Please do not approach - Make sure that you don't become just another crime statistic.
Monday, 1 May 2006
Crimewatch Appeal
Do you recognise anyone from this group photo taken by the local Police? If so please inform crimewatch@wivey3rds.co.uk immediately with details.
Please do not approach - Make sure that you don't become just another crime statistic.
Please do not approach - Make sure that you don't become just another crime statistic.
Friday, 21 April 2006
Serious Scientific Research
A team of researchers are celebrating hardly at all following their recent discovery of "the most boring substance in the known universe".
Scientists have known for many years that some chemical elements possess far more interesting properties than others though it's only relatively recently that "hyper-tedious substances" have become the focus of serious scientific research.
Early attempts to synthesize such substances were hampered by the problem of containment: Exposure to just a few atoms can result in a lab technician not being arsed to finish the experiment.
These researchers claim this substance could spread like a virus and suggest that people are at most risk when in conversation with a publican , teacher or estate agent.
If you find yourself exposed to this risk Government advice is to protect yourself by changing the topic of conversation to much more interesting material such as sport , women or whatever currently happening on East Enders.
Scientists have known for many years that some chemical elements possess far more interesting properties than others though it's only relatively recently that "hyper-tedious substances" have become the focus of serious scientific research.
Early attempts to synthesize such substances were hampered by the problem of containment: Exposure to just a few atoms can result in a lab technician not being arsed to finish the experiment.
These researchers claim this substance could spread like a virus and suggest that people are at most risk when in conversation with a publican , teacher or estate agent.
If you find yourself exposed to this risk Government advice is to protect yourself by changing the topic of conversation to much more interesting material such as sport , women or whatever currently happening on East Enders.
Saturday, 1 April 2006
New Terrorist Laws
Anyone wanting to grow a beard or moustache will have to first obtain planning permission if new anti-terrorism legislation announced today becomes law.
Potential terrorists, yesterday
The strict new controls on facial hair are scheduled to come into force in Wiveliscombe, following the observation by an unnamed government minister that "terrorist chappies are a right bunch of hairy buggers, aren't they?"
Though critics have condemned the proposals as unfairly discriminating against even law abiding beardies, supporters of the move have pointed out that out that most goaties and taches look twatish any way
When and if the new legislation is introduced, it is believed that terrorist numbers will be kept to a minimum by the systematic turning down of all applications made by twats weirdos, loners and "persons of an ethnic persuasion".
Potential terrorists, yesterday
The strict new controls on facial hair are scheduled to come into force in Wiveliscombe, following the observation by an unnamed government minister that "terrorist chappies are a right bunch of hairy buggers, aren't they?"
Though critics have condemned the proposals as unfairly discriminating against even law abiding beardies, supporters of the move have pointed out that out that most goaties and taches look twatish any way
When and if the new legislation is introduced, it is believed that terrorist numbers will be kept to a minimum by the systematic turning down of all applications made by twats weirdos, loners and "persons of an ethnic persuasion".
Sheep Olympics
Following the success of the recent Wiveliscombe Young Farmers Sheep Olympics, the IOC is giving consideration for calls to make sheep shagging an official Olympic event.
Huw Chaser, head of the IOC steering committee and Welsh representative admitted that colleagues have been studying video tapes of the YFC event. Wivey YFC spokesperson & expert Alec Brand said, " With synchronised swimming and ballroom dancing now part of the Olympic curriculum, it may only be a matter of time before sheep shagging is recognised as a genuine sport".
GARDENERS WORLD. Is this picture proof that Martin Broome was seen working in Kingsmead Close last week?
Huw Chaser, head of the IOC steering committee and Welsh representative admitted that colleagues have been studying video tapes of the YFC event. Wivey YFC spokesperson & expert Alec Brand said, " With synchronised swimming and ballroom dancing now part of the Olympic curriculum, it may only be a matter of time before sheep shagging is recognised as a genuine sport".
GARDENERS WORLD. Is this picture proof that Martin Broome was seen working in Kingsmead Close last week?
Sad News About Beer
Yesterday Wivey scientists claimed that the results of a recent test had revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, and advised men should take a long hard look at their beer consumption. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.
To test the theory Thomo , Rocky , Jimmy Beale, Bruce Keay ,Daryl Smith and Mike Phillips were fed 8 pints of beer each within a one hour period.
It was then observed that they all gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, had to sit down while urinating, couldn't perform sexually, and refused to apologize when wrong.
No further testing is planned
To test the theory Thomo , Rocky , Jimmy Beale, Bruce Keay ,Daryl Smith and Mike Phillips were fed 8 pints of beer each within a one hour period.
It was then observed that they all gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, had to sit down while urinating, couldn't perform sexually, and refused to apologize when wrong.
No further testing is planned
Tuesday, 21 March 2006
Andy Ware's Comeback
Andy Ware's recent rugby comeback that lasted five minutes was blamed on passive coffee inhalation that sobered him up .
Recent research has revealed that many people are in danger of inhaling coffee vapours that often contain a lot of caffeine. Mr Mike Phillips a medical professional said "This is known as Second Hand Caffeine."
Andy is now try to get the Bear to set aside a "Non Caffeine Section" for those of us who don't want to suffer the effects of inhaling "Second Hand Caffeine." He claims that customers could unknowingly suffer from withdrawal the following day, even though they didn't drink any decaffeinated coffee!
This is a potentially serious health problem and should not be taken lightly. Contact your health professional if you believe you are at risk
Recent research has revealed that many people are in danger of inhaling coffee vapours that often contain a lot of caffeine. Mr Mike Phillips a medical professional said "This is known as Second Hand Caffeine."
Andy is now try to get the Bear to set aside a "Non Caffeine Section" for those of us who don't want to suffer the effects of inhaling "Second Hand Caffeine." He claims that customers could unknowingly suffer from withdrawal the following day, even though they didn't drink any decaffeinated coffee!
This is a potentially serious health problem and should not be taken lightly. Contact your health professional if you believe you are at risk
Sunday, 12 March 2006
Wivey Ladies Lates Opponents
We have been given an exclusive on Wivey ladies latest opponents, Mambie and Asato the Western Lowland Gorillas from Paignton Zoo.Zoo spokesman Phil Knowling said: "They really have fun, but they can play rough. Their ball-juggling skills are pretty impressive, but they did bite each other and the ball occasionally, which is not generally considered good practice in a rugby game, but that's enough about Wivey ladies the gorillas behaved impeccable"
A Wivey ladies spokesperson commented " That it was unusual to play against anyone with hairier legs than most of the Wivey ladies three-quarters " and another has emailed me pointing out Asato the gorilla's resemblance to Stuart Norman.
Saturday, 15 October 2005
Lethal Weapon
Tommy Acock can be seen under going therapy in Wivey rugby club after
recently attempting to run amok in the clubhouse with a loaded finger. Tommy later blamed it on the stress of being Wivey 3rds funny man and having to find new material every week. If you think that's stress Tommy just think we have to pretend your jokes are funny and laugh at them, now that's what we call stressful
recently attempting to run amok in the clubhouse with a loaded finger. Tommy later blamed it on the stress of being Wivey 3rds funny man and having to find new material every week. If you think that's stress Tommy just think we have to pretend your jokes are funny and laugh at them, now that's what we call stressful
Wednesday, 1 June 2005
Wednesday, 11 May 2005
Thomo Dad Dancing
Wivey's Strictly Come Dancing judges Rocky and Mike Phillips are seen here giving their score after Pete Thompson's 'dad dancing' performance of the oscillating Orang utan .Thomo claimed' The marking was incredulous and incomprehensible and that his omnipotent like performance captivated the audience'. The judges did not capitulate though.
You might have heard of the funky chicken but here Thomo shows us the latest dance craze to hit Wivey rugby club, the oscillating orang utan.
You might have heard of the funky chicken but here Thomo shows us the latest dance craze to hit Wivey rugby club, the oscillating orang utan.
Tuesday, 10 May 2005
Blue Peter Recycling Appeal.
Over 60% of the average household dustbin can be recycled, so why not follow our easy recycling tips to make your house the greenest in the street.
*Recycle your old dirty magazines and videos by passing them on to your neighbour
*Recycle female clothing and old jock straps by passing them on to the Village people via Jimmy Beale
*Take your garden waste to the local compost tip at Wellington rugby field
*Get your wives, daughter to pick up the pieces after they damage your car
*Recycle your old dirty magazines and videos by passing them on to your neighbour
*Recycle female clothing and old jock straps by passing them on to the Village people via Jimmy Beale
*Take your garden waste to the local compost tip at Wellington rugby field
*Get your wives, daughter to pick up the pieces after they damage your car
Joe Ward gets his Blue Pete badge and shows us how to recycle and finds another excellent use for a KFC bargain bucket
Monday, 11 April 2005
Latest News From The Piste
AND THE CRAPPER !!
DODGY TIKKA. John Darlow was found at the bottom of his stairs after eating a curry late Saturday night. Chinese restaurant owner He Dun Pooh suggested that John might have been in a korma but also said he could also have had a dodgy Tikka. The next day over consumption of alcohol was found to be the problem and his Naan was revisiting him hourly. So too is his Popadom and his Momodom.
Tuesday, 1 February 2005
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