Public Servants

"Give me a sentence about a public servant", asked Ben Parnell to one of his Bridgwater pupils.

The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."

Ben took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" he asked.

"Sure", said the young student confidently. "It means 'carrying a child'.

Fare Revenge

An man catches a taxi home one evening and the cabbie charges him almost double the usual fare and when he complains the driver becomes abusive.

The man resolves to get his revenge if he comes across this taxi driver again.

A week later the man goes to get a cab home and notices the driver from the week before is third in the taxi rank.He strolls up and gets in the first cab, once inside he tells the Nick Wickham that he doesn’t have any cash but if he takes him home he’ll give him a blow job. Nick goes mad and kicks him out of his cab.

The man now gets into the second cab and makes Flicky the same proposition: a blow job for a lift home. Flicky also refuses and kicks him out.

So now the man gets into the third taxi, the guy who ripped him off, and asks to be dropped a few blocks away.

As the cab drives off the smiles at Flicky and Nick and gives a big thumbs up…

Advice on Alcohol

Martin Aplin on the touchline at North Petherton with two twelve year old girls.


CHILDREN should not be given any alcohol before they turn 15, parents have been warned. Britain's chief medical officer Sir Liam Donaldson said yesterday that between the ages of 15 and 18 youngsters should drink no more than once a week and only then under strict adult supervision.

He advised that parents who let their children have the odd tipple could be putting them at risk of brain damage and depression, stunting their growth and can cause memory problems.

Some parents are known to give children as young as five alcohol at home. Many families believe alcohol at mealtimes can encourage a responsible attitude in older offspring.

But Sir Liam yesterday said this practice was misguided and "middle class". He said the advice, the first in Europe and possibly the world, was being issued to help clear up parental confusion on safe levels of childhood drinking.

'A lot of people ask me what is wrong with giving children a glass of pinot noir watered down from an early age,' he said

'There is an extremely strongly held belief among middle class parents that it must work'

'But there is no evidence either way. The danger of any misguided attempt to ply children with alcohol is that they get the taste for drinking.'

Lookalikes - Ben 'Henry' Parnell

Henry would not permit his photo to be used unless we allowed him to wear a disguise in case in went out in public and was mistaken for a teacher.

Binge drinking encouraged to beat recession

Martin Broome has called for pubs and clubs to stay open 24/7 to help the UK spend its way out of recession.


Speaking at the Wite Hart pub in Wiveliscombe he said "People drinking more alcohol will have a knock on effect in lots of ways, more money will be spent at the bar,which will lead to more jobs for council workers who will have to clean up vomit and urine from the streets, also hospitals will employ more staff in A&E. "

"The motor industry will also benifit as more drunks will crash their cars leading to an increase in new car sales."

Ben Thain's Computer Clinic

Is your computer running really slowly? Has it been infected by a virus or spyware? Viruses, adware, spyware, worms, hackers, scams, phisher attacks and the list reasons to worry goes on and on.

All these can be real threats so Wivey 3rds have teamed up with Ben Thain to offers hints and tips and general trouble-shooting along with some common questions with your computer.
Please email your questions to wivey3rds@hotmail.com or leave comments below:

So let's take a break and talk about some common questions that shouldn't worry you.

'My computer wont work'  - Mike Phillips, Kingsmed Close
Press the on / off  switch

'How do I email the Vicar' - M Boome, Silver Street
Dont bother your off to Hell anyway.

'Is internet shopping safe' - Anon, Wivey Ladies

Much safer than you driving to Taunton!

'I have been surfing internet porn and got a virus on this computer. How do I stop my mum from finding out?' - Anon. Wivey Under 15s
Don't worry you dad has been doing it as well!

'I have been surfing internet porn and got a virus on this computer. How do I stop my wife from finding out?' - Anon. Wivey 3rds
Blame it on your son !

'How do I sort out problems with my Excel Spreadsheet?' - Estate Agent, Wiveliscombe
Get a real job!

 'I have pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens.' - Kirtsy Bawden, Wivey Ladies
Thats the computer's mouse.

'Can you suggest a good website for me?' - M. Aplin, Church Street
http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/TravelAndTransport/Highwaycode/index.htm

And my dad?
http://www.caravanclub.co.uk/

'How can I upload pictures of my favorite sheep to my facebook account' - Jimmy, Wiveliscombe Young Farmers
You f*****g Sheepsagger

Stuart Norman - Alcohol, wonder cure for everything.

New cure all for the masses gets the thumbs up. In breaking news today it was revealed that alcohol was the answer to all the worlds problems.

Top Wiveliscombe expert Stuart Norman said today, "I have been trying to find all sorts of answers to all sorts of problems when I just had enough."

"I drank 5 cans of Stella Artois and nothing mattered anymore" continued Mr Norman.

His published results revealed that after 6 or more cans he became more handsome, women looked more attractive, he could drive much faster and became incredibly hilarious.

Side effects also noted included a tendancy for violence, extreme nausea and the smell of stale piss.

"The side effects, although extreme, can be easily removed by another session on the lash."

Mike & Jackie Phillips recent skiing trip

We have exclusive pictures below of Mike & Jackie Phillips recent skiing trip.

Mike remarked they are taking the piste, "By the time I learned to stand up, I couldn't sit down."

Standard Assessment Tests (SATs) are too difficult

Standard Assessment Tests (SATs) are too difficult, say Britain's teachers,
who struggle to mark the papers.



The national union has called for the scrapping of all exams for children under 10 because of the pressure they put on teachers. Its got so bad that some teachers might have to cancel one of their skiing trips!

"We really struggle to mark the exams, because we don't have the time and don't know the answers. " said teaching spokesperson Ivan O'Level.

" When we went to school, no one corrected our spelling, made us do our homework or taught us to add up without using our fingers, so why should we be expected to know the answers to these exams?

"How can we mark the papers if we don't know what marks to give? Not only that, we struggle to add up the number of questions the children have got right."

Ted Todd, a junior minister at the Department for Children, Schools and Families, said it is a disgrace that teachers are not clever enough to teach children. "Something should be done," he said, "to ensure that today's children do not grow up to be tomorrow's stupid and uneducated teachers."

Church Expulsion

Martin 'Steptoe' Broome was thrown out of church during this year Christmas Eve might mass service. After interrupting the Vicar sermon and lecturing him on charity begins at home and unmarried mothers, Martin was escorted out the St Andrews door.



We can not fully understand why he was in the church whilst the pub were open - Perhaps he was planning a wedding?

When questioned about the incident he commented " I hear hell is like cross between Pete Thompson's classroom and my toilet after Graham's been in there, but at least its warm this time of year"


Ivor's Comment:

A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.

She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!"


The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Man, I'm on the wrong bus!"

New Year's Honours list leaked

A Buckingham palace spokesman was said to be livid that news of some of this year's New Year Honour recipients had leaked out. The spokesman was said to be especially incensed as he had intended selling it to the Sun himself tomorrow.


The list, full of OBEs (Other Buggers Efforts), MBEs (May Be Essential) and assorted new Lord and Lady honours, recognizes the true worth of many people who are generally too useless to be awarded anything else.

Some of the names appearing on the leaked list this year included:

*Tommy Acock for services to comedy.

*Andy Priest for his contribution to his bank account.

*Benji Stevens for managing to avoid pushing the the scrums for the last twenty five years.

*Fyffes News for helping the public save money with their special 52-week sale

*Mike Phillips for demonstrating that even people who have the IQ of a telegraph pole can get on in life.

*Wivey Ladies for their contribution to 'This is why we should ban karaoke' appeal

Prime Minister Gordon Brown was said to also be a little miffed, especially as the misplaced names weren't on a disk or hard drive and weren't lost by a government department. He said that it was the Government's responsibility to be careless with names and personal details, not the Royal Household's.

Estate Agents Repossessed

Tens of thousands of estate agents have lost their jobs since the start of the credit crunch, according to pointless research which highlights how the housing crash has wreaked misery across the economy.

Up to 80,000 of estate agents that were ripping of first time buyers & buy to let investors eighteen months ago are now eating economy beans & less fillet mignons since they were made unemployed due to the downturn.

Out of work estate agents have also been seen tramping the streets of Wiveliscombe making valuations of all the best begging spots & showing bottom end clients round bijou skips & bespoke cardboard boxes.

In a survey homeowners with crippling mortgages said that although they may lose their homes the fact that so many estate agents were now in the gutter made the pain easier to bear. "Every cloud has a silver lining" was the general consensus across the board.

Bampton Mother

A single mother from Bampton went into the  Jobcentre Plus to ask for help. The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"


"Ten," she replied.

"What are their names?" he asked.

"David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David and David," she answered.

"They're all named David?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?"

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'David,' and they all come running in."

"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"

"I just say, 'David, come eat your dinner'," she answered.

"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"

YMCA - School announces new head

TAUNTON School deputy headmaster Jimmy Beale is to become head of Taunton Prep School.

He will replace Michael Anderson in January 2010 after ten years at the helm.

Mr Beale is already involved in the prep school as a parent, RE teacher and rugby referee.

He is a former police constable in Plymouth, but turned to teaching in 1992 He said: “Taunton Prep School is an amazing place - it gives confidence and structure to the young in an incredibly positive and supportive environment.

“The education is inspirational and teachers have a passion for ensuring that the journey and educational transition from very little to more mature is smooth and rewarding.”

Mr Anderson said it would be a “great wrench” leaving after ten years.

“There is so much that I will miss,” he added.

“Jimmy will work with the excellent staff to ensure that the School moves forward in a dynamic and exciting way without losing its essential ethos.”

Taunton School headmaster Dr John Newton said: “Michael retires after bringing the school to national recognition for its arts, sport and quality of teaching and learning.

“He will be sadly missed - his wisdom, calm and wonderful humour have all been deeply appreciated.”

CBI suggests bonus scheme for job botchers should be available to all British workers

Martin Broom President of the Wivey CBI (Cow Boys & Indians) recently suggested that all British companies should introduce special bonus schemes for poor and shoddy workmanship.

With general state of the banking sector where bosses of failing banks are still receiving large bonuses he suggested in the Bear that they certainly did not deserve these 6-figure bonuses.

However, because the club membership of the Wivey CBI also boasts useless and over-paid managers in other business sectors, it was felt that the bonus system for shoddy work and foul-ups should be extended to all.

President of the CBI, said:

"There is growing unrest amongst Wivey's sloppiest and shoddiest workers that they are not being given recognition for their incredibly poor performance and business-ruining practices. Why shouldn't they also receive thousands of pounds for their incompetence?

"For example, when your child's teacher helps him fail their exams, give him a bonus. When you bank manager leaves your personal details outside the bank in a skip and your identity is stolen, give him a bonus.Or if someone drops a try scoring pass in a game of rugby, well give him a bonus on a incremental scale such as a packet or crisps or a pint of beer .

However under this scheme it is not clear how the education authority will be able to afford Ben Parnell's salary but it is rumoured that Mike Phillip's has already been offered life membership of Wivey RFC for his past performances.

"More bonuses all round I say."

Chester Locke

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/7619715.stm

Two lovers banished from each other's sight when they conceived an illegitimate child nearly 40 years ago have been reunited by their daughter and are to marry.

Christine Orchard, 57, and Chester Locke, 64, from Taunton, Somerset, fell in love after meeting at a youth club in 1965.

Mrs Orchard discovered she was pregnant two years later, aged 16, but her mother said she could only keep the baby on the condition that she cut Mr Locke, then 21, from her life.

The daughter they had together, Tracey Orchard, now 40, decided to hunt down her birth father 12 years ago, moved by the death of her grandparents.



Together at last: Tracey Orchard (far left) reunited her parents Chester Locke and Christine Orchard who were forced apart for having Tracey out of wedlock

But she never dreamed her parents would fall in love all over again and that she would be at their wedding, due to take place in a fortnight's time.

Mrs Orchard told BBC Points West she was delighted to be marrying her childhood sweetheart after social stigma kept them apart for so long.

The former shop assistant said: "Being an unmarried mother back in the 1960s was still frowned upon. My parents decided they would bring the baby up but I had to sever all contact with Chester."

Tracey Orchard said her first motivation for the search was to dispel rumours that her father was a "waste of space". She was amazed when the romance rekindled so quickly.

She said: "My intention was to get him to meet his grandchildren and great-grandchild. I'm shocked but it is lovely. It's wonderful to see them where they should have been 40 years ago."

Mr Locke, who works in a saw mill, joked: "I'm a bit angry at her for making me wait!"


He was told never to contact Christine or his daughter Tracey - who was raised by her maternal grandparents - and went on to marry another woman and raise his own family.

But Tracey, now 40, set about rebuilding her broken family following the death of her grandparents and staged a surprise meeting between Ms Orchard and Mr Locke.

And despite their long and difficult separation, the pair - who were both divorced - fell head over heels in love for the second time - 40 years after their relationship ended.

Incredibly Christine, now 57, and Chester, 64, are set to marry later this month and fulfil their lifelong dream of living side by side.

Ms Orchard, of Taunton, Somerset, said: 'There was always quite a lot of hoo ha about Chester because of the age difference.

'When my parents found out I was pregnant my Mum and her sisters went into a room and basically decided my future.

'They told me that if I wanted to I could keep the baby and they would bring her up, but I had to stay away from Chester.'


Family ties: Christine Orchard holds daughter Tracey

Retired shop assistant Ms Orchard added: 'Mum told me that if I saw Chester in the street I should walk away, so I didn't see him again for 35 years.'

Ms Orchard fell pregnant aged 16 after a whirlwind romance with local 'heartthrob' Mr Locke, an engineer who worked in her local launderette in Taunton.

But Ms Orchard's late parents Flossie and Fred 'ruled with an iron rod' and insisted the pair were separated for ever.

Christine was allowed to keep the baby on the condition that neither had any further contact with Mr Locke.

Mr Locke eventually married and bore another daughter, Amanda, who is now in her 30s.

Meanwhile, Ms Orchard married in 1972 and produced three children, Russell, 35, Nicky, 31, and Ryan, 27.

She separated from her husband in 1998 before divorcing him last year.

Mr Locke also separated from his wife and divorced in 2007.

But when Fossie and Fred died 12 years ago, mum-of-two Tracey moved out of the family home and began thinking of ways to reunite her parents.

Single Tracey, who lives with daughters Jennifer, 21, Alison, 17, and son Christopher, 15, said: 'I was always told my Dad was a waste of space but I needed to find out for myself.


'After all, everyone changes in 35 years. After my grandparents died I lost a big part of my life and I wanted to fill in the gaps.'

Tracey finally tracked down her father, who still lived in Taunton, in 2003, but both he and her mother were still married.

She secretly kept in touch until Ms Orchard's marriage - like Mr Locke's - broke down and Tracey arranged for a surprise meet at the local pub.

To Ms Orchard's amazement and delight, Mr Locke had also been asked to come and the long-lost pair set about rebuilding their relationship.

Grandmother-of-two Ms Orchard said: 'When we met up that first time we were talking and laughing so much we didn't leave for five hours.

'It felt very safe going back to someone I already knew. I suppose in a way we were reliving our youth.'

Mr Locke, who works in a saw mill, popped the question earlier this year and the couple are now set to wed on September 27 at a chapel in Taunton with family and friends.

He said: 'We've made our mistakes but she's the love of my life and I couldn't be happier.

'If you'd have told me ten years ago that I'd be marrying Christine after all these years I would never have believed you, but here we are.

'Getting married means a lot to me. I can't wait to spend the rest of our lives together as man and wife.'

Tracey added: 'I think it's going to be a new beginning for the whole family.'

Become a teacher

I Predict.............

Olympic Chiefs have decided to include Farting into the London 2012 Olympic Games.

The Olympic Panel Committee agreed unanimously that if they were going to have silly events like Gymnastic Ribbon Twirling & Synchronized Swimming in the Olympics, then Farting is a viable option.

The event will include many different disciplines of Farting: Men's, Women's and mixed doubles catagories. 3 judges will award points for Odour, pitch, tone and style of delivery. A shit is immediately disqualified. Each competitor will be randomly tested for banned substances such as: Sprouts, Curry, Chilli, Bombay Mix and Baked Beans.

There are several Catagories: Freestyle, Power Endurance, Synchronized Formation, Squat-thrust, Power Blast & Marathon.

6 times UK Champion, Stuart 'The Trumpet' Norman from Wiveliscombe is thrilled, he said

"it'll be fantastic to represent Great Britain in 2012. Efforts must be doubled and I am gonna practice every day and it'll be nice to be around people me again".

Seb Coe, who himself is known to be quite handy in the trouser department and regularly 'turns out' for his local pub team, has welcomed the news. "It's going to be a tremendous spectacle", said Lord Coe "I've already booked The Gas Club in Croydon. We will need to improve the ventilation though

I'd do anything

Here we see Ben Parnell at the BBC auditioning for the role of Nancy and one three youthful proteges to play orphaned urchin Oliver in the new Cameron Mackintosh forthcoming West End production of Oliver!

It is not known whether he tried out for the part of Oliver or just wanted to be a Nancy .

Unfortunately he did not get the callback and was recommended by the panel for the part of the Tin Man in Wivey's production of The Wizard of Oz.

When are school holidays in England?

The British academic year runs from September to July.


Schools are open for 195 days each school year.

English schools have 3 terms, separated by holidays.

The school year is 39 weeks long and is divided into three terms:

• Term 1 - September to October (followed by a one week holiday),October to December (followed by a two week holiday)
  
• Term 2 - January to February (followed by a one week holiday), February to March (followed by a two week holiday)
  
• Term 3 - April to May (followed by a one week holiday). June to July (followed by a six week summer holiday)
  

Who decides the dates of the School terms and holidays for these lazy b******ds?

A state-of-the-art watch?

A rather confident 007 strolled into a bar and took a seat next to a stunningly attractive woman. He gave her a quick glance, then casually looked at his watch for a moment.

Noticing his actions, the woman next to him asked, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replied, "Q's just given me this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

Intrigued by his words the woman replied, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"Well you see," said Bond, "it uses Alpha waves to telepathically talk to me."

"I see," said the woman, "and what's it telling you now?"

"It says you're not wearing any knickers..." came the reply.

The woman giggled and replied, "Well it must be broken because I'm afraid I'm wearing knickers!"

007 tutted, tapped his watch and said, "Damn thing must be an hour fast!"

Guys & Their Games

Here are the facts, ladies. Two-thirds of all men in television-owning households between the ages of 18 and 34 have videogame consoles, according to media research company, Nielsen. That means your chances of going with a gaming guy are pretty high. What can his choice of gaming system tell you about him? We convened a panel of experts to give you the scoop:

What does a PlayStation reveal about a bloke?
This is your 21st-century individual who enjoys gaming and demands the best out of his experience—and probably his women. The PS3 guy enjoys life to its fullest. He is sophisticated, intelligent, enjoys competition and is willing to wait for a good thing. He is loyal as well.

What does a Wii tell a woman about her potential date?
The Wii-mote will force him to get up off the couch and actually get a little exercise while he’s playing. Of all of the consoles, the Wii is probably the best date machine, as a lot more of the games appeal to both sexes. Challenge him to a game of tennis or bowling.

And what does the Xbox divulge about its owner?
There is a wide variety of games available through the Xbox 360... so one may be better able to find games in common with a significant other who may not be an avid gamer. Preferring the Xbox 360 may say that the owner is willing to play cooperatively.

Of course, these expert opinions won’t apply to all men who own these consoles, so don’t consider them absolutes. But they should help you gain some solid clues about that videogame-playing guy you’re seeing.

A spokeswoman for Wivey ladies commented "We prefer men that play with balls and if you've watched Wivey 3rds, then you have seen men that play with their balls together"

On The Pull In Wellington

Wiveliscombe Will Send Reinforcements

An Australian mayor has landed himself in hot water after making an ill-advised plea for ugly women, subtly illustrated here by a bearded lady, to move to a remote mining town where men outnumber women by a ratio of five to one.

John Molony, the mayor of Mount Isa, found himself under attack after the suggestion that telling a local newspaper "with five blokes to every girl, may I suggest that beauty-disadvantaged women should proceed to Mount Isa" reports Reuters.

Mayor Molony has refused to apologise for his comments and added that, in a testosterone-laden town famous for cowboys and mining, he was simply “telling it like it is”.

However, the situation may not be quite as dire as Molony noted. The Associated Press reports that, according to the 2006 census, men make up 52.6 percent of Mount Isa’s population of nearly 20,000

Builders bungle train tunnel

Bungling engineers have been left red-faced after building a railway tunnel that's too small for trains to actually fit through.

The costly mistake was only discovered when inspectors measured the finished tunnel in the Polish capital, Warsaw, and realised the roof was so low that no trains would get under it.

Rail bosses claim the mix-up happened because workers who were laying new tracks didn't talk to the team that was building the tunnel.

"During work on the tunnel, tracks were laid down on newly-raised ground which meant the distance between the tracks and roof of the tunnel became shorter," said Polish Railways spokesman Marta Szklarek.

Wiveliscombe Representative of ARD (Association of Road Diggers) Mr Sharland commented

'I went to Poland last year to discuss how best we could delay traffic across Europe using Taunton as a template. After long talks with Hans Onmeknob I went to advise the poles how to lean on a shovel, drinking coffee whilst traffic backed up.

The cock-up is the latest in a series of public transport construction fiascoes in Poland.

A tunnel built recently to divert lorry traffic in Warsaw turned out to be too low for lorries.

Aplin's win Dunster Castle Tickets

It appeas that Rob and Monica Aplin have gone a bit over the top after wining free tickets to Dunster Castle in the Wiveliscombe Rugby Club Fete Grand Draw.

It was suggested that he was dressed up as St George but I am not brave enough to say what that makes Monica..........

Divorce

A man is being divorced by his wife after his penis extension snapped off during sex.

Doctors in Voronezh, southern Russia, had fitted the special prosthetic when Grigory Toporov, 47, told them he didn't measure up to his wife's expectations in the bedroom.But she was horrified when the extension broke off during a wild sex session.

"I told her I would get a new one but she wasn't having any of it. She said she was fed up with my failures in bed and wants a divorce," said Toporov.

His wife is now moving to Wellington, Somerset UK affter she heard a lot of big pricks live there.

Prayboy

Is this Thomo's reading material?

Speaking Clock

I hear that Matt Ellis had the colts round his house last week late one night, and led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.

"What's that big brass gong for?" Graham Broome asked.

"Why, that's the talking clock" Matt replied.

"How does it work?" asked Toby West. "Watch", Matt said, giving it an ear-shattering pound with a hammer.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "For fuck sake, you wanker, it's 2am in the fucking morning!!"