but I am being targeted by aliens. They are playing games with me. I don't know why they are doing this. When it rains I can't sleep for worrying about another strike."

Wivey 3rds 48 Chard 3rds 5

With Omar Rawlings off watching Portsmouth scrape though to the FA Cup final and Lee Milton Fyffe doing a late newspaper round Wivey struggled to raise a team for the 1pm start. This was compounded by Mike Phillips not arriving until half time but not may people noticed.

Playing up the slope in the first half Wivey struggled with the swirling wind and bad handling and only manged to score one try through Rob Stone breaking fron inside his own half, which was converted by Ross Porter leaving the half time score 7 - 0.


In the second half Wivey's handling improved and they made the most of their possession and the slope. Rob Stone completed a hat trick of tries, and Dave Huxtable, Baz Lockyer, Fly half Jamie and Matt Green also score tries. Prop Chris Roud also scores a try in the corner at at the end of the game and after several pints he was wondering if he was needed at work.

Ross Porter converted four leaving the score at the final whistle 48 - 5

In the bar afterwards the usual fines were toilet brushes and Ross Porter unsuccessfully tried to convince the twat that his wife cleaned the toilet with his toothbrush

Plan a bank raid - students told

Students are being asked to plan a bank robbery for an assignment. They have to work out how to rob a bank with a team of six within seven minutes, reports Information Times.

They have to come up with a robbery action plan for a team comprising a leader, a lock breaker, a driver, two robbers and a gunman.

The school teacher who came up with the assignment after watching the twat rob Wivey 3rds weekly, says it's aimed at teaching students how to allocate resources economically and efficiently.

"Students majoring in the arts usually do not have the training in thinking deliberately that students majoring in science do. So this also trains their thinking ability," he said.
The assignment involves teams of five or six students, with each team having to make its own presentation.

One student said: "We've never taken an assignment as seriously as this one. On our team, each person came up with a plan, and we picked the best one. We even timed ourselves on the college grounds."

The teacher who came up with the idea doesn't think the assignment will encourage students to rob a bank for real: "They're adults, and know what's right and wrong," he added.

Up and Underwater

No I am not talking about Mike Phillips retrieving his golf balls at Cedar Falls golf course !

Switzerland has started an underwater rugby competition with dozens of teams signed up for the new sport.The Swiss Underwater Sports Union says it's been flooded with requests from people wanting to learn the game.

It is now organising introduction days for newcomers. Underwater rugby is a six-a-side game for both men and women who are equipped with flippers, a snorkel and goggles.

The ball is filled with salt water and weighs 13lbs, and the aim of each team is to place it in the basket of the opposing team on the ground of the swimming pool. Players have to come to the surface to breathe.

Jan Maisenbacher of the Swiss Underwater Sports Union says: "Underwater rugby is the only three-dimensional sport."

The game was first developed in Germany to help train divers and has become the new hit sport on the continent this year.

One sunny afternoon Superman was out flying around. Crime was slow that day, so he decided to go over to Spiderman's house. Supe: "Hey Spidey, let's go get a burger and a beer!".


Spidey: "No can do, Supe. I've got a problem with my Web-shooter. Can't fight crime tomorrow without it".

So Superman heads over to the Bat Cave to see what's up. Supe: "Hey, Batman! Let's go get a burger and a beer!". Batman: "Not today, my friend. My BatMobile is down and it must be fixed today. Can't fight crime tomorrow without it".

Disgruntled, Superman takes to the air, cruising around the skies when he flies over a penthouse apartment. And what to his SuperVision does he see, but none other than WonderWoman, lying on the deck, spread-eagle, stark-naked! Supe gets a brilliant idea: "They've always said I'm faster than a speeding bullet and I've always wondered what she'd be like with all her Wonder Powers". So he zzoooooommms down and does her in a flash and is gone before anyone can notice. All of a sudden WonderWoman sits up and says, "What was that!?!". Then the Invisible Man gets off her and replies, "I don't know but it hurt like hell!"

Camel Beauty Pageant

A beauty pageant is being held in Abu Dhabi - for camels.Ten thousand camels will compete against each other with the chance of their owners winning more than £4m in prize money and up to 100 cars and other prizes to be won.

Camels from Bahrain, Kuwait, Oman, Qatar and Saudi Arabia will take part in the competition. The contest is part of the Mazayin Dhafra festival, with a panel of expert camel appreciators from Brompton Ralph will be judging each age group.

The ruler of Abu Dhabi, Sheikh Khalifa bin Zayed, has sponsored the event in its six years, reports BBC online.

After the contest there wil be an auction where some of you might like to see how many camels you can get for your partners and wives.

Fair Exchange??

Colts Suffer Trauma After Listening to Wivey Ladies CD

WARNING

The 'Wivey Ladies Sing Karaoke ' cd is a lethal killer. If found do not attempt to listen to it ! Call Scotland Yard's Anti Terrorist Unit immediately.

Basil Brush racist?

Basil Brush is at the centre of a police investigation after an allegation that an episode of the programme was racist to gypsies.

A complaint was made after an episode of the BBC show featured a gypsy character selling pegs and lucky heather and a joke about a fortune teller stealing Basil's wallet.

Gypsies from Kinsmead Close, Wiveliscombe reported the show to the Police alleging that the storyline is racist towards their community and way of life.

Michael Phillips, vice-chairman of the South West Romany, gypsy and Irish Traveller Network, called on the BBC to pull the episode and give travellers the same protection and respect they give to other ethnic minorities.

"They need to realise that gypsies and travellers are a recognised ethnic minority in this country and deserve the same treatment as any other group," he said.

"To perpetuate this myth about gypsies and travellers is wrong. Attitudes like this belong 20 or 30 years ago, we are supposed to have moved on since then.

"If they are going to keep showing this then I look forward to them bringing back the likes of Alf Garnett to the screen."

The BBC refused to comment on the situation, with a spokesman saying the matter was now in the hands of the police.

A spokesman for the Police said: "We can confirm we have received a complaint about a TV show featuring Basil Brush from a member of the public.

"The complaint was logged as an incident of a racist nature and we are now investigating."

Lookalikes

Wivey 3rds Join Facebook

Why I should not have got so pissed after playing for, or at Wivey Rugby Club!

Type:Sports & Recreation - Recreational Sports
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Excuse for speeding

I hear that Charlotte Phillips was pulled over on for speeding on the Taunton Road last week. When asked for her driver's license, she argued, "Speeding??? But officer, I was only trying to keep a safe distance between my car the and the car behind me."

Tiverton 3rds 0 Wivey 3rds 22

With skipper Rob Aplin away on holiday it was left to Mike Phillips to leave his golf and fishing alone to rally the troops this week. With many players unavailable this was not an easy task for him but thanks to several colts who stepped in at the last minute, to everyone's surprise he managed to count up to 15.


On a cold windy afternoon in Devon, Wivey started the game well but despite lots of pressure in the early stages failed to score. Tiverton responded well and began to put pressure on in the scrum and loose play and for a while the game was evenly matched. Credit must go to Wivey colts Matt Ellis and Graham Broom in the front row up against a very experienced Tiverton front row.

Midway through the first half Wivey finally scored after a series of passes out wide Dave Huxtable ran in to score a try in the corner. This was soon followed by a series of forward phases and the ball went out wide for winger Omar ' Hair Gel' Rawlings to score. Both tries went unconverted and the half time score was 10 - 0.




In the second half Wivey continued to pile on the pressure and big Dave ' Steamroller' Brant ran over and past several Tiverton players to make a 25yd break. From the following ruck the ball was passed out to Ben Parnell to score under the posts. He also converted this try of which he repeatedly reminded us all evening. At 17 - 0 the result was not in doubt and Wivey relaxed for a while and Tiverton's tackling prevented more tries. Near the end Dave Brant finished off a forward move to score Wivey's fourth try to make the final score 22 - 0.

Once again another good satisfying performance on a cold, windy afternoon

Green Fingers

No matter how hard my Tommy tries, every plant or flower he has attempted to grow seems to wither and die an untimely death under his care. But he never gives up hope.

Whilst visiting his home recently, a friend pointed to a line of new plants that Tommy had placed by the kitchen bay window.

“Look,” she whispered,“death row.”

Twit & Twoo

After Farmer Dave's and Dr Dave's really bad Teat Owl joke this weekend I think we have a new nickname for them - Twit & Twoo

A message for the Welsh

For all you Welsh people in the Bear Saturday evening !!

Thomo's Carbon Footprint

After a recent environmental project it is understood that Pete Thompson intends to reduce his Carbon Footprint by eating less baked beans in Whelan's of a Saturday morning.

Spokesperson for Fiends of the Earth, Martin Broom commented

' I was prepared to hold the bottom of the ladder whilst activists climbed on Thomo's roof with banners. I am pleased to say this will not be necessary and we will now target Stuart ' Mr Methane' Norman'

Boss bans smelly undies

The boss of a Wellington company has banned staff from coming into work with dirty underwear.

Rob Aplin said: "I am fed up with people with poor personal hygiene standards. I have now made it a sackable offence for people to come in without having a shower,- or with dirty underwear."

He has also banned staff from smelling after eating garlic or curry - warning that they need to make sure they brush their teeth - and use perfume and deodorant.

Mr Aplin, who runs a garage in Rockwell Green, sent out an official memo to all employees demanding they adopt good standards of personal hygiene especially in his garage lavatory where hideous smells are left regularly.

The memo warned all employees to make sure they brush their teeth, take showers regularly, flush the staff toilet and change their underpants every day.

He did not say how he would make sure his clean underpants rule was followed but warned it would be enforced.

Court bans crotch-grabbing

The Italian supreme court has outlawed men from touching their genitals in public. Crotch-grabbing is an ancient superstitious habit in Italy that is believed to ward off the evil eye.


It's traditional for men to do it if passed by a hearse or when discussing serious illness or disasters.

However, the supreme court ruled that a 42-year-old man from Como had broken the law by "ostentatiously touching his genitals through his clothing".
His lawyers said he had a "compulsive, involuntary movement" because of uncomfortable overalls.


But the court ruled his behaviour was an "act contrary to public decency" and said the law "required everyone to abstain from conduct that is potentially offensive to collectively held feelings of decorum".

The man was fined £1520 and ordered to pay £760 in costs, reports the Daily Telegraph.

Judges pointed out that if men needed to grab their crotches, they should wait until they were in the privacy of their own home.

It is now understood that a local group of school teachers have cancelled their sky trip to Italy after hearing this news, and will be going to Poland instead.

104-year-old sprinter

Bloody hell ! He is faster that most of the 3rd team

A 104-year-old South African man has set a new world record for the 100 metre race.
Phillip Rabinowitz, from Cape Town, is now officially the world's fastest centenarian sprinter, reports the Daily Mirror.

He finished the 100 metres in 30.86 seconds, knocking more than five seconds off the previous best.

It's not quite the 9.74 seconds set by Asafa Powell in 2007 but Phil is 80 years older than the world record holder.

Phillip said: "I've always run and walked everywhere because when I was a kid there weren't any cars."

Hulk, Bulk or Giant ?

Yes you had better believe it!

Stuart Norman in fancy dress as the Incredible Hulk but does this character suit him. We would like to conduct a survey and ask the question:

Stuart Norman looks like the:

1...Incredible Hulk

2...Incredible Bulk

3...Jolly Green Giant

Answers to wivey3rds@hotmail.com

Moments of Love

Wivey Studios production 'Moments of Love' is a 2007 romance film hailed as one of the best love stories ever made. The film's exceptional visuals and storytelling helped the movie to earn praises from movie critics. It is also been praised for its stunning musical scoring, with popular entertainers Bruce Keay and Martin Broome acting in the movie as well as singing the movie's themesong.

It is a classic romantic tale between two people and the story revolves around a strange attraction that begins when they first speak with each other. Together they fill the emptiness they have always known all their lives.

In a sleepy town, time curves for two people to meet and part. In the end, all that is left are their Moments of Love.

Rocky's top six signs that you are too drunk

Here are Rocky's top ten signs that you are too drunk

1. You spent more time on the floor than you do standing up.
2. You can focus better with one eye closed.
3. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth.
4. You don't recognize your partner unless seen through bottom of glass.
5. The whole bar including Andy Ware greets you when you come in.
6. Mike Philips looks good.

Murder Most Foul ??

Here we see a family gathering at Tony Lockyer's 50th birthday party with everyone in fancy dress. Food and karaoke was provided at Wivey Rugby Club for all present to eat and sing. Can you guess the fancy dress - Marilyn Monroe ? Gangster? Scotsman?

Well if you had heard them on karaoke Saturday evening you would have thought Marilyn Manson, Helvis Pressley, Dr Crippen and Ted Bundy was more appropriate the way several songs were murdered.

Martina Aplins Top 5 Signs That You May Be a Bad Driver

I looks like Martina Aplin is now using the public transport after her recent car accident.



Here are Martina's Top 5 tips that you may be a bad driver

1. Every time your cell phone rings while you're putting on makeup, you spill your wine, drop your DS and drive up the rear of the car in front of you.

2. The other day, you ran right into the garage door -- and it was *up* at the time.

3. The Police have memorized your date of birth, licence number, home address, and car registration plate number.

4. You see more middle fingers than a manicurist.

5. You have a reserved parking space with your name on it outside the Magistrates Court.

Soldier returns from leave a woman

An army officer called went on holiday leave - and came back as a woman called Jasmin.

Aparantly this is quite common for people taking leave or leaving HM Forces and can be blamed on stress of the war in places like Iraq and Afganistan

The 26-year-old captain took three months leave after complaining of stress, and had a sex change operation before returning to barracks.

Other officers and soldiers were reportedly shocked when Jasmin, whose full name has not been revealed by the army, came back.

But senior army staff have decided Jasmin can keep her old job and will not be demoted.

Defence Ministry officials have also accepted the decision by Jasmin, to have a sex change.

A press spokesperson for the MOD, said: "We accept this very personal decision."

A soldier at the barracks told the media: "Everybody has a weird feeling about it: a colleague leaving the building as a man and returning as a woman after his holiday is more than a bit strange. We will have to wait and see if this leads to problems."

Boy Gets Stuck In Mum's Handcuffs

An boy from Lion D'anger had to be freed by firefighters after getting stuck in a pair of handcuffs he found in his mum's bedroom.

Firefighters took the schoolboy to Wivey Fire Station to be freed with industrial metal cutters.The cuffs were described as made of "hardened steel" and not meant as a toy, reports The Wivey News.

Firefighter Daryl Smith said: "The little boy came to the fire station with his grandmother and had the cuffs hanging from one wrist.

"Before we released him I asked if he was on the run from the police but he assured me he wasn't. And then his grandmother said he'd found the cuffs in his mother's bedroom.

"She immediately realised what she'd said and put her hand over her mouth. It's beyond my wildest imagination why someone would keep handcuffs in their bedroom!"

Wivey Ladies Latest Picture

Puzzle

Apparently last week in the Bear, Martin Broome said to his son Eggy: 'You know that jigsaw puzzle I was doing son? You will never guess - I've finished it and only took me 6 months! '

Eggy replied ' Well dad what's so good about 6 months ??? '

Martin Broome responded: 'on the box it said 3 to 6 years'