THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Anaesthetist
4. Cinnamon
5. Chrysanthemum

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Specificity
2. Rhipidistian-Amphibian Transition
3. Anti-constitutionalistically
4. Transubstantiate
5. Sphygmomanometer

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

01. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex. (Wivey Colts)
02. Nope, no more booze for me. (Andy Ware)
03. Sorry, but you're not really my type. (Martin Broome)
04. Mac Donalds? No thanks, I'm not hungry. (Stuart Norman)
05. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight? (Rock)
06. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing karaoke. (Wivey Ladies)
07. I'm not interested in fighting you. (Mike Philips)
08. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool. (Rob Aplin)
09. Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to hurl in the street. (Daryl Smith)
10. I must be going home now as I have work in the morning. (Bloody Lying School Teachers)

Michael Eavis: Glastonbury Goers Are Too Old

Michael Eavis believes that there were too many old people at this year’s Glastobury Festival.
The farmer wants to attract a younger audience to the Worthy Farm extravaganza, saying that the 2007 crowd was too “middle-class” and too “respectable.”


He told the Metro: “We’re trying to get the youngsters back – the 16, 17 and 18 year-olds - because numbers were down this year. People say we’re getting middle class, which is stretching it a bit far, but we’re attracting a lot more people in their 30s and 40s.”

Mr Eavis continued: “These kids add so much to the flavour of it and should have a lot of fun but we’re getting the 30 and 40-year-olds in, which changes the character of it.
"The demographic is changing and it’s slightly worrying. We might lose the fascination the show has for the public.

"The people who now come have the right attitude, they grin and bear the mud. They’re fantastically well mannered and polite, and respectable, but they do change the nature of the show."

However, Eavis admitted that the problem was partly Glastonbury’s fault with the complicated ticketing system they employ.

He added that internet users are "likely to be older people, with the money for the fast connections.




"By selling 40% of tickets through phone lines, kids will be able to use their mobile phones to get tickets."

Ode to Martin Broome

Positive proof that Martin Broome does do some work:

I'm the farmer's scarecrow, I scare away the birds,

I keep the farmer's corn safe without any words.

But when Halloween comes I jump out of the ground

And scare the boys and girls when they come walking 'round.

Binge drinking adults 'are normal'

Many children think adults who binge drink are behaving normally, according to a new survey. The study questioned 15 seventeen to 50 year-old children who play for Wiveliscombe 3rd team about their perceptions of adult alcohol consumption

A third questioned by researchers said they believed five or more glasses of wine in one night was normal for adults. More than a quarter of children thought drinking four pints of beer in an evening was usual. 60% told researchers people drink alcohol to forget about their problems.

Stephen Burgess, National Director of Life Education said: "As educationalists, health workers, the media, advertisers or simply parents we must take these results seriously and consider carefully the messages we are sending out.

"We need to look at what role models we wish to provide and to make sure children understand that a healthy life does not involve excessive drinking, unless your a school teacher on an inset day"

Last month it emerged more than one of these children are seen in hospital at least five days a week and others on a regular basis with alcohol-related problems. For example: returning home pissed to their wives and partners. .

First photos of uncontacted tribe

Painted warriors from one of Brazil's last uncontacted tribes have been photographed for the first time.

They were spotted in Brazil's far western Amazon jungle near the Peruvian border.

The photos were taken on flights over the Ethno-Environmental Protected Area along the Envira River in the remote Acre state, the National Indian Foundation or Funai said.

The photos show "strong and healthy" warriors, six huts and a large planted area. It is not known to which tribe they belong but they are thought to be related to the Aplin and Lockyer families.

Funai does not make contact with the Indians and prevents invasions of their land, to ensure total autonomy for the isolated tribes, Funai said.

"We did the overflight to show tribe's houses, to show they are there, to show they exist," said Mr Meirelles.

"This is very important because there are some who doubt their existence."

UK based charity Survival International said the Indians are in danger from illegal logging in Peru.

This is driving uncontacted tribes over the border and could lead to conflict with the estimated 500 uncontacted Indians now living on the Brazilian side.

There are more than 100 uncontacted tribes worldwide, most of them in Brazil and Peru or Wellington, the group said.

Survival director Stephen Corry called for their territory to be protected by international law.

Wivey And North Kingsmead Expeditionary Regiment

In the above video we can see the Wivey And North Kingsmead Expeditionary Regiment training on the West Somerset coastline. This unit or WANKER's as they are more commonly known have been put through their paces by former Marines Omar Rawlings and Delwyn Evans.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q5sHcXRec_I

Once fully active this unit Will be sent to do peace keeping duties in Kingsmead Close and The Square as well as sheep protection at Brompton Ralph.

Next Years Eurovision Song Contest result announced ahead of event

The result of next years Eurovision Song Contest has been announced ahead of the competition being held, with the winning song from the UK gaining the highest number of 12 point votes.

"I wear the trousers", to be sung by Wivey Ladies representing the UK, will sweep the boards at this year's event, despite the block voting that will occur from former Communist Russian states.

The song which will come second,"Flump Phat Pharg", sung by a goat herder from Mont Blanc, accompanied by an orchestra comprised solely of black-headed seagulls , will be only 32 votes behind.

An ecstatic Sir Terrence of Woganshire takes up the story:

"I genuinely think both the mummified group of lute musicians from Pompei who are representing Italy with "My alphabeti spaghetti" and the bicycle representing Malta may do better.

"I also feel the entry from Afganistan is a little out of place, and "Boom Bang a Bang" by Osama and the Tallytubbies is frankly in very bad taste."

Stamping down on crime

A Wivey shopkeeper has been warned that he could be jailed for his unusual way of dealing with shoplifters.He said police were doing little to prevent shoplifters targeting his shop so he told thieves he'd call the police unless they gave him one of their shoes.

But police told him his punishment counted as robbery, whereas shoplifting was merely a misdemeanour.

"I give them the choice. I say, 'I'm either going to call the cops or you give me one of your shoes'," Mr Milton Fyffe told The Wivey Mirror.

"They're too humiliated to come back and ask for their shoe, and that also means they won't steal again."

But PC Dick Head of Wivey Constabulary said: "I would suggest that he find a different option that doesn't involve giving up property. "What's the difference between him saying, 'Give me £20 and I won't call the police' or 'Give me your shoe?'"

Mr Milton Fyffe has denied having a shoe fetish and has reluctantly agreed to abide by the police warning: "It was a good try, but I'll have to figure something else out," he said.

BID - Balamory is Disturbing

CBeebies programme Balamory has been switched to Channel 4 and will now be aired at 10.00pm after complaints from concerned parents that it was disturbing.

The fictional fishing village has what can only be described as having alternative characters.


Spokesperson for BID (Balamory is Disturbing) James Beale said 'I was shocked when I came home from work to see my children watching this programme as to be blunt; it scared the shit out of me. If that's not the Wicker Man then I don't know what is?'

Beale continued, 'From what I saw, you have a chap who resides in a pink castle and makes inventions out of everyday objects, a policeman who does pirouettes and sings and a school teacher who is just plain weird. It's all well and good having a copper singing and dancing but I bet crime is through the bloody roof, it's the stuff of nightmares.

'I myself grew up watching the likes of Mr Benn, Sesame Street and Finger bobs. What next will they show? The Chainsaw Children and the Hillbilly Bastard clan? It's all wrong I tell you.'

Ivor Comment: Sounds a bit like Wivey to me !

Bristol City Fans To Abandon Singing Cider Songs

Fans of Bristol City, the Championship playoff losers, have vowed to stop singing stupid cider songs as a way of inspiring their team, and of drowning their sorrows after huge defeats.

Bristol lost 1-0 at the hands of far superior Hull City in the Wembley final last Saturday, and must start the new campaign in August back in the Championship, enduring another season along with the likes of Doncaster Rovers, who, at least, know how to win at the Twin Towers.

Their inability to get past Hull will now cost them £60million.


The Robins fans, who had expected as much, came armed with a full complement of Cider Songs, including Coider Rosie, and The Wurzels top ten hit, I Am A Coider Drinker (Oo ar oo ar ay, oo ar oo ar ay), as well as their self-penned anthem I'm Dozy And Blathered - Give Me Another Coider.

When Hull fans laughed uncontrollably at this West Country cacaphony, however, the sad Bristolians fell silent, and having failed to console themselves, trudged off back to Avon with their tails and pitchforks between their legs.

Robins fan, John Figgis, 21, who had a piece of straw sticking out of his mouth, said:

"Oo ar, oo ar. Them coider songs didn't do us much good, did them?"

Wivey 3rds Late Night Out Last Saturday

Last of The Summer Whine

Wivey TV are to reamake an episode of the whimsical comedy with a penchant for light philosophy and full-on slapstick, that first run following the misadventures of three elderly friends and their mates tramping around the countryside.

The cast include Pete 'Foggy' Thompson; flat cap-wearing voice-of-reason Ben 'Cleggy' Parnell, a scruffy hormone-riddled layabout Martin 'Compo' Broome, Bruce 'Smiler' Keay and Mike 'Eli' Phillips.

In a world where men are just over-grown kids, the authority figures come in the shape of some of Wivey's most formidable women. There will be casting for the physically intimidating tea shop owner Ivy, and Nora Batty, with her wrinkled stockings and hair curlers, she's both a bogeyman figure curtailing the trio's fun and became an unlikely lust object for Compo.

'Compo Simonite'

Lunt villagers sick of graffiti

A campaign has been launched in the historic village of Lunt to change its name because vandals keep defacing road signs.The not-so-witty pranksters constantly change the village's name to an extremely rude swear word, reports the Daily Telegraph.

However, the proposal is dividing villagers in the Merseyside community who say they should not have to give up a name that has been around since the 13th century.

Martyn Ball, a retired police officer and prospective Conservative councillor, is urging residents to support the move because he is fed up with the graffiti which greets visitors to the village.
He said: "We are all painfully aware of the repeated times our village sign is defaced by mindless yobs who change the L to a C.

After an appeal for information on Crimewatch, hundreds of viewers phoned in to name Mike Phillips as the biggest Lunt.

David Roughley, whose family has farmed in Lunt since 1851, added: "At the end of the day we live in Lunt and we don't want to change because of a few yobs. It is the vandals who should change, not the village. It could be worse, we could be called Twatt!"

The State of the Country !

Message On The M5

It has been suggested to me that it was Richard Peircey who was driving this lorry up the M5 this morning.

Man 'Targeted By Green Aliens' Sent To Asylum

A Wiveliscombe man whose home has been hit an incredible five times by meteorites believes he is being targeted by aliens.



Experts are now investigating local magnetic fields to try and work out what makes him so attractive to big green men.

But Mr F, who has had a steel girder reinforced door and roof put on the house he rents has an alternative explanation.


He said: "I am obviously being targeted by extraterrestrials. I don't know what I have done to annoy them but there is no other explanation that makes sense. The chance of being hit by a meteorite is so small that getting hit five times has to be deliberate.

The strikes always happen when the pubs close and it is raining heavily, never when there are clear skies.He said: "I did not know what the strange-looking creatures were at first but I am being targeted by aliens. They are playing games with me. I don't know why they are doing this. When it rains I can't sleep for worrying about another strike."

Wivey 3rds 48 Chard 3rds 5

With Omar Rawlings off watching Portsmouth scrape though to the FA Cup final and Lee Milton Fyffe doing a late newspaper round Wivey struggled to raise a team for the 1pm start. This was compounded by Mike Phillips not arriving until half time but not may people noticed.

Playing up the slope in the first half Wivey struggled with the swirling wind and bad handling and only manged to score one try through Rob Stone breaking fron inside his own half, which was converted by Ross Porter leaving the half time score 7 - 0.


In the second half Wivey's handling improved and they made the most of their possession and the slope. Rob Stone completed a hat trick of tries, and Dave Huxtable, Baz Lockyer, Fly half Jamie and Matt Green also score tries. Prop Chris Roud also scores a try in the corner at at the end of the game and after several pints he was wondering if he was needed at work.

Ross Porter converted four leaving the score at the final whistle 48 - 5

In the bar afterwards the usual fines were toilet brushes and Ross Porter unsuccessfully tried to convince the twat that his wife cleaned the toilet with his toothbrush

Plan a bank raid - students told

Students are being asked to plan a bank robbery for an assignment. They have to work out how to rob a bank with a team of six within seven minutes, reports Information Times.

They have to come up with a robbery action plan for a team comprising a leader, a lock breaker, a driver, two robbers and a gunman.

The school teacher who came up with the assignment after watching the twat rob Wivey 3rds weekly, says it's aimed at teaching students how to allocate resources economically and efficiently.

"Students majoring in the arts usually do not have the training in thinking deliberately that students majoring in science do. So this also trains their thinking ability," he said.
The assignment involves teams of five or six students, with each team having to make its own presentation.

One student said: "We've never taken an assignment as seriously as this one. On our team, each person came up with a plan, and we picked the best one. We even timed ourselves on the college grounds."

The teacher who came up with the idea doesn't think the assignment will encourage students to rob a bank for real: "They're adults, and know what's right and wrong," he added.

Up and Underwater

No I am not talking about Mike Phillips retrieving his golf balls at Cedar Falls golf course !

Switzerland has started an underwater rugby competition with dozens of teams signed up for the new sport.The Swiss Underwater Sports Union says it's been flooded with requests from people wanting to learn the game.

It is now organising introduction days for newcomers. Underwater rugby is a six-a-side game for both men and women who are equipped with flippers, a snorkel and goggles.

The ball is filled with salt water and weighs 13lbs, and the aim of each team is to place it in the basket of the opposing team on the ground of the swimming pool. Players have to come to the surface to breathe.

Jan Maisenbacher of the Swiss Underwater Sports Union says: "Underwater rugby is the only three-dimensional sport."

The game was first developed in Germany to help train divers and has become the new hit sport on the continent this year.

One sunny afternoon Superman was out flying around. Crime was slow that day, so he decided to go over to Spiderman's house. Supe: "Hey Spidey, let's go get a burger and a beer!".


Spidey: "No can do, Supe. I've got a problem with my Web-shooter. Can't fight crime tomorrow without it".

So Superman heads over to the Bat Cave to see what's up. Supe: "Hey, Batman! Let's go get a burger and a beer!". Batman: "Not today, my friend. My BatMobile is down and it must be fixed today. Can't fight crime tomorrow without it".

Disgruntled, Superman takes to the air, cruising around the skies when he flies over a penthouse apartment. And what to his SuperVision does he see, but none other than WonderWoman, lying on the deck, spread-eagle, stark-naked! Supe gets a brilliant idea: "They've always said I'm faster than a speeding bullet and I've always wondered what she'd be like with all her Wonder Powers". So he zzoooooommms down and does her in a flash and is gone before anyone can notice. All of a sudden WonderWoman sits up and says, "What was that!?!". Then the Invisible Man gets off her and replies, "I don't know but it hurt like hell!"

Camel Beauty Pageant

A beauty pageant is being held in Abu Dhabi - for camels.Ten thousand camels will compete against each other with the chance of their owners winning more than £4m in prize money and up to 100 cars and other prizes to be won.

Camels from Bahrain, Kuwait, Oman, Qatar and Saudi Arabia will take part in the competition. The contest is part of the Mazayin Dhafra festival, with a panel of expert camel appreciators from Brompton Ralph will be judging each age group.

The ruler of Abu Dhabi, Sheikh Khalifa bin Zayed, has sponsored the event in its six years, reports BBC online.

After the contest there wil be an auction where some of you might like to see how many camels you can get for your partners and wives.

Fair Exchange??

Colts Suffer Trauma After Listening to Wivey Ladies CD

WARNING

The 'Wivey Ladies Sing Karaoke ' cd is a lethal killer. If found do not attempt to listen to it ! Call Scotland Yard's Anti Terrorist Unit immediately.

Basil Brush racist?

Basil Brush is at the centre of a police investigation after an allegation that an episode of the programme was racist to gypsies.

A complaint was made after an episode of the BBC show featured a gypsy character selling pegs and lucky heather and a joke about a fortune teller stealing Basil's wallet.

Gypsies from Kinsmead Close, Wiveliscombe reported the show to the Police alleging that the storyline is racist towards their community and way of life.

Michael Phillips, vice-chairman of the South West Romany, gypsy and Irish Traveller Network, called on the BBC to pull the episode and give travellers the same protection and respect they give to other ethnic minorities.

"They need to realise that gypsies and travellers are a recognised ethnic minority in this country and deserve the same treatment as any other group," he said.

"To perpetuate this myth about gypsies and travellers is wrong. Attitudes like this belong 20 or 30 years ago, we are supposed to have moved on since then.

"If they are going to keep showing this then I look forward to them bringing back the likes of Alf Garnett to the screen."

The BBC refused to comment on the situation, with a spokesman saying the matter was now in the hands of the police.

A spokesman for the Police said: "We can confirm we have received a complaint about a TV show featuring Basil Brush from a member of the public.

"The complaint was logged as an incident of a racist nature and we are now investigating."

Lookalikes

Wivey 3rds Join Facebook

Why I should not have got so pissed after playing for, or at Wivey Rugby Club!

Type:Sports & Recreation - Recreational Sports
Description: Wiveliscombe RFCPissed & Proud In Wivey

Click Below to Join

http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=23970418656

Excuse for speeding

I hear that Charlotte Phillips was pulled over on for speeding on the Taunton Road last week. When asked for her driver's license, she argued, "Speeding??? But officer, I was only trying to keep a safe distance between my car the and the car behind me."

Tiverton 3rds 0 Wivey 3rds 22

With skipper Rob Aplin away on holiday it was left to Mike Phillips to leave his golf and fishing alone to rally the troops this week. With many players unavailable this was not an easy task for him but thanks to several colts who stepped in at the last minute, to everyone's surprise he managed to count up to 15.


On a cold windy afternoon in Devon, Wivey started the game well but despite lots of pressure in the early stages failed to score. Tiverton responded well and began to put pressure on in the scrum and loose play and for a while the game was evenly matched. Credit must go to Wivey colts Matt Ellis and Graham Broom in the front row up against a very experienced Tiverton front row.

Midway through the first half Wivey finally scored after a series of passes out wide Dave Huxtable ran in to score a try in the corner. This was soon followed by a series of forward phases and the ball went out wide for winger Omar ' Hair Gel' Rawlings to score. Both tries went unconverted and the half time score was 10 - 0.




In the second half Wivey continued to pile on the pressure and big Dave ' Steamroller' Brant ran over and past several Tiverton players to make a 25yd break. From the following ruck the ball was passed out to Ben Parnell to score under the posts. He also converted this try of which he repeatedly reminded us all evening. At 17 - 0 the result was not in doubt and Wivey relaxed for a while and Tiverton's tackling prevented more tries. Near the end Dave Brant finished off a forward move to score Wivey's fourth try to make the final score 22 - 0.

Once again another good satisfying performance on a cold, windy afternoon

Green Fingers

No matter how hard my Tommy tries, every plant or flower he has attempted to grow seems to wither and die an untimely death under his care. But he never gives up hope.

Whilst visiting his home recently, a friend pointed to a line of new plants that Tommy had placed by the kitchen bay window.

“Look,” she whispered,“death row.”

Twit & Twoo

After Farmer Dave's and Dr Dave's really bad Teat Owl joke this weekend I think we have a new nickname for them - Twit & Twoo

A message for the Welsh

For all you Welsh people in the Bear Saturday evening !!