'Beer goggles' effect explained

Alcohol is not the only factor in the beer goggles formula. Scientists believe they have worked out a formula to calculate how "beer goggles" affect a drinker's vision.

The drink-fuelled phenomenon is said to transform supposedly "ugly" people into beauties - until the morning after.

Researchers at Manchester University say while beauty is in the eye of the beer-holder, the amount of alcohol consumed is not the only factor.

Additional factors include the level of light in the pub or club, the drinker's own eyesight and the

room's smokiness.

The distance between two people is also a factor.

KEY TO FORMULA
An = number of units of alcohol consumed
S = smokiness of the room (graded from 0-10, where 0 clear air; 10 extremely smoky)
L = luminance of 'person of interest' (candelas per square metre; typically 1 pitch black; 150 as seen in normal room lighting)
Vo = Snellen visual acuity (6/6 normal; 6/12 just meets driving standard)
d = distance from 'person of interest' (metres; 0.5 to 3 metres)

They all add up to make the aesthetically-challenged more attractive, according to the formula
.

The formula can work out a final score, ranging from less than one - where there is no beer goggle effect - to more than 100.

Nathan Efron, Professor of Clinical Optometry at the University of Manchester, said: "The beer goggles effect isn't solely dependent on how much alcohol a person consumes, there are other influencing factors at play too.

"For example, someone with normal vision, who has consumed five pints of beer and views a person 1.5 metres away in a fairly smoky and poorly lit room, will score 55, which means they would suffer from a moderate beer goggle effect."

The research was commissioned by eyecare firm Bausch & Lomb PureVision.
A poll showed that 68% of people had regretted giving their phone number to someone to whom they later realised they were not attracted.

A formula rating of less than one means no effect. Between one and 50 the person you would normally find unattractive appears less "visually offensive".

Non-appealing people become suddenly attractive between 51 and 100. At more than 100, someone not considered attractive looks like a super model.

Ginger Alert

Rumours suggust that the old 'Ginger Ninja' John Darlow is having to die his hair ginger after at outbreak of grey hair appeared om the top of his head

A spokesperson for Gingers For Justice commented

'John has ginger hair and is very proud of it! He is fed up with the piss taking that he gets because of his ginger hair and thinks it is about time he set the record straight... You shouldn't judge a book by its cover and you shouldn't judge him by the colour of his hair.'

John whether or not you know what a book is you will always be the 'Ginger Tosser' to us!

New 3rd team signing

Wivey 3rds rugby captain Rob Aplin has found what he considers to be a vital asset to take the team forward into the forthcoming season after the performance against Barnstaple this weekend.

Dia the donkey who bears many similarities to Mike Phillips was located in a RSPCA center near Weston, and has all the necessary skills required to fit easily in the Wivey 3rds Squad.

Dubbed the "New Mike Phillips" he will fit in really well', said Rob. Although his tackling seems to be a bit weak at present, his place kicking is superb. Naturally he will look a bit odd on the field as he will face away from the ball at penalties and conversions, as he can only kick backwards but after our place kickers Saturday he can't do much worse.

Students Filmed By Teachers

Wiveliscombe internet watchers today have condemned the posting of videos of school pupils in humiliating situations by teachers.Some of the postings on well known video sites have shown pupils in humiliating circumstances. In one, a pupil was shown attending school,awake and handing in his homework assignment on time.

The pupil concerned has been ridiculed so much that he was last seen outside the local off license.

An unnamed pupil commented "These videos should be banned and the Teachers concerned brought to justice"

One teacher from Wivey told us that he regularly films school children handing in completed assignments many of them receiving good marks, some as high as D grade.

"It's about time teachers got their own back. We are bored and there is nothing to do around here" He continued

The teachers seem to split into two main gangs and hang around staffrooms, pubs and libraries and drinking homemade wine.

Police are said to be not bothered and people with information are asked not to let them know as they are far to busy and only visit Wivey every other week.

007 Is Back In New Film "Bloke, Car, and High Heels"

In a announcement, Wivey Studios and Chubby Rockoli have jointly named Omar Rawlings as the new James Bond. Omar will be cast in the role of British secret agent 007 in the next installment of the extraordinarily successful James Bond cinematic phenomenon.

Entitled "Bloke, Car, and High Heels", the film's plot involves 007's daunting task of subverting terrorists plotting to force Wivey rugby players to wear female clothing and loads of lipstick. Bonds arch enemy in this film is the dark and evil force Homotron and his evil crew who will be played by James Beale and the rest of the Village People.

The opening sequence of the film begins in an arid deserted wasteland - Fratton Park football ground before bond makes it back to M's office in Wivey where he is met by Miss Moneyspenty.

The plot then involves Bond tackling the leaders of warring factions to restore law and order, sending home asylum seekers and restoring stability and sanity in the ravaged region before leaving Kingsmead Close in search of Homotron.

The film ends with Omar, Bond trading everything in for a camel. He then returns to a Middle East beach with his camel, a beer, where he enjoys himself making sandcastles and topping up his tan.

It has also been revealed that comedian Tommy Acock will play the role of veteran inventor 'Q' after he has finished his latest film Harry Potter And The Order Of The Kit Bags. Tommy is said to be "elated" by the announcement, and is "heavily looking forward to shaking of his Mr Magoo tag"

Other cameo appearances include Francis Billinger as Dr 'No - Seriously', Stuart Norman as 'Odd Job' and Bruce Keay as Bond's nemesis Ernst Stavro Blofeld. Unfortunately the kitten who was due to appear as Blofeld's cat was run over in Wivey High Street by a speeding female driver yesterday.

It was hoped that Ben Elkins (0010) and Ross Porter (0011) would join together to play Special Agent 0023 but we have be told they have other commitments - More school holidays !

As any student that goes to Kingsmead School will tell you 0010 + 0011 = 0023

Wivey Studios have also turned down an offer from Wivey Ladies Rugby team to sing the "Bloke, Car, and High Heels" Bond theme tune on a karaoke machine. A spokesperson for Wivey studios commented "There is enough terror in the film already without them doing karaoke as well"

New 3rd Team Captain

At last weeks AGM Rob Aplin was officially confirmed as 3rd team captain for next season with Mike Phillips his vice captain (Both shown above). Rob's experience includes captaining the coin operated boats at Bude Caravan Park.

It is also believed that Mike Phillips ancestors captained the Spanish Armada and the Titanic. Mike claims to know the difference between an iceberg in the sea and a Rock on a rugby field - The iceberg moves faster !

Former 3rd team captain Peter Thompson who went to watch the Titanic leave port in 1912 but missed it because he had to be home by 7.30pm welcomed the news of Rob and Mike's appointment.

Hard working school teacher Thomo (His words not mine!) wished Rob and Mike his best wishes for the forthcoming season and then went on about how much teachers deserve their long school holidays.

What about all those INSET days as well, more like " In The Pub days "

Wivey secret superhero Bananaman speaking on behalf of the Wivey 3rds fan club commented " Credit to Rob and Mike but they are no Ivor Biggun."

"Like Bananaman, Ivor has great superpowers and he has the ‘equipment' of an elephant unike Mike an Rob - yeah, I looked in the showers once - but you should really ask Catwoman if you want the down and dirté on that aspect of his superpower. I'll say no more…"

Most young people in Wivey spend their lives drunk.

Figures published today have shown that most 17-25 year olds in Wivey spend their lives drunk.

"This is a terrible state of affairs", said a young person spokesperson Andy Ware. "I remember the days when I spent the weekend whacked off my brain on other things apart from just alcohol. I think they are mad to put all their eggs in one basket. They should try to spread their substance abuse about a bit more to prevent addiction to one thing."

Doctors have said that the rise in alcopops and sweet cider encourage young people to drink. A spokesman for the campaign for under age drinking tried to tell us that this was rubbish but instead told us that we were his best mates and would we like some of his kebab.


After presenting the picture above as evidence to Macyla Aplin she claimed

"Well they do say I take after my father! And I'm not admitting to being a lightweight, I just had a hard game that day!"

Here we see Martina Aplin using the latest youth drinking accessory. This useful drink and sickness spilage device can be used to pevent staining of clothing after consumption of too much alcohol.

Police chiefs have said that most of their officers have found more than 100% of arrests are of youngsters driving whilst under the influence."They're always pissed and stoned and most of them are dealers but we are planning to crackdown on these rogue officers" said a member of the Wiveliscombe Constabulary.

Qualified Energy Inspector

With just days to go before the start of the Government's phased implementation of Home Information Packs their future has again been thrown into doubt.

The crisis has arisen because there is still only one qualified energy assessor to cover the entire Taunton Deane area.

Alexander Keay, a former 2CV and mini driver from Wiveliscombe has qualified in energy assessment by passing the strict written test of writing out a cheque for £500 to an internet-based training firm.

Mr Keay is well know to television audiences for his frequent appearances on the Granada series "House of Horrors" where with a mate fails to notice minor faults in electrical and plumbing appliances and they charge the homeowner a bundle for unnecessary repairs.

He told the Wivey3rds website "That was all when me and a mate were doing refurbishments, but they wouldn't register us for the Corgi so I became a estate agent until the Government come up with this new way for me to fleece the public."

Asked how he could possibly cover the whole of tis area on his own he was equally dismissive, "New homes is gonna get the green light and old one's the red. It's that easy mate, five minutes in and out job and name me own price. I really don't even have to go inside, except when there's a cuppa on offer."

Man Arrested Picking Nose Whilst Driving

A man was arrested yesterday evening for picking his nose whilst driving. Michael Phillips, 45, was driving along a quiet residential street in his hometown of Wiveliscombe, in his Audi TT. Sensing his nose was feeling a 'little full' he decided to excavate said nose with his little finger and squeeze a couple of spots.

"That was when I saw the blue lights suddenly flare up in my rear-view mirror," said Mr Phillips. "I stopped the car and asked them if there was a problem. They pulled me out of the car, threw me against the bonnet and charged me for dangerous driving."

A police spokesperson said, "It is imperative the public learn the importance of paying attention to the road whilst driving. Mr Phillips should have pulled over and picked his nose whilst he was able to devote his full attention to it. He could have caused an accident had he lost his concentration for a split second."

Mr Phillips was due up in court to face charges next month but has now paid an on the spot fine.

Captain Pegwash and her pirates held a council of war

Captain Pegwash was a pirate of the high seas who commanded the Black Cat. She was the hero of many tales of bravery and daring. As she would tell you herself, her ruthless cunning made her a daunting enemy, and the name of the Black Cat (or pussy) was enough to strike fear into the heart of any sea-faring captain.

"Plundering Porpoises! Jumping jellyfish! Harrowing hurricanes!" blustered pirate Captain Pegwash to the work-shy crew of her ship, the Black Pussy as they sailed the Seven Seas and encountered adventures. The busty Captain. always bold before the event, with a tendency to get into scrapes (and make a speedy exit forthwith).

The Good Captain, and her crew (above) Big Willy Warmer, Master Bates, Hugh Harse, were simple pirates and no match for their various shiver-me-timbers foes but fortunately they were regularly rescued from the clutches of black-bearded arch villain Cut-Throat Rawlings (of the 'Flying Dustman') by the cunning and courage of the Black Pussy's, Roger the Cabin Boy'

Here in her latest adventure we see Captain Pegwash with Seaman Staines after her latest encounter with Cut-throat Rawlings who was camped in the old Persian fort with the greatest chest in Wivey ladies history.

Wivey's Ambassador for Stirring Up Trouble

After being ignored in the Queens birthday honours list Ivor Biggun has accepted an offer by the United Nations to be the newly created Ambassador for Stirring Up Trouble in Wiveliscombe and the rest of the UK, it has been disclosed.

Mr. Bigun narrowly beat other candidates former Wivey 3rds player John Darlow, Tony Lockyer and 'Complete Twat' Mike Phillips. A member of the Interview Panel said:"We were particularly impressed at Mr. Bigguns's wide and varied credentials in the field of stirring up trouble. With Mr Lockyer we actually lost count of how many fights he has started so had to disqualify him. Although we considered Mr. Darlow, he simply didn't come close. We felt that he didn't really Stir Up enough Trouble, was too ginger and had gone too soft. As for Mr.Phillips, well, it was a close call between him and Mr. Biggun. Mr. Phillips has Stirred Up a lot of small troubles but never finishes what he starts."

A beaming Ivor biggun later emerged from the Rugby club toilets in Wiveliscombe and said "I am proud to receive this honour and distinction, and particularly proud that these accolades fall on a Wivey person. I have also done my best to Stir Up Trouble on behalf of my country and hope to continue to be able to do so."

As Ambassador for Stirring Up Trouble, Mr. Biggun is likely to be kept posted on events in Wivey's Basra (Kingsmead Close) in Southern Wiveliscombe, and has been reported as offering to arrange to have large concentric circles to be painted on the roof of the worst properties.

Face Detection Technology camera fails on Bear bike club outing - Or does it ?

The new canon face dectection camera should make it simple to take great portraits and group shots at family gatherings and on nights out with friends. Switch on Canon’s clever Face Detection Technology, for instance, and the camera automatically picks out up to nine faces in the frame and adjusts focus, exposure and flash for optimal results. Here we see the new camera being used by a member of the Bear bike club to take a group photo of their latest outing.


Putting a smile on everyone’s face – perfect portraits are made easy with new Canon ‘A’ Series digital cameras.

Sheep 'Flu Epidemic Is Sweeping The Welsh Valleys

Ooooh...those Welshmen!

A recent outbreak in Wales of, what was thought to be H5N1 Bird 'Flu, has, in fact, turned out to be rather less sinister, and has mystified Health officials in the area.

Local medical experts say Sheep Flu has spread like wildfire in the valleys, with more than 7000 reported cases in the last two weeks.

"These are the first recorded cases of Sheep Flu in this part of the world", said vet Dai Davies, adding "it's almost unknown outside Brompton Ralph. The virus is thought to be the non-fatal W001 strain, and it can only be contracted by "extreme intimacy"

Farmer Huw Chaser, who used to be a shepherd before he developed a liking for bigger cattle, said he'd had the 'flu, but that he was now better."My thingy doesn't itch anymore, Boyo, and the rash has all but cleared up. "

Mr Chaser also claimed that the illness was quite common in many parts of Wales , and that sufferers were more than willing to put up with the discomfort, for the pleasure it brought them.
"I keep all my sheep indoors nowadays, in the bedroom. When you have them at such close quarters, you're bound to get a few sniffles and snuffles, aren't you?"

Welsh health officials have warned the public against complacency, and have issued a statement telling potential sufferers of Sheep 'Flu to lock up their herds, and to see a doctor immediately.

Roderick Morgan, from the Royal St David's Animal Fondness Hospital in Carmarthen, said:"In some cases it can be quite nasty. The sheep don't seem to mind, but it's best to leave the fleecy little darlings alone for a while."

Bob the Bodger! "Can he f*** it?"

Wiveliscome TV have remade an episode of the classic kids series aimed at young children that originally followed the adventures of an odd-job man.Welcome to the world of Wivey's Bob the Bodger! With their chorus of "Can he f*** it?" "Yes, he can!" Bob and his loveable gang, drink together, laugh together, play together, quarrel and make up and just do their best to muddle through. Just like kids everywhere.



Their world is imaginative and filled with fun and adventure - a unique world of instruction mayhem and chaos, that comes complete with modern gadgets like mobile phones, remote controls and beer pumps!

In this episode we see the mischievous scarecrow "Spud" Piercey, who loiters around always up to no good, undermining the gang's hard work watching from his window when he ought to be helping.

The rest of the gang, Andy "Roley" Harvey, Del "Lofty" Evans, Heather "Dizzy" Harvey and Pete "Travis Tractor" Kirk remain at the refuelling depot looking after "bird"Tawny Owl in the cellar.

But between them, despite the mix ups, muddles and mayhem, buildings get built, constructions get constructed, and things get well and truly f****d...

Message from Juan Kerr

Buenos Dias Senor Bigun, Como estas?

My name ees Juan, Juan Kerr. I haf a llama farm. In my rugby team I am known a "Big Juan Kerr". I haf son. My son is known as "Little Juan Kerr". We leeve in a small village, known as Don Burros, in the mountains of Los Malvinas, the small islands near to thee beloved mother country of ARGENTINA! VIVA ARGENTINA!! VIVA LOS PUMAS !!!

I an known as big Juan, the rugby fan. I haf woman who ees known as "Little Rosita" (You may know her Indian cousin Minge) .

I like dog sheet on the rugby field! You do not know I am there until it ees too late, and thee damage ees done.

My son, little Juan ees surfing thee web. He find thee site of thee Wiveliscombe turds. I am so happy to find an Engleesh team who love thee rugby and also our four legged friends ! My team ees known as Los Llamashaggers of the Malvinas!

Tell me senor Bigun Un what ees a "big twat" and why is Senor Phileeps a "complete twat". When Senor Phileeps come to the Malvinas he go surfing waves and I see he haf big one to! Surfboard that ees. I haf thee photo of him to prove it.

He haf thee peenis of a penguin under thee wet suit, no?

I go now, leetle Jaun Keer he still surf on thee net. He mostly go on thee bad website from the country of Cymru near you. It ees full of thee pictures of Welesh men with thee sheep. Leetle Juan Kerr speek on thee net to Phil McCreviss from the Scot of land and he say thee women of the Welesh men must haf facees like thee beehind of the llama.

Adios, my engleesh amigo! Asta la vista!!


Big Juan

Dame Edna Broome

Here we see Martin Broome's impersonation, providing you with an incredible lookalike / soundalike tribute to Dame Edna for any occasion. He is available for private events and parties; corporate entertainment, marketing campaigns and product launches; as well as film, television, radio, and commercials. Many people suggest though that he should be incarcerated in a maximum-security twilight home for the insane with that hairdo.

Dame Steptoe is revered for his insights into Wivey rugby. When asked why Wivey 3rds have had a good season he commented "Good food and diet; open air life; alcohol; women and the total absence of any kind of intellectual distraction. Look at Mike Phillips for a start !"

Sir Lesley Colin Patterson is a Dame Steptoe Broomes alter ego. Lecherous and offensive, this farting, belching, nose-picking figure of excess is an Wiveliscombe Falstaff.

Affectionately known as "Worzel" 0r "Steptoe", he has served Wivey 3rds in many roles from hooker to flanker.His humour abounds in such a wide range of stereotypes. Let face it with hair like that you must have a sense of humour.

Wiveliscombe's Minister for Sport with special responsibility to keep sports rampantly heterosexual and "blokey" have commented " Dame Broome abstract girly hairstyle has caused us a few problems, but he still has hair unlike many other wivey 3rds team players."

Dame Broome is ably assisted by his Eggy Broome shown below.

I hear Eggy boasts of his prowess with women and his trips to Wellington's "rub and tug shops".

He jokes that "the best place to hide something from his a father is under a bar of soap". He also represents Wivey Colts, but I hasten to add not in court they get legal aid for that.

Wivey's rising wave of teenage drinking

Young people are drinking more now than they used to. Studies have shown that young people in Wivey are drinking more per drinking session and having more sessions per week than they did ten years ago.

Chief Inspector Dick Head of the Wiveliscombe Constabulary said "We are seizing increasing amounts of alcohol from underage people. We have powers to seize alcohol from young people, and we can dispose of it as we see fit when we get it home".

"It is illegal to sell alcohol to anyone under the age of 18, but more and more young people seem to be getting into trouble with their drinking.We're trying to educate people. However, we find that parents can sometimes be the problem. "

Youngsters in Wiveliscombe now look up to their role models Andy Ware, Stuart Norman and Daryl Smith. Drinking alcohol in moderation is not usually a problem. It can become a problem when heavy drinking and drunkenness become frequent and this style of use is continued into later life. Normally, as people get older, their responsibilities increase and their alcohol use goes down.


What amount is safe to drink? About two pints if your Mike Phillips at the Dinner and Dance !

According to the Department of Health men should not drink more than three to four units of alcohol a day, and women should drink no more than two to three. These benchmarks apply whether you drink every day, once or twice a week, or occasionally. Twice the recommended amount and beyond is classed as 'binge' drinking. Although national figures suggest that binge drinking is slightly in decline except in the Bear Wiveliscombe, it is very much on the rise among young people. The current licensing laws mean that people mean will have more hours to drink at pubs and clubs.

Crazy laws around the world

According to an ancient law, it’s OK to shoot a Welsh person with a bow and arrow – as long as you’re inside the city walls and it’s after 12pm. But where? Chester.

So if you’re Welsh - or even if you look it - watch your back late at night in Chester.

Comment:- Think this law should be extended to the rest of the country

Most places would arrest you for being drunk in possession of a car – but in Scotland extends this to being drunk in possession of a cow?

So don’t take your cow to the pub north of the border – however tempted you may be

Comment:- Never take the wife on a distilery holiday tour of Scotland

We’ve all heard of the fashion police – but in Australia is it actually illegal to wear bright pink trousers

In the Australian state of Victoria, don’t even think about donning a pair of “hot pink pants” outside - especially after midday on a Sunday.


Comment:- Jimmy avoid Australia for your next holiday

If your house is on fire but you’re peckish while you wait for the fire brigade, don’t have a snack in the US city of Chicago or you could be up for arrest. But which one?


It’s forbidden to eat in a place that’s on fire in the Windy City – so watch out next time you ask for a flame-grilled burger.

Antwerp has banned people from wearing a red hat and walking down the main street? (We can only guess it’s an attempt to improve its sartorial standing.)

So expect to see only blue, black, white, green, yellow or purple headwear on the streets of Antwerp (what about Santa?).



Comment:- Could Santa get down the Chimney?

Dinner and Dance Photos

Exclusive pictures from the aftermath of last weekends dinner and dance.

Mike Phillips was a bit hungry when he arrived home

Daryl Smith in his favourite room after a night out.

Martin Broome at work the next day.










Wivey Colts sleeping accommodation

Lookalikes

Al Boredo take hostages

Terrorist from the group Al Boredo fighting for longer school holidays for school teachers have kidnapped fifty women drivers from Wiveliscombe and taken them hostage. The man behind this plot are thought to be the terrorist group leader Burin Bastardedo, and his deputies El Span Kum and Tumuch Timeoff (Pictured below).


Chief Inspector Dick Head of the local constabulary warned these men are known to be dangerous and can bore a classroom unconscious in minutes.

A spokesman from this group demanded a 10 million pound ransom fee, longer school holidays, chocolate biscuits in the staffroom and for anyone caught calling them boring to face the ultimate punishment which is to be forced to live in Wales.

If their demands are not met they are threatening to release one women driver hostage every hour on the hour from noon tomorrow until the ransom money is paid.

Crocodile Aplin

We can now exclusively reveal that Rob Aplin has been participating in the Australian reality program I'm A Camper Get Me Out Of Here (IACGMOOH).

To pay for this trip he has apparently he been collecting together all his air miles acquired of a Saturday afternoon.

We understand that he did a ' Bushtucker Trial' eating crocodile and kangaroo but said his biggest challenge was being stuck for hours driving a car across Australia the morning after his mate Lawrence had eaten a strong curry and having to use the ' dunny ' after him.

Said Rob " My bushtucker trial was nothing really, remember I have food after a 3rd team game at the rugby club "

His next ' Bushtucker Challenge' will be to have more that 5 pints after a game on a Saturday and not turn into a jibbering romantic wreck.

Club-themed funeral for Portsmouth fans

An undertaker is offering Portsmouth football fans a club-themed funeral.

Part of the £1,795 package includes a coffin painted in the club's blue-and-white colours.
The funeral cortege drives past Pompey's Fratton Park ground and mourners the option of a wake at the stadium.

According to the funeral director Lee Fletcher, 36, said: "This is a modern option for loyal supporters and I think both of them will like the idea. Many fans have died of boredom watching Pompey , its more dangerous than being on the touchline of a Wivey Ladies game"

Local pompey fan Omar Rawlings is yet to make a comment.

Hand over wife to pay debt

A Romanian man has handed over his wife to a creditor as payment for his debts.

Emil Iancu, gave his wife Daniela to 72-year-old Jozef Justien Lostrie when he turned up on his doorstep to collect a £1,800 debt.

Iancu said: "I had no money to pay the debt and when I told Lostrie he said he would take my wife instead.I was scared of what he would do and so I signed a document saying Daniela would live with him."


But Daniela says the deal has proved better for her."Before I had to clean the house and look after our three children on my own, while Emil did nothing, but now I'm treated like a guest and hardly have to raise a finger," she said.

"I hear than many husbands in Wiveliscombe, England have tried to give away their wives to pay off debts but have instead had their debt cancelled and been piad money if they promise to keep them!"

Counting Pizza

Whilst in the Bear last weekend I observed Martin Broom ordering a large pizza to take home. He appeared to be alone and the bar staff asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6.

He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces. I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."

Dead Bird

During a stoppage in the Wellington game Mike Phillips shouted.... "Look at that dead bird!" All the Wellington forwards looked up at the sky and said..."where???"

The Good Samaritan

A Good Samaritan taxi driver who allowed three people injured in a car accident with a Wivey female driver to shelter from from the cold in his cab was left counting the cost - after emergency services destroyed the taxi to 'rescue' the trio.

Chinese cabbie Doin Me Lip Stick, 45, from Wiveliscombe said: 'They had a few cuts and bruises and I let them shelter in my cab. They looked worse than they were.

'I went off to look at the wreck and when the Wivey firemen turned up, they pulled out hydraulic metal cutters and sliced the side off the cab.'

'They said it meant they could get the people out without them having to bend too much, in case of neck injuries. They didn't realise they only had to open the door.'

The taxi driver is now in dispute with his insurance company, who do not believe his story over the reason for the repair bill.

Pimping At The Pink Punter Club

Are you fed up with trying your partner clothes on in secret? Are you on your own? If please come and join the Mike Phillips Pink Punters Club , Kingmead Close and meet other transsexuals with the same secret

Coming out! - In an ideal world this shouldn't be necessary, but if you decide to come out to your partner they can join the Pink Punters Club as well and accompany you to events and which will open a whole new exciting fun world for you.

Daryl's Domestic

After a conversation In the Bear on Saturday I would like to know if you think Daryl Smith should wash his own rugby kit?

1.Yes he should...................... 21%

2. No definitely not.................21%

3. He should forget about the rugby kit and wash his partners best bra and knickers that he's been wearing all week before she finds out ...................58%

Total Votes: 19

Breast Boosting Beer

European men are flocking to Bulgaria to buy 'breast-boosting beer' after EU accession led to customs duties on the drink being abolished.
The millet-ale called Boza which is made from fermented wheat flour and yeast is being snapped up by bar owners, shopkeepers and shoppers from across Europe.They are said to be keen for their wives and girlfriends to benefit from its reported ability to make breasts grow.

Austrian landlord Klaus Schmidt from a Austrian ski resort said he was planning another trip soon.

He added: "I got some Boza before but it was always so expensive once the tax was added. But now that's gone I'm going to start offering the drink to my après-ski customers. I first sold some to a party of School teachers from Taunton and Mr Thompson purchased a whole crate.He said it was for his wife and I could obviously see that he did not need it himself."